A little back story, I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship, I met my husband 3.5years ago in that time we have had to agony of suffering 2 miscarriages and the pain from that was hard.
In July last we discovered we were expecting again, we went for scans and found out it was twins, omg we were so happy more so when we found out it was a boy and a girl.
Fast forward to Xmas eve 2017 when I went into labour at 32 weeks, I can’t remember much of the details as it went so fast, my baby boy came first then 7 minutes later his sister, both were whisked away to scbu and I just got a picture of my girl to look at, my son was very ill they tried so hard to save him but at 3.32am Xmas morning he closed his eyes and went to sleep in daddy’s arms.
Our girl had to stay on the Neonatal ward for another 4 weeks. We were busy with arranging brodys funeral and spending our days at the hospital. It has been 10 weeks since they were born. I sit looking at my babys urn at 2am when I’m feeding his sister and I miss him so much. I want to scream at the world I hate everyone. When does it get better?
It sounds as though you’ve been through a horrendous ordeal and what your experiencing emotionally may be heightened by the fact your baby boy was a twin and therefore caring for your baby girl is an added reminder which is natural. The grieving process takes along time so please remember to be patient with yourself, it is early days and we each go through it at different rates, stages and intensities. Grieving is naturally exhausting, our emotions and minds are all over leaving us with little energy. I imagine sleepless nights with your little one and caring for a baby and a 10 year old on top of this may be leaving you drained in itself. so combined with one another you are going though a lot at the moment. Please be kind and patient with yourself. Often taking one day at a time helps as a coping mechanism rather than thinking or planning too far ahead; it’s enough to get through the day and whatever it brings. I wonder if the hospital provided you with any bereavement support. If they didn’t, i am providing you with some links to charities which may help you access support whether that be a bereavement volunteer, groups or info on losing a child, these sites also provide an opportunity to talk to other parents that have lost children which may help.
Take Care at this difficult time and take everyday as it comes, one step at a time.
Also i forgot to say - Anger often goes hand in hand with losing someone we so desperately want in our lives, here by our side, it’s a natural response and understandable you are feeling the intensity you described of hatred. Anger can be very overwhelming as it is quite intense and goes alongside hating everyone and everything and the world itself. What’s important is that you release that anger and not keep it bottled up inside as this can be detrimental to your own well being and mental health on top of everything you’re going through. I may be suggesting things you already do but I will say them anyway in case they are not something you currently do and may help.
Writing a daily diary can really help; projecting all of your anger and emotions onto the pages so you are releasing that anger and hurt and pain off your chest, out of your body and mind rather than it floating around inside only consuming you and destroying the time you have with your baby girl.
Writing a letter to loved one you have lost (you could do this for both babies you lost via miscarriage and brody)
This can help to get all of those suppressed feelings out, particularly helpful if you were unable to say goodbye, you felt you wish you had said something to them. You can then choose what you would like to do with your letter; some people choose to burn it, bury it under tree etc. in garden, keep it safe in a memory box(which you may have done with the hospital if not the websites have info on), read it aloud to your loved one you lost at your or their home, or at loved one’s place of rest, read it to self or family member, or other. You could each write one individually and share them as a family on a special occasion or just when you get together.
or having a separate diary that you keep and over time whenever you want to talk to him directly you can write to him - like the first christmas etc writing how you feel as if you’re speaking directly to him - i know you can do this without writing it but sometimes it helps in years to come to look back on or may bring comfort at the time. You could have a family one that you keep in the room so brody is with you where you can all write messages to him - and the children can write or draw messages - so your family can stay connected and your babygirl can add to it aswell as she grows.
Post/Letter/Message box to loved one
Making, decorating a cardboard box with
significant colour that reminds you of that person or collage of things that remind you of your loved one - then
creating a postal hole so you can slot notes/messages/letters in at significant times i.e.Christmas, birthdays or anniversary of their passing. This can help those to celebrate the person’s memory and speak directly to them privately. The box could be in a prominent place such as living room at loved ones home. Children can post pictures if they are too young to write how they feel. At the end of the event/Christmas or new years’ period/ or end of year family can go through letters and see how much their loved one is remembered and choose what to do with letters, could take photos and post on a memorial page or keep them
in a memory box. Particularly helpful going into the New Year as feelings can be more prominent.
Having a particular plant or tree in the garden or house where family and friends can write messages on little gift tags then hang them from the plant/tree with string or ribbon can help to bring your loved one you have lost into your home and have their presence felt throughout the year, adding to the tree then removing the tags after new year or have these tags to put on the plant/tree for significant occasions such as their birthday, anniversary of passing etc. Particularly effective during festive times such as Christmas where tags can be hung on the Christmas tree when all the family is together.
