Jodie
amen to all you say
It’s where I want to be but just can’t shake off this sea of sadness
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I feel.like that most days its so difficult with out him I don’t even know who I am any more
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Amy85
Exactly how I feel
No identity anymore
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It is a sea of sadness, there’s no getting around that, it’s huge, sometimes it seems all sea but maybe one day you see a lighthouse or a piece of land in the distance or a person is a lighthouse whatever, or even strength comes from the one you miss so much but the landscape has to change so much love to everyone on this journey
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Welcome Amy, just even to know you are not alone happy you have posted big hug 
Dear,
Misprint,
I totally understand,and just so sorry for your loss,i am only 38 and the last day in August this year,it will be 5 years without my Beautiful Mum,and 3 years without my Dad,I am in grief pretty much each day,but have to carry on for my 15 year old son,i have very little family,no brothers/sisters. Yes,when i go to sleep,i’d say a couple of times a week i have the thoughts you have. life is just not the same,my Mum especially and my Dad are the only ones,who really understood my illness of 10 years. All i can say is you just have to take each day,and get to the end. I’m thinking of seeing a high quality medium this year,and i promise you,if you decide to do that,and they tell you things only you could know,you will find some peace. Message me,if you want,i come on here almost each day,Take Care,Lucy,xxx
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That’s so beautifully put. A whole sea of sadness. For a long time.
Sometimes then a hint of some rocks or a lighthouse.
But ALWAYS the love of those to whom you’ve reached out -here or wherever- keeps you afloat, be it calm or stormy. Love is stronger than grief, love is stronger than guilt, love is stronger than confusion and love travels the whole world
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Understand all those feelings. It’s 9 weeks since I lost my partner. I’m trying to find distraction and comfort, friends and family have been kind. I have only just recently been able to listen to songs we liked, still makes me cry. Early mornings are hard , it’s so dark and dismal at the moment. I feel almost disloyal if I move things at home because it means changing the way things were when we were together. My enthusiasm for the things I used to enjoy has diminished, I’m just going through the motions, doing the everyday things that have to be done.
The huge Boulder I felt in my chest at the beginning has reduced in size but the future still seems impossible.
He was my happiness. I was lucky to have had the time with him, I am trying to focus on the lovely memories. I feel for everyone on this site, it helps to know that I’m not alone with my feelings and that I’m not crazy. Thank you for sharing.
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Welcome Amy. Grief is so overwhelming. Every cell of one’s body seems to be filled with grief. Especially in our brain. Brain becomes totally confused as the one who has died occupied a huge brain-space. Brain does not know how to navigate the now unused connections. There is no conception of ordinary life or self image available- for a time. Gradually the body grows around the grief and holds it. And we form a new jigsaw of our life xx
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Hi Maigret
Your story is a mirror image of mine. We both caught Covid at Xmas one year ago. I survived but I lost my soulmate on 27th January.
As if it’s not hard enough facing this Xmas and new year alone ,I was diagnosed with cancer on 17th December . Had a phone call yesterday to say results of my pet scan showed it hasn’t spread elsewhere. Just felt numb ,not with relief but because my Tom wasn’t here to share the news with.
Have to face 6 months of chemo without him to lean on! He’s the only one I need and he’s not here so I don’t want to fight this. Yes I’ll have the treatment but I really don’t care what the final outcome will be. Selfish of me I know when so many are fighting illness to stay alive.
But what am I fighting for ,to prolong a lonely empty life on my own? No hugs, no new memories just an empty future full of regrets and gut renching heartache.
I wonder what I must have done in my past ,that’s so terrible ,to deserve this life.
Hell is here on earth.
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Hi tomtom
Sorry for your news but I know what your saying I am supposed to be goin to hospital Monday for tests but I’m not going I don’t care anymore I don’t care if my times up so be it I will be with Jim so I’m not that bothered.
