Hi all. I used to come on this site a lot after my son died. But not so much these days. But looking back on this site the one thing that stands out a mile is. It’s full of people all experiencing the same feelings. When you loose a child it’s such a complete mindshock. We never think it will happen to us. When it does the first thing that happens is you simply can’t comprehend what has happened let alone deal with it. In the days following you just become robotic. Everything around you just feels different. You are numb. You get crippled with emotional pain. You can’t function properly. You are on an unstoppable rollercoaster of grief and pain. Normal everyday stuff just feels completely scrambled.
Once the dust has settled the funeral and or the inquest. You are trying to find your way in an alien world. Nothing makes any sense anymore. Your body clock is all over the place. You have no appetite for anything let alone food.
Days turn into weeks you still can’t make any sense. You have endless questions. What if,s. That you can’t answer. If only I’d have done x y or z.
Everyone asks the same question. When will I get back to normal. Unfortunately, normal has gone forever.
You will see the people around you differently. Everything in your once normal life is now different. People think time is a great healer. It’s not time that heals . It’s your mind that learns to cope. 6 months a year. 2/3/4/5 years you will relive the day over and over again. You will feel terrible guilt or anger. You don’t know why you feel these things. Because you can’t turn the clock back. A counsellor once said to me if you could bring your son back. Write a list of things you would do to prevent what happened so you could change things. After id written it down she screwed it up and put it in the bin. She said. You can’t change anything. Because it’s already past. Whatever you think you could of done is null and void. This made me feel really angry towards the counsellor. Until I sat and thought about what she said. She was right.
The loss of a child effects you in so many ways. Far to many to mention. Except to say your life will never be the same again. It can’t be. You’ve lost the most precious thing in your world. You feel you are not allowed to enjoy yourself ever again. You feel your not allowed to laugh or smile. Go on holiday. Go to the pub. Enjoy a good film. Because you feel if you do you are somehow letting your child down. I can’t let them think I’m ever enjoying myself or getting over them. I’m a good few years down the line and I still spend many a night sat downstairs in the small hours on my own in the dark.
Everything you experience in the weeks and months after your loss. Is just your new life. There is no time limit as to when you think you should click out of feeling the way you do. It took me a long time to begin to function properly again. The best measuring stick to gauge yourself is to think back to 3 months ago or 6 months or a year only then will you see how far you have come. You don’t ever get over your loss. And people won’t understand why you aren’t the same as you used to be. But you have to just go along with how you feel. You don’t have to answer to others. On any given day you just feel how you feel. Even years later you will be doing something/ anything and a thought will creep up on you and turn you into a sodden mess. But eventually it will come and go as sure as day turns into night.
In the beginning I never thought I could leave the house without being stared at. I struggled greatly at work. I didn’t want to meet anyone. I wouldn’t go on holiday. I couldn’t and still can’t listen to certain songs, didn’t want to visit certain places. But it will all come back to you. The first few weeks you will feel you can’t do anything ever again. But you will! I’ve always described it like this. If you head was a computer and you took a microchip out and put it back in the wrong way round. Everything is scrambled. But your mind slowly starts to work things out and stuff falls back into place. It will be different than before but you will start to live again.
Ok thanks for listening
Jim
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Hi Jim- Thank You for your honest description of how it feels on an ongoing basis dealing with the loss of a child. After losing my son last August I wake up in the morning and the first thought is -it can’t be true- this can’t be happening- my handsome boy will be back - it’s just a bad dream- he’s in his bedroom. I can’t get my head around the what if’s - I thought me and my son had a protective connection -my family is my life- how couldn’t I keep him safe?? I’ve failed at the one thing that was my greatest joy in life, looking after my son. I can’t imagine feeling like this for however long. Like you say my head has to try and process a different way forward but my heart says no more absolute agony.
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