what to do when it is unbearable

My dog has helped me so much / I feel lonely in my grief sometimes even though I have a husband and son. This is why we come here. Please take comfort from this site / you are not alone. I am not working but I am going to volunteer as I think this really helps in so many ways xxx


Hi Berit,
I cannot give you advise on feeling alone with no other family. I lost my son in 2019, but have always had my family around. All i can say is if you are alone or surrounded by people grief can be such a lonely place. You can get through this and while you are reaching out on this site you may be lonely , but never alone. I am pleased that you are getting help. It does not feel like it right now, but you will smile again and when you are in a better place what you want or need to do with your career will fall into place.

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Dear @Berit, your dad’s books have such great reviews. Wow, did he continue writing after you were born? Did you ever read any of his books? What did your mum do at SAS?

I can see how you feel you have made a mess of your life, when you have parents who achieved so many things, it is easy to compare yourself to them, but you shouldn’t. You have a lot of talent, you just need luck to make the most of it. Who knows, maybe some opporunity will come your way soon and you’d be able to fulfil your potential. Let’s hope so.

My academic background is in Computer Science, it’s something I enjoy, a lot, I had always wanted to go into research but after my MSc I just went into work, and that makes me sad. Research is much more fun than working for a multinational corporation, but research doesn’t pay as well, and if you’re not from a privileged background like me, work it has to be.

You’re lucky you have been to Greece and saw the Parthenon at night, that must have been awesome, I’d love to do that, and would also love to see the Colosseum, as I have unfortuately never been to either Greece, or Italy. Were you working in Greece or just visiting?

Oh, Greenwich Village, how posh! I have been to New York once, when I was on a training course in New Jersey, and I stayed in Manhattan. I really enjoyed it, but a few years later I went to Chicago and absolutely love that city, I wouldn’t mind finding work there in the future, but it’s difficult for a British citizen to do so unless your company already has offices there. Could you not move to NYC? Would you prefer that to San Antonio?

I live about an hour’s drive away from Chartham. Have never been there, I am glad you enjoyed your time in the UK. Yes, a lot of us are so sorry about what this country has become, and will become once we finally leave the EU completely. The cuts to the NHS have been terrible, we were told by the Leave campaigns that leaving the EU will bring 350 million pounds to the NHS each week, in reality, since we voted to leave in 2016, it has, according to Bloomberg, cost the UK economy 130 billion pounds, and will have cost us 200 billion pounds by the end of the year. And after we leave, the economy’s growth is expected to reduce by 7% for the next decade, so billions more lost. All this money could have been spent on the NHS, imagine how many lives we could have saved. It is sad. I really want to leave this country but cannot because my mum won’t leave.

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Can I please just remind users to stay on topic and be respectful?

While everyone is entitled to their political opinion, this is first and foremost a bereavement site. I know politics will occasionally come up, especially where it naturally relates to our users’ concerns on things like the NHS, and it’s OK for people to share their thoughts in that context, but it really isn’t the best place to start a prolonged debate with people with opposing views.

I temporarily locked this thread while I removed a few comments. I will unlock it again now, as Berit was getting some some supportive replies, but it may be permanently locked if people can’t be respectful.

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You know, I was thinking about Chicago. I thought about NYC. The counselor commented on how many losses I have experienced, two deaths this summer of people and an old dog, that were my dearest friends. So, I grieve them, and the losses stack up. So, I feel it is OK to express myself on this board. I hope that it is alright. My parents were also able to accomplish many things because there was far more opportunity in America and it was much more inexpensive, and fewer people, less competition. My cousin in Norway studied computer science and works in that field. He is about 41. He was at E&Y but is much happier at a Norwegian firm, now. I understand about having to work and I am sorry. If you got a PhD, could you not change course? You ought to think about it. I was a volunteer with the World Wildlife Fund in Athens. Yes, he wrote most books after I came. We lived from book contract to book contract, thus the traveling life. He wrote the “To Kill the Devil”, when we were in Mystole Park. Are you in Canterbury? I believe in luck. I prolific British writer spoke about it, once.

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thank you, Denise, that has made the grief so deep and long-lasting. that my career won’t revive and I physically cannot move on. society does not realize that people need help. suicide rates mean that the govt. has abandoned the people. they are soaring over here. smashed careers means that people have no route, OUT. to move on which is essential when you have lost so much.

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Dear Mary: How kind! Thank you. I hope your children did not get Covid. And that the operation, will go well. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, and your children’s father. It is very hard. When I lost my dad, my mother was so sorry for me. She was so kind and good about it. Losing the “daddy” as we say in America, is a powerful loss. They are the silent support beam in a house. I appreciate the FaceTime chat offer. That is very kind. I did visit with a counselor, using that method. the session helped a lot. Sue Ryder is just for the British. I liked living in Kent. I loved so much going on treks and all of the fun things a child can do in the English countryside. There is no “cozy” here. Or “koselig” as we say in Norwegian, where my mother was from. I have always disliked Texas culture and now I am getting too scared to leave. But I feel I must. I have a little money. I have learned to save, and that is always a useful thing. I do have Facebook.

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Hi Berit, my son died by suicide, so believe me when i tell you i know how you feel. You have lost a lot of people so it is going totally overwhelm you. Hang in there and grab all of the help you can. It is so hard i know, but you can do it. I wrote a post on the 1st anniversary of my sons death, please feel free to take a look.

