Hi everyone, I’m looking for some advice from likeminded people…
It’s been over 6 months since I lost Dad. He used to rent a small bedsit flat for over 30 years and was so attached to it. He was a hoarder and not a very clean one at that, so sorting his house was a huge job. We found Dad the 3rd of November and handed the keys back to the landlord the 30th of December. Now, in that time as you all have experience with, there was a lot of things I had to plan and sort out. There’s the funeral plans, registering the death, sorting out finances and on top of everything you’re grieving hard and in shock. No sleep, no food and so so much crying. I found it really difficult to be in my Dad’s place for long periods of time and did the best I could to clear the place of things I wanted to keep and bin as much as I could. There was still a lot to do.
The landlord of the place was not a nice man. He was ordered from the court to update the flat as it didn’t even have hot water or central heating and single glazed windows. With my Dad in the condition he was, Shelter and social workers came into place. That’s another conversation. Anyway, the landlord had put a slip through one day asking me to contact him as he didn’t have a key and was alerted by the council that the place was now empty - I had no contact details for him before this. He was understandably wanting his place back and when I went to meet him with the keys, it did not go well and I left it walking away, giving the finger… Honestly, he was horrible and my partner had to step in.
Recently, I’ve been experiencing dreams about my Dad’s place and I’m really feeling like I need closure and to get it, I need to finish the job. I need to make it not my Dad’s place anymore. I’ve texted the landlord asking if I could and my partner doesn’t understand. He thinks it’s a terrible idea that will just make me ‘worse’. I’m already worse! It’s not like I’ve made any progress, I’m not back at work or able to see friends or family. If anything I think I’d appreciate the project to be busy again and also would love to be in my Dad’s place. Who wouldn’t??
What does everyone think? Do you agree with my partner and think I should just leave it alone? Or do you think if it was you giving our situation, you’d do the same?
Any advice is always greatly appreciated.
Love to everyone,
you’ve got to do what you feel is best for you.i was lucky with Jaynes flat in Milton Keynes
I was able take every thing out,ive still not sorted through it,infact its in the garage with loads of other boxes.seriously you must looking inside your heart and mind,and why you need this doing.as you’ve said the land lord was not a nice man ,would he of emptied the place by now,is some body else there.i mean nothing stopping you trying find out if its still un occupied.sorry im of no real help.
I’m a bit confused by your message. You say you handed the keys back to the landlord 30th December. Then you met him because he didn’t have a key or have I got it wrong?
Either way if the landlord isn’t a very nice man and your meeting didn’t go well.how do you think he’ll react to meeting you again or letting you into the flat? I guess by now the landlord would have finished clearing out the flat to ready to let out again. If you did meet the landlord again and got upset it would make you feel.even worse.
If seems like you are, understandably, distraught and need somebody impartial to talk.to about your feelings ,maybe a counsellor?
Is there some other way.you can find a way to say goodbye to your father? Journalling, visiting a place you enjoyed going to with him, planting a tree or rose bush for him .Does he have a friend you could share memories of your father with.
This may not help but I hope it does a little bit. Best wishes, Sadme
That’s what I feel to, I feel we need to do anything that brings you comfort.
I still have Dads shed in the garden, and when I’ve been there I can see through the kitchen window that nothing has been changed. It’s still the same as I left it, and I thought with lockdown and him isolating and business’ being closed - there won’t be anything happening with it.
Like I’ve said, it didn’t even have hot water and heating and I doubt that’s been fixed yet. It’s a big job and I feel by depersonalising it and making it fresh, it’ll give me closure by making it not Dads anymore if that makes sense. The worst the landlord can say is no even though it benefits us both.
Thanks for the reply and best wishes.
@anon94470799 Hi there. I met him the 30th of December to hand back keys after him posting his contact details through the letterbox a week before. I never got to finish before he asked for it back. It’s a huge job to do as I said.
As I’ve said to Ian, I know there hasn’t been work done yet. It’s maybe been partially emptied but in terms of cleaning and painting I know it hasn’t been done. As I also said - there wasn’t even heating or hot water and again, if he didn’t do that in the 30 years Dad was there, i can tell you it won’t have been done yet either. The worst he can do is say no and after the dreams I had to ask the question.
I don’t understand what you mean by saying goodbye? I did that with the funeral and it’s not what I’m needing. I need closure, to depersonalise it and make it just a place and not my Dad’s. I do the other things you have suggested but being in lockdown, I thought what better to do than finish the job I never got to finish, and give myself closure. With everything being shut etc it would benefit him as well as me.
It’s hard to separate our loved ones from their belongings , sometimes we get so wrapped up in even the smallest item that it’s hard to remove if from our lives , it feels like disrespecting their memory , but we still have to remember that they were far more than their belongings and abode and I personally dont believe they would want us to ever be upset about these things ,perhaps use your dads shed as the place of remembrance ,