Thank you both xx
Trisha sending big hugs to you today.
DearTrisha
I don’t very often come on the forum this early but for some reason felt the need today and now I know why. My heart and prayers are with you today. I too felt like you, nearly didn’t go, couldn’t bear the thought, wanted to go somewhere private and just be with Brian and the children as he called them (our dogs). I felt pressured to go and pleased that I did. It was a celebration of his life, with music, him doing the singing, people tapping their feet (Country and Western music), but above all I didn’t feel that my Brian was in that coffin. I just knew he wasn’t there, there was no connection and I knew there would have been. I went through it in a daze, this was happening to someone else it was nothing to do with me. Somehow the strength to cope kicked in. I pray that you will also find that strength. I would have no goodbyes, last respects etc because I wasn’t ever going to let him go.
God bless you and your family today.
Pat xxx
Hi Trisha, i will be thinking of you today. I know how hard it is. I nearly didn’t go to Simons. Didn’t think I would cope, but I did.
Janet x
I notice that in the car it is LBC , radio 4. At home it is magic soul. I can deal with the music .i just don’t go there with the wave of emotion. If I can avoid it. …
Hi Trisha,
I don’t know when you will get chance to read this as it will have been an exhaustingly emotional day for you with tears and maybe even some smiles along the way? I have been thinking of you, it sounds as if you made it so personal for him just like I tried to do for the love of my life 4 weeks ago when we held his funeral. I somehow found the strength to do the eulogy as I was so determined to tell everyone how much I love him and to make him proud of me. I too chose 3 songs and my goodness did I cry through them but they were so personal to both of us I had to have them! We had a roiling big screen at the wake of photographs both old and more recent which reflected our lives together and I’m so glad we did that as it really was a celebration of our lives together as the funeral you have had today will have been too! It really is a comfort when you see all the people who attend isn’t it, it really took my breath away when I saw how many people were waiting for us at the service. Reflecting back on it the day itself was as “wonderful” as my Daz would have wanted it to be and I comfort myself with that thought. I got through the day with diazepam, rescue remedy, kalms & anything else I was offered but I did it, I dont know how but I did! Tonight you will be able to reflect on the fact that you did it too, I just know you will!
As for the future it looks bleak, I know it does, I have spent today crying as much as I did when my Daz passed away and haven’t been out of the house as for some reason I just didn’t have the energy…
Here for you,
Take care,
Lynn xx
Dear Pat
Thank you so much - I am so grateful to the support you have all offered and will reply to each of you . So many people turned up - the chapel was standing room only - and he would have been so made up. Yes we got through it with the help of family and friends . A couple of course were insensitive - but rather than being cross with them - just decided they were deranged and pitied them for their ‘madness’.
I too did not feel Gary was in the coffin either - the earthly body is not the person - it is the light inside them that continues to burn. And I felt no worse at the funeral ‘saying goodbye’ than I did already. We opened a memory book at the wake and I cried over the lovely things people had written about Gary - he meant so much to so many people. A truly good guy. Today, I don’t know what it will bring - it is early yet - but the children are with me and I know I am truly blessed to have them.
I hope your day is a good one today. Thank you again
Trisha xx
Dear Janet
Thank you so much. You are right we coped - and it all went well. Gary would have been pleased with the support and how many people turned up. As I said to Pat I do not think we realised how much people loved and respected him. We should have known really as he was a perfect partner and father. It is all quiet here this morning - and I feel hollow - but yesterday was busier but no different to any of the other days since we lost him. I can almost feel his arm round me as I am sitting in the kitchen drawing support from you lovely people on the forum. Thank you again
Trisha xx
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Dear Lynn
Thank you for your lovely message. I could not read my eulogy - so the celebrant did - but my son was very brave and stood up and gave the most wonderful address that was full of love, humour and respect. Everyone told me later how wonderful they thought it was and how much my son is like Gary. I don’t think I can see it - but he is certainly a fine person and Gary was so so proud of both of our children.
We put collages of photos up at the wake and opened a memory book for people to write in - so have some lovely things to cherish. Yes you are correct there were lots of tears - not just mine - but smiles too. And of course music. I had left the wake but James came back for guitars and Gary’s old band plus a few others joined in. Just what he would have wanted a real send off. But like Pat - I did not say goodbye - as I know Gary is still with us - in everything we do. It is not just me who is still talking to him. But I could still do with a hug.