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Dear @Tomtom & @Misprint
It’s not the right thing to say. But I don’t know what I hope for you both. Some will say you owe it to your soulmates to fight what’s ahead of you, they didn’t get the option.
I think if I got ill I would just lie down to it, I am such a weak person now, a shadow of the strong capable organised ‘let’s get this done & dealt with’ sort of positive person.
Now I don’t care. Who would I be saving my life for? As you say, no hugs, no touch, no looks of love
Harsh thing to say, but honestly how I feel.
But that said I wish you both well with whatever you are now faced with xx
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Another very very brave post.
How terrifyingly fathomless, bottomless, horizon-less grief is.
To carry on and face our own illness, treatment, chemo when the desolation is so great - what a choice.
And that’s our choice. If we opt to die, it’s forever. Death as you already know, is FOREVER.
We can make that choice to die at anytime.
Why not have the treatment, go for the appointment - but don’t go alone.
Find a friend, a neighbour, a relative to pick you up and go with you.
Then if it’s too much we’ve tried, and we can choose to refuse treatment and face what happens
Just sending love 
and hugs
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Hi Maigret
I made a decision when I lost my wife of 38 years last February that I will now let nature deal with me, if this means I die from an illness that could be treated I will not be looking for treatment, I cannot see the point in continuing this existence, It is only an existence not life! I also ask what have I done to have to deal with this continued pain, loneliness, isolation and heartache. I go to bed, I wake up, I go to work, I get home, I eat when I can, I go to bed and it all starts again, I have money in the bank but this brings me no comfort as who do I share it with?? I have no purpose in life anymore.
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Your right life is just an existence feels like groundhog day same feeling when I wake up till I go to bed
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@tonyo42. I understand perfectly and share your thoughts on this existence. We would all probably agree that life is so hard, the difficult things we were faced with were made easier when we had our loved ones to be with us through thick & thin.
Money in bank means nothing to me either and we were never possession driven or extravagant. But we had each other and a warm loving family which sadly is so delicate & fragmented now with the dynamic & siesmic shift after the loss of the guy we all looked up to & loved so much.
Grief takes everything doesn’t it?
Well it’s welcome to take me, I’ve no use for this version of me.
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Do you know I felt like that - I was married for 51 years and my husband just went to bed and died - it was so sudden that I couldn’t take it in - I have only just accepted it. I find that helping my daughters and grandchildren with their busy lives help me to cope with this awful loss - I try and carry on and be useful and I still love my husband and cherish the memories I find comfort in thinking about all the happy times we had together and I have his picture by my bed and say good morning and goodnight to him - I miss him and I still get upset if I think too deeply about my loss of his love but after nine months I am learning to cope on more days. All you can do is expect it to be awful but time helps you improve and the awfulness becomes less prominent. I don’t think I deserved this but who does - it happens to a lot of people - I was a good wife and he was a good husband for 51 years and we loved each other -I am grateful for that.
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Maigret.
Me too. I feel exactly the same. I was terrified of death until my Ron passed. Now I have no fear at all. I would not have chemo because of what it did to my beloved husband. I will just accept whatever comes to me. Grief has ruined my life if that is what you call it.
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Hi
A few kind-spirited souls gave me adult colouring books to help with anxiety having lost Mum before Xmas. In her younger days Mum encouraged us to draw and would often buy crayons as a treat (goodness me crayons, what would today’s kids make of that). For a moment I thought of showing Mum when I completed one, then I sadly remembered it’s only because she isn’t here that I have got these books. When I lost my Husband, I had my Mum but now I no longer have my Mum I don’t feel I have a witness to my life anymore, so yes, “what’s the point” feels incredibly accurate.
Kind thoughts to all.
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Yep, have had exactly the same thing over the nearly five years of loosing the love of my life to the horrid MND. Always told, as usual " things will get better over time" . Well, Does it hell no!
Still just existing, and that’s no life. Just waiting on my time. Whatever happens to me happens, the one thing I have learnt over the time is I’m now fearless of death…J
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