A recurring theme to so many of the posts on this site ask the same question, when does the grieving end, when does the pain go away? Simple answer I believe is that it doesn’t but we learn to live with it and even that is different for everyone
I had coffee on Monday with a friend who had lost her husband 3 years ago, on the surface I thought she had handled her loss well but speaking to her on Monday I realised that she has not. She actually upset me a bit because she said that ‘they say it gets better, but it doesn’t’ I thought at the time she said it that I would be in the same place as her in 3 years time but on reflection I realised that because that was how she felt that it was not necessarily going to be the same for me. We all have different circumstances, different coping methods and different lives. So I will not let her words worry me, I have to find my own answers to this devastating situation and hope that I can find the right means to make my life worthwhile for however many years I have left
I hope you all find the strength to get beyond the point that you are at now and find a future that you can enjoy
Omg, high five! I have a couple of friends that have lost their husbands and between the three of us, we all have different feelings, different attitudes to moving forward and different attitudes to where we are now.
This was so refreshing to read because it’s so hard to hear that people are really struggling after a few years and it filled me with dread that I would always be like that but that’s not the case, for everyone.
We are all different, with different situations that puts us all in different places in life.
It’s very much in our own hands and what we want for ourselves. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, or there’s no pain or the tears have dried but it’s up to us to get where we want to be.
This new chapter has started for me and I can’t change what’s happened and I can’t go back to what I had but I’d like to be in control of what fills this next chapter.
Thank you for this post.
I agree with you in that none of us can change what has happened and that our future is in our own hands and how we deal with/manage/cope with/learn to live with, is up to us, though we will all have a different level of resilience and so for some we may be able to live/ manage/ deal with our grief quicker than others.
I dont think about it in terms of ‘coping’ with my grief though, as when I have a grief attack I could consider myself as being no longer able to cope which could set me back. Its not easy, but recognising and accepting that it will happen and will be painful is one of the ways I find I can live with it.
Ali29 it’s great to read your thoughts. I sometimes feel guilty to think about moving on with my life, I’m still saying that it’s too soon but then I look at it again and think I’m 77 and perhaps I don’t have enough years left not to try. I don’t pretend for one moment that it’s easy and I still have days where I feel very low but I look at others and think by comparison to many I’m very fortunate. I have a wonderful family and friends and I feel that I owe it to them to keep as positive as I can and to make the most of what time I have left.
Every day your moving on with your life, it just happens. We’ve been moving forward since the day they died. It’s life.
I too have amazing family, friends and made new friends along the way.
Yes, life is too short and we don’t know what life we have left and I know for sure that my partner would want me to enjoy life, just like he did and just like he would if roles were reversed. I know he wouldn’t be sitting on his arse waiting for death to come knocking.
Have to agree with you all. I first came to this site about a month after losing my wife, I was falling apart. I wanted The Answer to The Question, when would this end? I kept reading of people 3, 5, 10 years down the line saying they felt just as they did on day 1. I was devastated, terrified, I knew there was no chance of being able carry on with that pain for anywhere near that long. I remember saying to myself, I’m not having that. So I just let the storm come in and sweep me away, see where it washed me up. I feel now that was the right choice, for me.
I think the experience of grief is very similar and familiar to us all but how we deal with grief is different for each of us. But then so is life.
Coming up to a year and I think I’m doing better than I expected. Circumstance, luck, experience, attitude, support? I still have no idea, perhaps it’s just what you make of it, perhaps it’s how you think of life and what that means to you. Perhaps you make your own answers to the questions you ask yourself.
I was standing on a beach today with one of our very close friends, as we watched the waves crashing in my friend told me that my wife had been unbelievably strong and determined and that she hoped that she could be like my wife when her time came. I told her that my wife never knew she had that in her beforehand either, she just lived in the moment and tried to make the best of what she had. It’s all we can do.
Walam I’m so glad to hear how well you are doing now. I think you are right, it’s all about how we deal with it. The loss is awful, the early days are so hard but we are the only one who knows how we feel, no one’s the same as the next person and in the end we are the only one who can choose how we go forwards. What is right for one is not right for others. In real terms at just coming up to 16 weeks I am still not very far into this journey but I know I have to think about living my life without Chris. It’s not easy and not something I could even have considered I would have to do 4 months ago but I am beginning to accept that he has gone and that my new life is going to be very different. I can choose to sink or swim and I know that he would have wanted me to swim So I’m practicing my breast stroke and am determined to stay afloat. Life is never going to be the same again, I know I will have bad days, today I’m feeling positive about my ability to live this new life. I have started a course on Counselling and today received a very positive response from my tutor confirming a pass on my first assignment, not bad for a 77 year old. I’m hoping that this course will help me when I undertake two volunteering roles I am taking on. One with Age UK and one with the Macular Society, so yes, I am moving on. My loss is still as great, my sorrow is still there but I can see a future for me, not the one I would have chosen but a new and hopefully useful one.
