what happens now mam is gone

Hi this is my 1st post here. I lost my mother ( 75 years old ) at the end of July. She had a stroke 2 days before national lockdown in march and would not go to hospital for treatment due to covid. I respected her wishes although I didn’t agree with them. She could not move her right side and never did get the use of her right arm back. Services for her to help with recovery at home were not existent. I am one of 5 children and between the 3 daughters and father we cared for her the best we could at home. I have a son, so I did home schooling in the mornings and cared for my mother in the afternoon as I was furloughed. This was how it was for 3 months, there was lockdown, no schools for my son and my motherly poorly. It was a very difficult 3 months.
My mother had poorly health for the past 20 years but was so resilient for what she had been through,
I always knew she would not live into the best of older years but now she is gone I just cannot believe it. She broke her hip, went in had an op acquired pheumonia and she was not strong enough this time and she died.
I did not have the best relationship with my mother, I am the youngest of 5 children and have always felt I should have had more of her than I did, she gravitated to my elder sister. When my son was in his early years I had a counselling to help me deal with my inner issues to break the cycle and be the best mother I can be to my son. I was at peace with my family dynamic, I excepted my mother would never the be the one I yearned for and needed and accepted the role I had.
Since she had died all I do is reflect on my past, my role in her eyes and the truth is I am really bitter!!
I speak to my father but there is no emotional support there, he isn’t capable and says that his grief is worse as he has lost his wife and that he knew her longer than me.
I feel like I am drowning as I have all these feelings, feelings I never expected and I have my little boy to think about.
Is it okay to have some ‘me’ time ? I have thrown myself into keeping it together and supporting my father but I am failing miserably and feel it is now time to come to terms with it myself and try and put myself back together.
Thank you in advance of any response.

Hi Abigail, I am so sorry to read that your mum has passed away, and that she hadn’t had the best of health for many years. It is always very difficult when we lose someone who had been ill for some time as we can feel a bit cheated.

It is good you have had counselling in the past to help with the difficult relationship you had with your mum at times. Bitterness is an emotion people can often feel after bereavement, and I am sorry your dad hasn’t understood your grief. There was a post on “IS THERE A SCALE?” which dealth with comparing grief, and your dad has lost the love of his life and probably sees no future for himself whereas he probably thinks you do have a future, and so maybe that is why he hasn’t taken your grief as seriously as he should have.

Maybe you would benefit from bereavement counselling? Sue Ryder provide a free online service, so maybe that could help you? If you think it won’t, or it is too early, that’s fine, please continue to post here as many people have had similar experiences to yours.

Hi Abdullah,
Thank you for taking the time to post and your kind words.
I do understand that my dad has lost his life partner and I have given all my time to support him but as he says many times, it’s not the same, I think giving everything I have to him has been a double edged sword as I don’t think I have given myself the time to digest and come to terms with it. I feel so much, my dad for losing his wife, my son for losing his granny my nieces too and now suddenly it has hit me 7 weeks on ‘what about me?’ I thought in time it would get easier but I seem to be having some real difficult days where it is as raw as the day she passed ?
I will consider talking to other routes of support in time but right now I would like some alone time if that makes sense. My son has his 1st day in school today so hopefully the pressure will be less as I know he is getting his education and time with his friends.
It breaks my heart that I will no longer be able to share stories with my mam about my son growing up.

Hi Abigail, yes, you need some time to yourself. Sometimes we can get too busy helping others that we stop looking after ourselves, and that isn’t good for anyone. I am sorry you will miss your mum not seeing your son grow up, my dad never got to see any grandkids and if I have kids I will always feel so sad that he never saw them, but that’s just life, and we have to carry on.