Having a special place in a family garden or place of rest can be helpful to spend quiet time in thought or talking/thinking of loved one. Additionally going to a place you always enjoyed spending time with your loved one, seaside, the park, with family, to remember loved one on anniversaries can be helpful.
or creating a tribute page
Just suggestions - take or leave them at your leisure
I hope they help
Take care of yourself
EDIT - sorry half asleep meant for last bit place you like to spend time with family and having bench or plant so when family go there can spend time.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.
The hospital were amazing to us and helped with so much.
I sleep downstairs ( ha sleep is used loosely here) in the room because that is where brody is, my husband doesn’t like it but I think he accepts it. Although he doesn’t know the reason why I stay downstairs.
I talk to brody I miss him so much his sister is such an amazing little girl but i feel so guilty all the time, guilty to brody that I get to cuddle and kiss naevia and not him, then guilty that I think about brody when I’m cuddling her, also guilty for my older son because i feel empty and numb and he’s not getting a good mum anymore.
I understand you wanting to be close to Brody, it’s your motherly instinct, especially as he would have only be a few months old, your natural instinct will want to be near him, like you will be near Naevia as she’s little and needs you in the night. You may find this may ease over time as your baby girl gets older and sleeps through the night you may be able to return to sleeping upstairs, but at the moment it sounds as though being close to him brings you much needed comfort which can only be a good thing. Maybe in time if your husband asks you might open up to him about why you stay downstairs as you’re both grieving i imagine he would be understanding and it may help to share your grief with one another and talk about Brody.
What you describe is natural - it’s a bit like ‘survivors guilt’ like going through a traumatic event and having that overwhelming heavy, burdening weight, of guilt about everything you do, but it’s like because your Naevia is so young you are feeling it for her, if that makes sense. But you have nothing to feel guilty about - and i know that won’t eliminate your feeling of guilt but what happened was beyond your control - you are not responsible for which baby is here and i know ideally they both would be and i Understand it’s different from that and it may feel like that there’s this guilt when interacting with your baby girl because you cannot do the same with brody, and at the opposite end of the scale you describe the same guilt thinking of Brody when your cuddling Naevia; that is completely natural because your basic motherly instinct is to want to be cuddling and kissing and caring for both of them and because that possibility has cruelly been taken from you, you are left still with the desire to hold them both in your arms. But as you physically are unable to do that, what’s happening is your channelling all of that love into one baby and thinking of them both at separate times but that is ok. It’s ok to want to do that, it’s ok to think of brody when cuddling Naevia because they shared your womb - you were all connected as one and by thinking of him from time to time when cuddling her you are once again connecting that bond - if it’s helping you cope and comforts you there is absolutely no harm. In time things may change and you may feel connected differently however it’s very early days and she is only a few months like he would have been and naturally you want to feel close to both and thinking of brody when cuddling Naevia is like sharing the love between them like you would have been and that is nothing to feel guilty about. I don’t know if that makes sense or is coming across right - i’m really glad the hospital was helpful and support, i do feel that talking to mums that have experienced losing a child may help, those websites have parent support groups etc and are really good so i’ve heard.
Feeling empty and numb sounds to me as though you’re still in shock. You’ve been through a very traumatic time, losing a child is unnatural as it’s not the natural order of things so this would cause shock. Please try not to be so hard on yourself - you are going through a lot and are doing your best and that’s all you can do. Remember there are people who can help - bereavement support and talking to husband or family members/friends to share the load - they can help with the children so you can have time to grieve or on your own.
below is link to cruse booklet that may normalise some of the feelings you’re experiencing and may help.It also has info on supporting children through grief - share the burden and let a bereavement volunteer or childrens group help your 10year old as they will be grieving too and the volunteer can help them understand that mummy and daddy are grieving too. Also with children it’s best to be open and honest about how you’re feeling, because if you’re having a down moment and are feeling sad and say ‘mummy’s feeling a bit sad today how are you feeling?’ it allows them to share if they might be feeling sad too. your eldest will understand if you say your missing brody they may be missing him too and by you being there together that’s enough. You don’t have to be super mum - being honest mum, mum that hugs and has a cry when they’re crying etc is good enough mum - you’re only human - they’ll be times in the future that you can smile and laugh with your eldest if today isn’t that day don’t beat yourself up - you’re going through a lot and in the long run it will help them to regulate their emotions and be able to show how they feel if you’re honest with yourself, do what you can at the time and take everyday as it comes one day at a time - no pressure - no high expectations - you’ve got enough to cope with at the moment without putting expectations on yourself on how good of a mum you’re being to your 10yr old. Maybe scheduling a couple of hours a week to spend with them alone would help - now you could just watch their favourite tv show but it’s quality time but no pressure to be anyone or do anything your not feeling up to. - just ideas.
Anyway all the best for the future - take care of you!