I am trying not to think of the future - I think I need to block that out for the time being. I do hope you have a better day today. We are all here to support each other and I do not know what I would do without these forums.
Thank you again and take care.
Trisha xx
LBC all the way - or BBC Radio London-just voices -no music. The music yesterday started me off - but we coped. Today feels empty - but will try to keep busy.
Concentration is a problem - so have not returned to reading yet. xx
Oh Trisha, how that brought back memories of my wife’s funeral. She wanted a burial in the local church, and we complied with her wishes. I stood at the graveside and, like so many, I knew she wasn’t there. The words that begin that wonderful poem I said over and over………
“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep”.
I wonder if the author of those words realised how much comfort it must have brought to so many. Of course ‘they’ are not there there. I too was surprised at the number who attended the funeral. The body is never ‘us’. But the Spirit is. Whatever we did for our loved ones and they for us, if it came from love then the body took little part in it. We identify so much with the body when we should, perhaps, identify with that inner Spirit that we all have, but so often goes unrecognised. The support you will get on this site is often unbelievable. That people should take time to help others when going through so much pain themselves, is truly amazing. Blessings to you. You will be given the strength to go through this oh so difficult time.
Morning Trisha truly hope Gary’s celebration of life went better than you expected. It is 12 months today since I was at Alan’s, I worried for days that it wouldn’t go right, that I’d missed something vital. Lots of people turned up, some of his past workmates who I first didn’t know, friends from 60’s and 70’s too.
I truly hope you find peace eventually, 12 months on and I’m still struggling to get through each day without Alan, some days are easier than others, but the sense of being in limbo is still present.
Sending you hugs and blessings to give you a little extra strength for the road ahead, not one of us want to be travelling this road, it has been forced upon us.
Blessings Trisha , take care
Love Jen☆
Dear Jackie
Thank you for your kind words - yes we got through it and you are right he would have been very proud. I think you feel quite numb in a way and detach yourself a little - but as I said to Pat - that was not my husband there - he is still here in the house with us and laughing a little at some of the stuff that went on yesterday. He would have been so proud of James and Hannah -who both acted with dignity and kindness and who protected me as much as they could. Yes we laughed afterwards too when the true friends came back to the house as there were so many personal things that we could not share during the service!
Today is not going to be easy - as you all know no days are the same - but I refuse to think of the future - just going to take the day as it comes no matter what.
Sending hugs back. Take care.
Trisha xx
Dear Jen
Thank you so much - yes we gave Gary a day to be proud of - especially the fact my brave son stood up and gave the most moving, but at times funny eulogy - his dad would have been bursting with pride. It was a celebration of his music, his talent and showed how much people thought of him.
Today I feel numb - but as you say it is a long road and today I am going to try not to think ahead.
I hope you have rested your hand and it is better. I will send you a text later.
xx
Dear Jonathan
Thank you so much - it is the first time I have responded to one of your posts -but I do love reading them you are always so supportive, expressive and as positive as you can be under these painful circumstances. This community has been a life saver - there are so many on here that are going through this - and they always respond with kindness. And I have so much to be grateful for too.
Gary’s funeral was as good as any funeral can be - but when we stood in the chapel - I knew it was not him there just his earthly body-and in the end the body that had let him down - and he would have been so cross with it.
We had a humanist ceremony as Gary refused to believe in a God that had taken his mother so cruelly when she was young - but the celebrant was kind and considerate and everyone said it was a beautiful in particular the eulogy that my son read.
Today my children are with me -and we will try and go out but I have so many texts and messages to send to everyone who was there to support us and show their love for Gary.
As you say amazing support from a ‘club’ that we have been forced to join.
I hope your day passes easily today.
Trisha x
Thanks Trisha. Your remarks about it being a funeral of celebration rather than a wake was so true. You know there is no such thing as a Christian funeral or a humanist funeral. It’s a funeral! Atheist or religious matters not a jot. The pain is the same either way. Suffering can’t be confined to words or a specific belief. The suffering of a mother who loses her son in Syria is no less than the feeling of loss we may have in those circumstances. I do believe in the indestructible Spirit in mankind, but that does not necessarily make me ‘religious’. Some of the kindest folk I have met have been non believers.
