The many emotions of grief…
Are so vast.
So deep.
Sometimes overlapping. Sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes they come on so fast that you can’t even name them.
Sadness. This is a given. Sometimes to the point of despair. Feeling so empty because you would do anything for just another moment with them or the opportunity to say goodbye. Days when the tears keep flowing you don’t think they will ever stop. Sometimes crying so hard you feel like you slightly touch the deep emptiness within.
Jealousy. Seeing people just go on with their mundane lives without a care in the world. And you are….just lost. It would be so nice to just switch places with them. Then there is seeing people with their loved ones. The ones you lost in your life. You ache for them back and want so badly what you can’t have.
Confusion. You can see life happening around you but you just can’t touch it. You forget what you were trying to do. Why you walked into that room. Lack of sleep results in slowed movements about the house. You feel like you are physically here but your mind is so far away. With loss in the forefront of your thoughts everything else is just….irrelevant.
Anger. This emotion swirls around often and usually ends up in a release of hot tears. Because it’s conflicting and confusing. Anger for feeling like they abandoned you. Without a chance to tell them all that you want to. Sometimes you feel angry at God. Why did it have to happen to such a wonderful person? Why did this happen? Angry because these questions go unanswered. Or about some of the unhelpful advice we get from well meaning people.
Guilt. This is a strong emotion in grief. Guilt for trying to heal and move forward but also feeling like you are leaving them behind. Guilt for the things left unsaid or how you would want to change those last moments. Guilt for being so sad or cancelling plans when people expect you to be better by now.
Loneliness. Wanting to be alone because you can’t possibly relate to anyone else right now. Texts go unanswered on your end. Because how do you answer the questions of “how are you doing?”when your whole life feels like it imploded? The only company you want right now is the one person you can’t have. It feels like the whole world is empty without them.
Fear. About losing other people you love. When loss touches you like this you become aware just how fast it can happen. Fear of the silence. Fear about your future looks like without them. Fear of your vast feelings. Fear about leaving your own loved ones behind.
Relief. This emotion usually overlays confusion. Because how on earth can you feel relief? But sometimes it unexpectedly sneaks in. Knowing your loved one no longer is struggling. No longer in pain. Safe in Heaven. Where it is always beautiful.
Hope. That they are waiting for you up there. That one day you will see them again. That these feelings of grief will ease as time goes on and you will be able to smile after a memory instead of breaking down. That you will be proud of yourself for how much you tried and for how far you have come. Hope that you can reach out and ask for help when you need it. Hope that someday when you are stronger you might just be able to help someone else in the midst of their grief.