What is the way forward when you have lost true love

So what do you do when you’re not alone, with people around you and however lovely, they can never stand in the place of the one you have really loved who is gone for ever

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I feel for you, Lucy. Sadly, there is no miracle cure for this loneliness - talking about how you feel is a really good start. We all understand this feeling. Some are well into their journey of grief and can offer you hope and love. Others, like me, are new to this (9.5 weeks for me) and can only say just to keep on going and soak up the love around you, although no one can take the place of your partner though, I know. There are some very kind people on here so ‘talk’ when you feel you want to and people will listen and support. Chell x

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I am 6 weeks into my journey and although I am constantly in touch with family and friends I now find myself going to bed crying again because the only person in the whole world I want is not here! I don’t know how to go on from here either except to get out of bed in the morning and put one foot in front of the other just to get through the day. Other then that I don’t know what to do except visit this forum for comfort and support…

Lynn x

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Dear Lynn
I lost my husband suddenly to cardiac arrest three weeks ago tomorrow. I read these forums all the time as you are the only people that really understand. My two grown up children are really grieving their father but they do not understand the fear and loss that has come with losing your life partner. We were together for 40 years less three days. We grew up together and now half of me has just gone. I am trying to write in a journal - I did for the first few days - but want to start again. The ache inside is physical and I still have the funeral to get through. I know that he would be cross with me for being like this but I just so regret not having time to tell him how much I loved him. Anxiety for the future - anxiety about everything really. I am going to try and improve security on the house and now the stupid car has gone wrong again - things we would sort out together.
I wake up at 4 am 5 am and then at 6 - get up - so I cannot stay in bed no matter how I want to - I just lay there going over and over the what ifs. My children are very supportive and I have one or two really good friends - but like you the only person I want to talk to is not here.
I am going to try and keep busy today - but it all has to be pretty mindless stuff - as I cannot think straight. I may bake a cake… but then again perhaps not. Just seem to buy food and throw it out a few days later.
Blessings for today .
Trisha x

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Hi Trisha,

My intentions too were to try to keep busy today abut I have already failed as it took me an hour to physically get out of bed, do a couple of jobs & here I am sitting in tears again! All the things you speak about go through my mind too, all the what ifs, what now, hopelessness etc…I really don’t know how today will pan out, I am just going to take an hour at a time but like you I am both mentally & physically exhausted & the smallest task leaves me breathless which I do believe is like a panic attack where I just have to stop & catch my breath before putting one foot in front of the other yet again…

Take care,
Lynn

Oh Lynne - it is so hard isn’t it. I have not done anything yet - so have been sitting here for hours - reading the forums, drinking coffee and thinking about what I am going to do. I am sorry you are having a bad day. I have just read the tribute my son has put together for the funeral - it is full of love and humour and of course made me cry. But it does not take much to do that does it.
My daughter is going out so will be on my own for quite a while today - I really need to go to the dump - but we always went together. The children used to joke about us always being there. So think I will just leave that for today now - unless I get brave later!
I will let you know how I get on with the busy bit !!
xx

Hi Trish,

My sister has called in so we have chatted a bit & she even persuaded me to do a bit of gardening (this was totally my partner’s domain as he created such a beautiful garden for us to enjoy) but she has now gone so I am sitting here alone again. The house is empty as we had no children together so maybe yet another cup of coffee & more time to cry & reflect…small steps, I have taken mine today so we will see where my small steps take me to next…

Lynn xx

Well done on the gardening. I am no gardener either -but bought some geraniums and did two pots for my son’s balcony. They look lovely and I did get some pleasure from them. Unable to deliver as my car played up - but they will wait so I will continue to water them. I am going to try and prepare them a meal tonight - so am going to peel some potatoes and listen to LBC - they are only talking about politics but it beats the silence. I wish Gary had been a gardener - so we kept it simple - with me just doing pots when I thought it needed some colour and him keeping the hedge and lawn trimmed.
It is hard - even though I have children - they are grown up and need to get on with their lives and will eventually spend less time here. No body warns you about this do they-and there are so many like us. I suppose we always think we have lots of time and we will go together- but that is so not the case for all but a few I think. Yes I am on the coffee again -just need to get the wherewithall to get going.
Take care and continue to message. I find the messages a life line xx

