So I lost my husband Martin back in March. One minute he was making us a cup of tea, the next he was gone. He was a young 60 year old and loved life.
I’m at the point where I am functioning … just!! and putting on a brave face but inside I am broken. I can not and do not want to spend the next year let alone the next 30 without him.
I am exhausted beyond believe trying to deal with my emotions especially as all I see around me is everyone getting on with their life’s … and why shouldn’t they.
Every evening my dad , who is 90, FaceTimes me to see how I am coping. So every evening I have to make sure I don’t look like I have been crying, that I have at least attempted to get dressed. I tell him what I have eaten that day and how busy I have been, when really I’ve probably done very little. Anything to take the worry away for him … the reality is I feel like I am constantly screaming inside, my brain won’t switch off and I feel no enjoyment in anything I do. What’s the point of trying to continue as normal, as now nothing is normal … I don’t want this new normal.
Thanks for listening
Hi Dee,
So very sorry about the sudden inexplicable loss of your husband.
I understand how the prospects of 30 years feeling the shock, pain, and loss seems like 30 years of torture. I just wanted to reassure you that you will not feel this way for 30+ years. One day, the sky will look blue again, and a bee will be interesting again. It takes time and is different for everyone.
What a blessing to have your caring amazing dad.
Warmly,
Ell
I get how you’re feeling. My 50 year old husband died in March - went out for a run, collapsed and died, we still don’t know why. I don’t want to think of another 30+ years without him, that is the worst thing that could be done to me, having to be without him for that long. Being without him for a few months has been torture. I am here for my children - that’s my role now (even though they are young adults, they have been through enough pain). I am watching my mother and mother-in-law suffer through prolonged illnesses and my one tiny bit of comfort is that my darling husband didn’t have prolonged suffering. I feel as though I used all my happiness up in my 51 years. People say just to take one day at a time (which I am doing) but you can’t help but think to the future and I don’t see one. Even joyful times I should share with my children are now so sad as all I can think is that he should be there. I don’t have any answers other than slight bits of hope from some lovely people on this forum who have said that it will get easier. I do hope so. Sending hugs
Hi Jules4. My partner died unexpectedly at 67 and like you the one bit of comfort I can find is that he won’t suffer the indignities of old age. I was a carer for my mother who died aged 93 ( nine days before my partner) and the last few years were grim. The sad bit though is that this should have been the time Brian and I had some freedom. It was not to be. I don’t want to grow old without him.
I know what you mean. We were caring for my mother with vascular dementia and she went into a home 6 days before he died. We just thought that we might have a little bit more time and a little less stress so that we could relax more together. I can’t help feeling cheated.
It is so hard we dont want this new llife my husband died suddenly at 61 felt so helpless im always asking my self should i have noticed any signs was there any more i could have done i know there wasnt but you cant help with the what ifs. like you say your brain wont switch off i am constantly over thinking everything i dread the thought of another day let alone 20 year but i say to my self you cant put the children through that again so soon and my grandson who is 12 is absolutely devestated they had such a bond its been nearly 9 months i think it feels like it gets harder because people are carrying on and they should i get that but as you said we dont want to carry on without them you put on a brave face and take one day at a time
I just wish the time would fly now but of course, it does the opposite.
Dee64
I’m so sorry for your loss and the gnawing raw pain you’re feeling. I feel it too, through different circumstances, but I do understand some of the feelings you describe and the turmoil in your head. Mentally/emotionally it’s so so difficult to make sense of such a massive shock. It’s like your world has stood still in time, while everyone else’s is still turning.
I’m new to this site, but reading posts, it almost feels like a refuge where so many people have at least some understanding of what other people might possibly feel?
Hi. I am new to this sight but I am so glad I found it. To be able to talk to people in the same position as me is very helpful. My wife passed away in April. I am still very emotional and I wake in the mornings and ask the same questions. What’s the point. I get very tired and find it very difficult to get motivated. Also I have no patience with myself and other people.
The thing is, on top of everything else this all worried me but reading other posts I found people who are in the same boat as me. At least now I am not going completely mad.
I was married to my wife for 48 wonderful years. She was 66 when she passed and people used to say we were inseparable. Loosing her has been impossible to deal with yet here I am. One person said that you will never get over the loss but you learn over time to manage it. I hope that’s true for all of us in this forum. I will never forget Kath but I hope one day to manage my loss and move on. Will I ever enjoy life again without her? Right right now that seems impossible.
Hi Marylou ,
So Sorry for your loss . I lost my mum and best friend 9 weeks ago and the pain is awful . We lived together too and struggling to accept living on my own . It’s early days and I keep fighting to get through another day . It’s a big help being on this site and talking to people who get it . Take care of yourself.
Love Angie xx
Hi Dee
I can so relate to what you are saying. My husband died 6 weeks ago at only 63 and although I had 4 months to get used to the possibility of him dying of cancer it was more rapid than expected.
It is the utter exhaustion of it all and trying to put on a brave face. My brother video calls me twice a day and I know on the odd occasion I have not been able to hide the tears he finds it difficult to cope. Sometimes I can be having a normal conversation with somebody and then the tears will come and the feeling in the pit of my stomach of utter despair. I read things which say getting exercise will be good for me but I feel so week and have so little energy and there’s all his stuff. He was rather a hoarder and I am starting to deal with some of it but it is so painful.
Yes the future seems bleak but I am trying not to go there.
I met my husband when I was 20 and we were together for 40 years when he died. From day one I feel like I just don’t know how to cope on my own. I work full time which is my saving grace at the moment. The empty house and not having anyone to talk to when I get in and wake up in the morning is what I’m struggling to cope with. We have six children eight grandchildren they are all grieving their dad and grandad And I put on a brave face for their sakes. But it’s becoming harder to do so. I just want to hug him and tell him how much I love him, I didn’t get the chance as he died so suddenly and quickly.
Dear Jules60
Truly sorry for your loss. My husband was killed in a road traffic accident. He was only 60 and we had been together since our teens. The police rushed me to the hospital but it was too late so I understand the pain and anguish of never being able to say goodbye or tell him how much I love him.
Its just over a year now. Never lived on my own until he was gone and yes the empty house and waking in the morning are just heartbreaking even now. Like you I put on a brave face for our kids and grandson’s the youngest of which was born after his granda died. I cry for my husband’s loss but also that the grandson’s will never really know the person I was before the accident.
There is tremendous support on this forum. You can say things you are really feeling but keep from saying to the family so not to hurt them even more Keep posting.
Sheila
I feel the exactly the same. My husband died 2 months ago on 2nd September, folliwing an illness that lasted 12 weeks. I am totally devaststed and almost imobile with grief. We were married 51 years since i was 17 and he was 21. I have 2 adult children both of which are sympathetic, but dont visit me, so im more or less alone in my grief. I know they are grieving too, but they have familues to grieve with and talk to. Im so alone, i really want toleave this place and follow my husband.