Not been on for a while as I felt I was coping somehow with the loss of my husband 9 months ago. Only day to day coping but somehow carrying on with life.
My friend lost her husband last night and I have known them for the last 20 years. He had been unwell with health issues but had improved considerably.
I want to help my friend through this time but don’t really know how to because she is still processing it all and it was a sudden death. When she told me he had died it brought so many feelings back of grief that I thought I could control. I feel guilty because it has upset me so much when it’s her I should be thinking of. I think some of these feelings were because I know how hard it is going to be for her.
Has anyone got any advice on how to help her even though I am still grieving deeply. She has family around her at the moment but they all live away and she will then need support.
Hi Yemmy-The best way to help someone in grief (or in any life crisis) is to just be present. We tend to want to say the “right” thing, or attempt to make them feel better, but in reality nothing we say or do will change the sense of loss and devastation they are feeling. Her loss will surely trigger your own, but being further along, you are more aware of some of those early feelings and initial reactions. Your ability to be empathic will prove helpful to your friend, as well. Allow her to talk, share, cry scream, or none of the above, and be an active listener. You need not feel guilty for what this is bringing up for you. You sound like a caring, supportive friend. You must also take care of yourself, because you are still grieving and experiencing the roller coaster of emotions. 9 months is not very long considering the nature of your relationship. Only give as much as you can, when you can, without depleting yourself.
Check on her, let her know you care, and someone understands, That goes further than a hundred platitudes and clichés. Lastly, she could be referred to this wonderful site, where so many lost souls (including myself) have found refuge in their darkest hours. Take care, and so sorry for your loss. Xxx Sister2
Yemmy, this happened to me. I lost my husband suddenly in November and in January I had a call from a friend to say her husband had just passed away. He had been ill for a wee while but we all thought he had longer. She was devastated and said I was the first person she had called as she knew I was the only one who would understand exactly how she was feeling. I have been there for her as much as I can, we usually end up crying together and talking about our beloved men. I have found that helping her helps me. It is horrible times for us all but she needs you as no one understands more than you what is going on in her head just now and what she has in front of her.
Sending you positive thoughts
V xx