Hi Trish,

I too find the messages a life line and well done on you too for getting through the day finding something positive to do! I have never drunk as much coffee in my life but it somehow seems ridiculously comforting to have a warm cup of coffee in my hands while I am either crying or reflecting…it is beyond hard & I just don’t know how any of us get through the days I really don’t!

Lynn xx

Lucy I totally agree that I where I am at…

So difficult when people are offering kindness and yet though valued it can’t help x

Hi Lynne

Had a bit of weep when I was on my own - but made James and Hannah a cake - and dinner - so have kept busy. Bed time will be a different matter though. I rarely drink the whole cup but if in doubt make a coffee.
Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.
Take care
Trisha x

Hi Trisha,

Yes coffee keeps us going although I rarely drink the whole cup either! Still awake with the TV on but only to fill the emptiness and the silence…

Take care,
Lynn x

Trisha and Lynneth,
I keep the radio on in the kitchen all the time now… Never did that before. Not comfortable walking into a house with no noise.

I find I cannot listen to music though - far too emotive - just brings the tears on. So it has to be chat on LBC and the TV has to be things he would never have watched… so it is Friends or similar… I leave the radio on too when I go out. I tell myself it is to keep the cat company :slight_smile:

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I used to listen to smooth radio, when I first came Bereaved, tearful all the time, kept sitting there, not wanting to move, had to listen to the song and then the next, too many sentiments in the words of the songs, I was beating my self up all the time, with the special memories. So got myself out of the habit. We had a few special songs especially when we first met, I had to write the words down, I sing them aloud makes me cry again. I too watch tv programmes that my husband would never watch, don’t watch just on the background for company .

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Thank you for your reply. We have my husband’s funeral today and I am just sitting here wondering how I am going to get through it. It is all about the music - we have chosen three songs - all of them will make me cry and the children were sorting out music for the wake last night - and that really got to me. Music was Gary’s life so there are so many songs and they all have memories . Some of his band will be there today and I am hoping that they will pick guitars up and do it that way.
Do not know what I would do without the support of these forums xx

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Dear Lynn

I have the funeral today - and I should be getting ready - but instead I am sat here reading and replying to the posts on this forum. I am so dreading it - both for me and the children. I know we will get through it but I cannot bear to think of the future without the funny, caring person who I have loved and been with for the last 40 years. He was only 20 and looking back through photos we were so so young. So much fun over the years and now there is no one to make us laugh like he did, or to care the way he did. I cannot bear to think too much - but will try and make today a celebration of his life. So many people have said they will come - I never realised how much others thought of him.
Think of me today.
Trishaxx

tricia…
…you will, your Gary will make sure of that…I thought the same…" how will I get through this…" I surprised myself by it going all to plan, even the weather, the sun was out, it was dry and warm, the following day we had rain…As for the music, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t shed any tears…
Yes the funeral-cremation service will be hard to get through, but you will, I do hope it goes all to your plan, and just how your Gary would have wanted it…

Sending (((hugs))) you will get through today…emotional as it will be, you will get through it, and be proud of yourself that you achieved it…Your Gary will be proud of you too…

Jackie…

Oh my goodness, you’ve got me crying, I had a direct cremation for my hubby it was what he wanted my boys were so glad they hadn’t had to attend a funeral. They told me they wouldn’t be able to cop, I know I couldn’t either. We respected my Davids wishes and are having a celebration in our garden very soon BBQ it’s still going to be tearful with everyone there. But I feel for you all the emotions you must be going through. Sending big hugs x

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