I lost my husband, my soulmate, my best friend, my everything, on Thursday 11th May at 11:52am. Everybody thinks I’m coping admirably. I just wrote out a ‘reasons to live’ list & a ‘reasons to die’ list. Guess which one was longest? I know how disappointed he would be in me for even contemplating suicide. I am disappointed in me for contemplating it, I’ve always believed suicide to be the most selfish act. But living without him just doesn’t seem possible. I miss him so very much. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Life without him is a life half lived, at best. I know he would want me to carry on. He would want me to be happy. But without him how can I possibly be happy? For the last 10 months of his life I was his full time carer. So we spent almost 24/7 together. We laughed, cried, got angry, put the world to rights, & just existed, together. I want the impossible, I want him back! I want one good reason to carry on.
Oh honey i know i was similar - a lot of people feel like you when they so bereft … will you read languages of loss by sasha bates ? Its so good ! She describes so well her feelings of loss when her husband passed ! It helped me a lot at beginning of this awful journey we are now on xx
Hi Chick, my darling husband died on Sunday 14 May at 5.15pm from Gliobastoma. I feel like you and today has been horrific for me for no particular reason. But seeing your post makes me want to say to you and myself, your husband/best friend/soul mate would want you to live, if it was the other way round we would want them to miss us but then live and not join us quite yet. One reason is there would be other people who would
be traumatised like we are if we didn’t carry on. I’m going to bed now, sleep is my friend. Sending you love xxx
Hi @Chick,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of support here for you, as @Deb5 and @Sparklyklm have shown.
We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
- If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Seaneen
Hi @Chick,
Sorry to hear you are struggling so much with the loss of your husband/soulmate.
Especially when the loss of a loved one is so new & raw, there’s no denying it’s painful, loosing them is a shock to the system, & the empty spaces are unbearable. Being with your partner 24/7, I guess you feel it more because they were such a big part of your life, your whole routine changes, & all the things you don’t have to do for them anymore just because another reminder that they’re not there, but you are not alone, we’re all going through the pain of loss, that’s why we’re here, supporting eachother.
In the past, I’ve attempted suicide, 3 times, it’s not for the faint hearted, & no-matter what anyone says, it’s not selfish, it’s an extreme reaction to a distressing situation, people are entitled to their feelings. I have been through quite a lot of therapy, & I found it is always helpful to explore those thoughts & feelings, like, why are they there? What is the real though behind them? What response do I really want from this? at the time I attempted it, I was understandably distressed, I felt trapped & alone in a situation where I felt I had no way out, I wasn’t thinking clearly, & rushing into it because I didn’t think things could get any better, but when I calmed down, & was able to think clearly, I realised, that all I really wanted was someone to listen to me, help me, & give me a little support through a turbulent time. The fact your talking about it I’m guessing means that, though I hear your pain & grief, & I know life has changed, & the person we love can now only be with us in spirit, you don’t want to do that. When you have those kinds of thoughts, do you have friends or family you can call? I usually message family members, so I know that if I’m in crisis I can take an overnight bag & stay with them.
I have also heard some people say that talking, or writing a letter to their loved one helps, it’s like, still including them in your life, like they’re there in spirit.
Hope this helps, sending hugs of support.
Aw what a lovely message to @Chick … i hope she feels better today ? Or has sought some support - this experience we are all going through is so awful x
Dear @Chick
I’m so sorry for the horrendous situation you are in , and the life you are now having to live.
We all are.
We are all at different points, we all have our own unique grief, and ways of coping BUT we all understand, and we all ‘get’ each other.
Like you I cared full time for my husband for the last few years , you haven’t only lost the most important person in the whole world, you’ve also lost your purpose, your routines… everything. It’s bloody hard and it bloody hurts, and noone who hasn’t been where we are, can possibly understand.
Use this site . It’s really helps me. I didn’t find it till 8 and half months after my husband died.
Read when you want, and write when you want to. You can say whatever you want, no one here judges.
I totally agree with @Pandaprincess about writing to your husband. I have a book that I write in, it includes my feelings, things that have happened that I want to tell him about, both personal , and things from news and sport that I know would interest him .
You try and take of yourself
Big hugs 
Thank you all for your kind words. I do feel a little better today. I was having a particularly bad day yesterday. I think since he passed I’ve been so busy sorting everything out I hadn’t really had time to properly think about how my life will be from now on. I realised I had done everything I could for him, funeral etc, and I suddenly felt overwhelmed by how empty it seemed. I will try the writing to him, I think that may help. Thank you all again for your kindness.
I have had a horrendous time today. This morning the total bleakness of the loss of my husband hit home so badly I found myself pacing outside in the street in such a distressed condition that a neighbour called 999. A doctor phoned to check on me and contacted my community mental heath team - but they are so understaffed I ended up being given mindfulness sites to look up. So much for real help. Actually all I really wanted was someone to take me in and give me a big hug. The loneliness is so hard to come to terms with - it is unrelenting despite all the support. You just want the companionship that comes from being a couple. We were together 42 years.
@Honeypie I know what you mean. Sometimes the lonliness is unbearable. Not even conversation, just someone else in the room. I hope you have a family member or friend you can reach out to. Unfortunately my family live 300 miles away, I have some wonderful friends, but I don’t want to be a nuisance. There is always someone on here to talk to though, I have found it so very helpful at my lowest moments. All the best to you. 
@Chick thank you for replying - am feeling a little better now and hoping for a better day tomorrow. Family are supportive and come round but it’s wanting someone to be there with you who is not simply visiting! Loneliness is terrible!
You poor thing ;( that is a bad state if affairs indeed ! Can you ring cruse bereavment helpline … they are very good you know … i was with my husband 37 years, 35 married … its so hard without them isnt it ? When did u lose your husband ? Xx
Least you have some support and when u havent ring a helpline like cruse bereavment … honestly they’re really good x
@Deb5 thanks for your support - I lost my husband in Dec 22 - it’s just so hard trying to pretend to people you are getting better as that’s what they want to hear. Just lost it today.
Don’t pretend youre ok. Tell them how u really feel xx