When does it feel real?

Losing a child
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My 6 month old baby died 5 weeks ago. He had a rare blood disorder that we thought was being managed but complications happened. His death was ‘sudden but not unexpected’ in medical terms . I know I’m still very early on in this nightmare but it still doesn’t feel real. I know he has died. I was there with him. His funeral was 2 weeks ago but yet it still doesn’t feel real. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I know everyone is different but for you when did your loss feel real?

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Hello tommydenn

I can see that you’re new to the community. I am so sorry to hear about your baby. You say things feel unreal right now, please know that is normal, a lot of people tell us things feel unreal after the death of a loved one. I wanted to share some sources of support that might help you right now.

  • Child Bereavement UK support families with the loss of a child. They also support bereaved children. You can call their helpline on 0800 02 888 40.
  • The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age. They have a grief companion scheme where you can get 1-1 support from another bereaved parent. You can call them on 0345 123 2304.
  • Sands - Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society have lots of support on their website.
  • Tommy’s support anyone with the loss of a baby. They have a helpline on 0800 0147 800 or email midwife@tommys.org. They also have a baby loss support Facebook group.

Sue Ryder also has some resources which can help you cope with grief.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care, Rhi

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Hi Tommydenn. Everything you are experiencing is ‘normal’, as much as anything can be normal about losing your child. So sorry for your loss. I lost my beautiful daughter 8 weeks ago, and yes, although I was there,lol the way through,I seem to be going through this disbelief too. I was there when she took her last breath, I was there when she was buried, but still I find myself asking ‘where have you gone’ ‘why doesn’t she text me’ ‘when is she coming back’. Our minds know the reality of it, but still cannot fathom it. It is such raw early days, and we are told we are heading towards ‘acceptance’, whenever that is. But I won’t accept it, my heart won’t allow it, yet. I hope you have caring family and friends x

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I agree completely. It’s been 15 weeks for me and just like you, I know she’s gone but I just cannot accept it. When I pull on the drive after work, I still imagine that she’ll run down the stairs into my arms. My heart aches for her and I cannot accept that she’s gone.

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Hello tommydenn

I still find it surreal and quite unbelievable that I won’t see my daughter in real terms again. It’s been 28 weeks. Every day is a lesson in acceptance, I physically know she’s gone but my head still refuses to accept it. My most helpful thing is to write down how you feel each day , I mean really express everything, anger, grief, love . I even set up a WhatsApp group for my daughter and I send messages to her via that

Do whatever helps you xxx take care

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tommydean, I am so very, very sorry that you baby boy died. I can not imagine a worse pain for a parent. I don’t know when the loss feels real, my husband died 13 weeks ago and I still can’t wrap my head around it, expecting him to walk into the room at any moment.

Call it protection shock. It is unacceptable to us, so we can’t accept it. Friends who have lost children did, in fact, survive and eventually thrived again. They all still talk about the lost child, but no longer collapse with grief.

Again, I am so sorry, my heart aches for you.

Hugs and lots of love from New Orleans.

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