I lost my mum in September 2023, when I was 35. I’m just wondering what other people’s experience of grief has been like in the second year and beyond.
For me, the second year has been so much harder than the first. The first almost felt like a blur, and maybe I was in “looking after everyone else” mode, especially as my dad and sister were in such a bad place. But this year it’s hitting me in so many ways. From just a deep, raw missing her, to my brain still trying to process what’s happened and that she’s not here, but not quite managing to.
Sometimes I think, if this is what grief is, and I have to carry this for the next 30–40 years, it just feels brutal.
Weirdly, I know I’m not alone in going through this, but I also feel very alone a lot of the time. I’ve got a wife and two girls (5 and 7), but I struggle to explain to my wife how I’m really doing in a way that I feel she can truly understand.
I could write pages about my mum, but I’ll just say that she is incredible. A huge presence. So positive, so full of energy and love. The lack of that presence now feels massive in every part of life.
Thanks in advance to anyone who might share their own experience.
I can see you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I hope you find it to be a support to you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum that brings you here. She sounds like an amazing person.
You might find it helpful to read our, “How long does grief last?” article, which talks about what grief might feel like two years on:
I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts, too. Take good care,
I lost my Mum October 2023 so Im on a similar timeline to you @DeBate. Ive heard many a podcast that talks about year 2 feeling worse than year 1 so I dont think its uncommon to feel that way. I think the numbness wears off, all the activity around funerals and probate get resolved and suddenly you’re left with the reality that “this is it”.
Personally yes, I’m finding it really tough, especially as we’ve only just sold Mums house and Ive only just moved back into my own home ( i had been living with Mum to care for her and then couldnt bear to move out after she’d gone) . Friends/family without direct experience of grief tend to assume that once all the milestones are reached and you pass the first anniversary, it gets easier. But to paraphrase grief author Megan Devine you havent simply lost your loved one at one point in time, youve lost their physical presence in your life going forward, and “as your grief unfolds you’ll find more and more place their absence shouts”. So i think thats what we feel more and more in year 2, all those places in our lives where their absence is felt so keenly.
Ive been told by fellow grievers that eventually things DO start to feel less painful, and you can start to remember them with more love than pain, but I’m certainly not there yet. Everyone will be different depending on their relationship with their loved on but take heart, youre not alone and im sure many other posters on here may have similar experiences.
Thanks so much for your message. I really appreciate it and I’m sorry for your loss also. That must have been a huge thing to finally move back into your home. My Dad is currently bending over backwards with all sorts of methods to financially afford to buy out my cousin’s half of the house my Mum was in, because he can’t bear to lose it or move out. So I can see that that must have been very hard to move out.
It sounds like you’ve been researching into grief a little bit, or more than I have because it’s something I’ve not done, so perhaps I need to start on podcasts as well to hear more stories about it. And interesting about feeling less painful over time. I feel a more appropriate phrase than “it get’s easier”.
Thanks again for taking the time to message. It’s really helped.
You’re very welcome. If you’re looking for podcasts/grief experts to follow on social media, as well as Megan Devine I personally have found David Kessler and Julia Samuel very useful, as well as the Good Mourning podcast which has a big back catalogue of episodes. Some of these experts also offer free webinars from time to time.