As my friend said of my wife, I hope I can face it as you are. I have been thinking about the different reactions and approaches to dealing with grief and one thing I was coming to think is that it seems to be an age related, generational attitude, that younger people with less time together have a better hope, more of a chance to move forward. At 77 you’ve proved me wrong, I curtsy before you. Please keep doing what you’re doing, if you have set backs, times of drowning, remember you’ll come up for air. It does get easier, as you say we have choices, a chance to keep the horizon in sight. For me the grief has moved away into the distance, the loss and sadness are still there but they’re easier to share now, and I’m finding that makes all the difference.
I’m so impressed that you’re undertaking a counselling course, I’ve found trying in some way to help is one of the better paths in accepting how to cope. Has it helped you understand yourself better, what you are going through? Sorry for being so direct, it’s something I’ve been considering so am interested in your experience of this
I think it’s a natural route for me. I did an Open University degree which I completed at the age of 68 with a 2:1 Honours degree and one of the modules I did was on death and dying. I don’t know for sure but I really think it helped me when dealing with my loss. I have found getting back to studying has helped me and I am hoping that in doing the counselling course it will help me to help others. I have worked in Care until I retired in August after Chris passed and the voluntary work, while I hope will help others, will be therapeutic to me as well.
That’s interesting. I’ve registered to do an MA with the Open University starting next September. It’s been a while since I did my BA, graduated back in the 80s! I felt that I needed to have something to aim for. My original degree was in Classical Studies but the MA will be in English Literature. I love literature and thought that this would enable me to have a real focus and something to aim for. I know Keef would have wanted me to do this as we often talked about it before he went.
A very wise choice I would say. I really believe we need to find something to focus on and to take us away from the negative thoughts that are bound to be with us following a loss. Very good luck with your MA. Let me know how you get on with it. I must admit that getting back the discipline I need to study was difficult but having passed my first assignment and receiving positive feedback from my tutor has really spurred me on
I did start studying for a PGCE a few years ago and really managed to get back into the studying again so am really quite looking forward to it. With starting next September it gives me time to sort out things in the house and garden so that I won’t be distracted by major jobs I need to do. Thanks
@Annde I definitely agree. So many of the posts on here relate to this question, as if someone can give a definitive answer. The real issue here though is that we’re not good at dealing with death and grief as a society. It’s very much swept under the carpet, something not to dwell upon as it’s too upsetting. Grief is so complex and painful, but it has to be managed on an individual basis. Ultimately we all choose whether to sink in an abyss of despair or claw our way out toward the light. Reading through many posts on here over the months I can see it’s the people who grit their teeth and get back out there, investing time in the living who seem to manage grief more successfully. Best wishes to all xx
Rosiepink you are quite right. I know we all cope differently but I really believe that somewhere inside of most people there is a survival gene and eventually most people find a way to move forward. It comes easier for some than for others. I think I’m a born survivor, I’ve been through many traumas over my 77 years and I’m still here and trying to stay positive. Not always easy but the alternative is too hard to consider x
Again impressed, BA hons at 68 and a 2:1! Can I ask what subject that was in? I have a BA hons in fine art, but I believe that there is a route to convert this when approaching studying something such as psychology or therapy. At least that’s my understanding having known people in the past who have followed this route. I’m no longer in touch with these people (former work colleagues) and the details are a bit hazy so I’m trying to gather information at the moment.
Walan mine was done with the Open University and was a BSc Honours Open degree. Comprises of Modules including Human Nutrition, obesity, death and dying, dementia, psychology, The science of the mind and the later ones were in Leadership in management in care and finally Promoting Public Health. It took me 8 years to complete as I was working full time and also doing the accounts for Chris’s business.
Many thanks for the information, I didn’t realise there was such a thing as an Open degree, one more item to add to the list for research! I’m 53 at the moment and with everything that’s happened with losing my wife I’m looking to try and redirect my life as I move forward. I reckon I still have time (just!) to consider study in a new area but would need to come out the other end with some kind of employment prospects. I think it’s getting to the point where I will have to start contacting careers advice services or approach university departments directly. As you can see its a very loose plan at the moment 
Walan the joy of an open degree is that you can mix and match modules from all avenues. I stuck with Health and Social Care as it was the field I worked in. I’m not sure but I think Open degrees are not a choice in Brick Universities
While I was doing my degree I was asked by several people what I was bothering for at my age. My answer was that when I left school university was not an option for me (things were very different 60 years ago) and I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable. Was never used in my career but the knowledge I gained was invaluable.
The Open degree sounds like something I might be interested in, thanks for that. The Open University is something I hadn’t really considered, in fact I had forgotten it existed. I’ll definitely be having a look at what they offer as it might be an ideal fit with different aspects of what I hope to do, it would give me a lot more freedom in generating income whilst I study and would also allow me to live wherever I chose. Definitely food for thought!
And I completely agree with your reasoning for bothering, I’m definitely of the opinion that learning is a life long process and something I’ve always willingly undertaken. As you say it’s not just the practical applications but the understanding that it engenders in outlook.
@Annde thank you for your posts, I’m in awe of you. You have an impressive inner strength. I wish you all the best.