When do I get chance to grieve?

Hi It is the 1st anniversary of my mom’s death on Friday. I am lying in bed ill with a nasty cold, but have realised that it is probably the first time I have had to think about my grief in 12 months. I feel everyone is relying on me all the time. My mother left an older sister who she looked after and gave company to alot and I now feel a duty to do the same and she is very good at guilt tripping. My brother has anxiety issues and he lived with my mother so I have had to deal with all the finances selling the house getting him moved to new house etc. My aunties daughter has learning difficulties so I am now having to get involved in her care and finances. My husband has emphysema and has to give up work. I work 2 jobs and am the main breadwinner. Also we have 3 children although 2 are grown up the other one is 16. Sorry for the rant but all I am feeling is anger towards everyone which I think is delayed grief as I have just had to keep pushing the grief down to deal with everyone else. All I want to do is pack a bag and leave them all to it.


Helen, my heart goes out to you. You have so much to deal with and feeling angry that you have to deal with everything for everyone else seems quite natural to me. Yes, we do have a period in grief that we feel angry but frankly it think it’s more to do with what you are having to cope with and not having your mother there just tops it off.
At some point you need to say sorry but I can’t do everything and give others jobs which they should be able to do and give them the chance to achieve something for themselves. Make sure your husband gets all the benefits available to him and please make some time for yourself, that’s important, very important. I do hope just writing about how you feel has helped, we are always here for you. Sending big hugs and blessings. S xx

Thanks Susie for your kind words and support. I know I need to learn to say no to people and take sometime for myself. I am feeling a little better today I think it helped just having a rant.

Your welcome, we all need to have a rant sometimes but please think of yourself. You can only give so much before you unravel. xxx

Hi @Helen0709

I just wanted to say that i totaly empathise with you and know where you are coming from. I lost my dad unexpectedly on 12th August this year. My parents had been divorced for a long time but where still civil as they both visited my younger brother who is severely autistic. My older brother, who was my dad next of kin suffers chronic depression and anxiety. I was left to handle everything regarding dad. I had to deal with the finances and sort the funeral out etc, i was the only person in the family to visut my dad in the chapel of rest. So we had the funeral last week, 7th Sept and since then it has hit me like a ton of bricks, i cant sleep cant stop crying, thinking, feeling like i am lost, meanwhile my older brother and mother seem like they gave already forgotten about dad and are now hounding me to take shopping, pick up prescriptions, sort their lives out for them basically. Unfortunately yesterday this resulted in me absolutely blowing up on mum while i was taking my autistic daughter back to university. At which point i told her a few (many) home truths ( not very nice at all) which resulted in a huge row and me saying i was done with them. Also resulted in mum, my daughter and myself all crying in a car full of student stuff. Not the most progressive day and now i can feel guilty about that too. So i totally understand how you feel, i feel that they think i am a robot, that i dont have any feelings or emotions or they dont care and that i am totally alone and not supposed to grieve for my father. I hope you find a way through these difficult times, its awful when you feel you have no support at all. I feel the same as you, i just want to leave it all behind. Stay strong x

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P.s Really apologies for all the bad grammar, i’ve not slept in 2 days.

I feel a lot of sympathy for you. Its sounds very much like how I feel especially the part about being a robot. It is all very recent for you, do you have friend, or support outside the family? I found I was letting everything build up and get on top of me, if you can speak to a friend about how your feeling or as I did have an online chat with cruise bereavement services it helps to get it off your chest and release those emotions. Sometimes you have to put yourself first and learn to say no, I know this is easier said than done I am really bad at this. When my Mom died I cut my work hours to take some of the pressure off but I know not everyone can do this. I’m always here for a chat if you need to x

Thank you for the reply @Helen0709 and I do apologise for jumping on your post. I felt like we were experience the same sort of issues ane emotions. I dont really have any support but i am sure this community will help and I may look into getting some therapy. Hope you are feeling a little better and not so overwhelmed with it all.

Thanks for your reply, I think therapy can be really helpful. I am feeling a little better today thanks. Hope you are feeling better today too. Keep in touch