I am sorry Denise. that is terrible. he must have felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. I often feel that if I was more open with my parents they could have helped me more. I looked for your post. I have to navigate around. I think that life has gotten so much more “lost” than it was.

He did indeed Berit. Talking is the key, there were days we sat on the floor with him in floods of tears. I am so glad that you are getting help, use evert bit of help that you can and just keep talking.

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The below is something i wrote on the Sue Ryder foundation website on the 7th April, the anniversary of Adrians death. I am aware that a
lot of people are going through the awful process of grief at the moment. I hope that it gives a few of you just a tiny bit of comfort.

It is 1 year ago today that we lost our son to suicide. Although i am totally heartbroken still i have come to realise how truly blessed i am. I did not really appreciate how many friends and family that i had in my life that support me. They have formed a big circle of protection around our family, and this continues to get us through everyday. To anyone who has just lost a loved one, things will never be the same, but you will get through it. You will Miss your loved one everyday, but at some point you will think about them and smile . Your loved ones are always there with you, you will always carry them close. Donot feel that you are not entitled to scream shout or cry, these feelings are there because you loved that person, and you have every right to these feelings. For now take one day at a time and know that the days will gradually become brighter.

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he must have been very sensitive. sensitive types take things so hard. people also need solid paths to keep them righted. this world and job market, offers too little solidity and is daunting. structure is very important and there is not enough of it. people need surety to thrive. I am very sorry you experienced this. a friend of my mother also did too. he was lucky to have parents who cared so much. my old school chum dreamed a few years ago that my parents came to collect me from her house. they were both deceased. I also dreamed that they came to get me out of some looney bin, to rescue me. these dreams are very comforting,

I believe that dreams about our loved ones are them paying us a little visit. Telling us they are ok and that you are going to be ok. They are also sending reassuring us that they are always with us in spirit.


Dear @Berit, you’re correct, the losses do stack up, and they start taking their toll. Are you still seeing your counsellor? They seem quite helpful.

That’s good that your cousin is happy, yes, working for a firm like E&Y pays very well but people are often unhappy working for such firms. My Norwegian friend went back to work in Norway, he initially worked in the UK after university but then he decided that the Norwegian lifestyle was much happier for him.

A PhD is now very difficult to do. I had managed to get a grant from the EPSRC to pay for my Masters, and had intended to then move onto a PhD, but my financial situation meant I had to go into work. Also, as I have a history of depression, the risk of getting depressed whilst doing a PhD was too great, as most of the work is research, and can get quite lonely. Now it isn’t feasible, as I would like to get married soon, which of course is difficult when you’re grieving for your dad and are not happy.

No, not in Canterbury, much closer to London. I was reading bits of your dad’s book on Amazon, and in it he acknowledges your mum and “Berit”. How cool is that? You’re lucky your dad has left behind a legacy that you can be so proud of.

All true. But you seem young enough to plow through these things, to the other side. I suffer from depression in general. Understand the world too well. But knowing it as I do, the depression, I resent what I allowed it to get away with. I know and understand the world order and it makes things daunting. However, aside from the grief, I do not know when you lost your father, don’t let depression dictate your future, if at all possible. On “Cosmos” they tell about so many great scientific pioneers who faced great hurdles to do their work. But I understand all you say. I used to be a t.v. newscaster but I was not used to dealing with mean horrible male managers and my career went astray. I recovered some but — well it would take a miracle to return to the airwaves. I hate pills but if pills without side effects might help you move along with your life as you had planned, might it be a solution? Brothers helping with your mother. I can say only, one must fight back. One just has to! Easy to say though.

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p.s. I know the loneliness inherent in the work. Being a reporter, I was in the field with people, all day. Now, I have two novels, one sci-fi, that I work on, but writing is very solitary. But it does not mean that I should not finish it. I have 78-000 words to go :slight_smile: I understand PhD is very hard, but those people who have accomplished these goals, are very glad that they did. :slight_smile:

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p.p.s just one more positive comment for you, Abdullah. a man who likes me very much we went to vote yesterday, it was easy, took about an hour, no sweat, he took me to lunch after and despite all of my problems and flaws etc., he is besotted with me, told me so … and then told me that I was perfect, just how I was. I had a boyfriend like this before … now I don’t know if they are nut jobs or what, when they start stalking I suppose that they are, however, I think that if you found the right woman she will not worry about your depression or job situation or your strange looking pinky toe. people who really like someone, as I am sure the many married people on this board will attest to, don’t care about that stuff. they are just delighted to be with you. that is the ONLY qualification you need to have. it is all chemistry. people are most attracted to those who protect themselves. just wanted to mention it. but never be with someone you don’t feel that way about. a long marriage is an accomplishment, my parents were married 60+ years. I am not interested in this man … however, he gave me a measure of the kind of interest a man should have for me. made me feel very confident and it was very nice.

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if you keep slogging along, that is what a woman will admire. you may not be a millionaire, but she will be attracted that you are at least, in pursuit of your goals. my ex I admire because he resurrected his career and works at it. does not make a lot in his current thing, but has a mind to, but that he went out and did the work necessary, I admire endlessly. it can be the same for you. just don’t let go. take a break, but never let go. I have let go so many times, and it was when all was lost.

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