I lost my husband, my very best friend, 4 weeks ago, he died suddenly in the night, I woke up to him making a strange noise and couldn’t wake him, I called an ambulance and they came quickly, but less than an hour later he had gone and my world imploded.
At the time the person the phone told me to get him on the floor to do cpr but he was so heavy I couldn’t move him, and I am forever haunted that I could have saved him, if I’d been quicker, stronger, something.
His funeral was yesterday, we are still waiting for cause from the coroner, and I’m struggling to carry on. We were together for 31 years, since I was 17, he was only 48, we have 2 children of 17 and 14. And if it weren’t for them, I just don’t know how to live my life without him, I can’t sleep in our bed and have been on the couch since he died, I’m lost in all the thing he’ll miss and all the things my kids will miss out on, who will teach my son to be a good man, he is 14, who will show him how to shave, how to navigate through life, I have no siblings, no aunts and uncles, no male role models for him to learn from.
I feel so very scared and alone
Hi Lilyboost. Please don’t be hard on yourself. CPR probably wouldn’t have helped in this case. I think the coroner will explain why. In some cases it can help but I don’t think in this case it would. The first place you can turn to regarding your son is school. There should be some sort of pastoral care available. Also a good, well run youth club if any still exist. If he would be interested there are youth branches of the ATC and and other armed forces. The youngsters aren’t expected to join up or anything but they can be helped along the right path. Both of your children will be grieving too and may show it in different ways. Finally a word about sleeping on the sofa. My aunt did it when she lost my uncle. She was still doing it 20 years later. The longer you leave going back to bed the harder it will get. It was your place together for all those years. You may find more comfort there than you can imagine.
I’m really sorry for your loss be strong for your children it will get better in time x
I’m six months in this horrible journey. Still in shock, feeling surreal so hard to believe my soulmate for 32 years(we met at 17) left me within just 12 hrs of a sudden illness. Fear and grief have many similarities. Losing someone who would give everything for us invariably makes us feel vulnerable. The heartache, anger, guilt is tormenting me though it’s different from what it was at the beginning. Try not to think too much in advance take 1 day at a time. Take care.
So sorry for your loss. I’m almost 6 weeks into this journey and still can’t believe it. My partner was a very fit ex Royal Marine who was only 52. He had a cardiac arrest and even being given immediate cpr he didn’t make it. Try not to feel bad about not being able to do the cpr, it probably would have made no difference. This journey is tough man and to be honest it’s fecking shit but we’ll get through it because we have to. Sending lots of love to you all xx
Hi lilyboost. I get that you feel guilty, I had to do CPR on my son also, and felt I had maybe not done it correctly as they could not save him even though the paramedics got his heart going again. I really thought he would be ok when they took him away in the ambulance, after all they are always ok on the TV aren’t they ? I spoke to my doctor about my feelings of guilt and she told me it is only something like 10% who do survive after CPR. I hope you can move on from the feelings of guilt as it is one of the stages of grief but I understand how difficult it is as I am often overwhelmed with the panic Of it all myself. Take care JSS
Hi dear Lilyboost,
I am so sorry for your tragic loss… The searing pain does not stop… We just trudge around on autopilot and agonise over what we could have done differently or foreseen… I was told by the emergency to get my husband on the floor but could not… It would not have helped as he had Stage 4 lung cancer and interstitial lung disease, Please do not torment yourself; your thoughts were always with him and he knows that… It is hard to sleep in your bed; I sleep holding a big pillow and talk to him as I try to sleep; something very hard to do even though you feel exhausted… I also have no family; a few good friends but you cannot share with them that you are broken… Better to come on here where there is warmth and understanding and no dreaded platitudes… Sending a big hug…X
Hi Beetango , I agree with you. Today is 20 weeks since I lost my son and it has been one of the worst so far. I lay on my sons bed rocking crying and screaming into my hands holding his sweatshirt, Not knowing which way to turn, there is no way out of this agony. Who could I turn to for comfort ? How can you put this pain on anyone else? Thank goodness for this site , here we understand each other’s suffering and it helps.
Care to all x JSs
It is agony, and, I think, extreme fear, not for the future, but somehow for the past, like in the film ‘Sliding Doors’; we know the outcome, and it is horrific… . Mine is twenty seven weeks tomorrow, but like yesterday… I have wailed like an animal, and all in this community know how dark it gets with no way out… We chose our loved ones, and they made us a better version of ourselves… Maybe time will dull our memory and we wake up in the morning; at the moment that is all there is… No doubt the love and care that is here will always help… Sending big hugs…X