I often sit in the bedroom and have a chat with my wife. Do I feel her presence? Sometimes, but, I like most people, I have doubts that creep into my mind. OK, so stop thinking them, say the critics. They have not been there and don’t know. I allow the thoughts to come because trying to ‘fight’ them off is energy consuming as does no good. This bereavement has made me realise more than ever the pain in the world.
Very best wishes and love.
Hello Trisha, it sounds as if you found that inner strength to cope. I felt I was doing it for Brian. So many turned up for Brian also and it had been by invitation only but groups of people turned up. Such wonderful tributes also. One elderly man that Brian helped very often wrote: “I have met many men in my life but I have never met one as kind as your husband”.
I also had insensitive people and to make it worse it was his own two daughters. I don’t know to this day what made them behave as they did. Drama queens comes to mind.!!! They never acknowledged me from start to finish. Wouldn’t stand with me at the end but stood apart and wanted people to go to them which Of course very few did. So they went off in a strop. I wanted the day to be one of love for Brian not tantrums from his daughters. They didn’t attend the gathering with the rest of the family afterwards or the scattering of the ashes a few weeks later, although invited.and haven’t contacted me since ignoring my letters and phone calls.I was not cross with them at first but now want little to do with them, they tried to spoil my Brian’s day. It was his day not theirs. I fortunately had such a good feedback about the ceremony and what a wonderful tribute it was to Brian and all he had done…
You are truly blessed to have such wonderful children that are so supportive.
I am further on than you but know that I take each day as it is offered. I have Brian with me every second of the day, he is never far away. I feel him comforting me. The bad days are becoming less the acceptance ones a little more. God bless Pat xxx
Hi Pat
Thank you so much for your message - I am having a really bad afternoon and keep crying as I miss him so much. My daughter has the most beautiful sketch of them both in her room and I keep looking at it and I see the kindest man ever - I love it but it makes me cry so much. I suppose I thought yesterday would be the hardest but today is far harder.
My experience with insensitive behaviour is so much less than yours - and I will put it down to a problem perhaps with over indulgence of alcohol - but to quiz you over all the details of how he died and then at the end of the day tell me - well the hard bit starts now. I could have slapped her - instead I smiled sweetly thanked her for coming and privately thought rude, very impolite thoughts. But just muttered ‘Lush’. I know she did not hear - but I felt better.
I am sorry about Brian’s daughters - they obviously do not take after their father and you have tried everything you can - and I am sure Brian would say - leave them to it - one day they will realise, but jealousy is an evil thing and I would say they are jealous of the relationship you had with Brian and the only way they can deal with it is to behave like bad tempered children. You are obviously a very strong lady and have dealt with it in a way Brian would be proud of.
So many of the people there yesterday loved Gary - and the cards and memories that people wrote in the memory book showed me how much he was respected. Even our builders turned up (they did a lot of work on the house a couple of years ago - and one in particular became a true friend - I was very touched) It does not help much today though - it is just one of those crying days I guess.
I went to the dr and she has signed me off for another two weeks - as I just am not ready to go back to work. So not like me - I have always been the practical one - the one who can cope with anything that is thrown at her.
And I am not sure if I have told you already - I decided the car had thrown one too many a wobbly on me - so sorted out a new one on tuesday… mad I know but the one I have is a beauty but cannot be trusted - and if you dont have trust you dont have anything do you… So am keeping close to home for the next couple of weeks anyway until the new one is ready. May regret it - but decision made. Beauty is not worth much in the end.
I agree about them staying with us - the celebrant echoed this in his final address - they live on in our hearts - but today that does not seem enough.
I am sorry for the ramble on - but thank you so much for ‘listening’. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Sending you a hug
Trisha xx
Thank you Jonathan - I am taking comfort from you all today. The numbness did not last long - it has been a very sad day today. I felt I could not face going out and have not really done much. The children even though they are grown up - were exhausted today - and I needed to be mum to them - which I am fine as it helps me too. You are so right about the feelings of loss - they are no less depending on circumstance - we all grieve differently, we have our own beliefs and will no doubt develop our own way of coping. What works for one person will not work for another. But that is the same with love and relationships - we all know our own was/is perfect - but to the outside world some cannot see how it works. But we are individuals aren’t we. By the way I loved your fox story - it was beautiful - you really have a gift with words. I know many people consider them vermin - but we had a family with four cubs in the garden a couple of years ago - and Gary and I loved watching them.
Thank you so much for your kindness.
Trisha xx
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