When does normal resume?

It’s been over 3 years now since my mum died and I don’t feel like I’ve had a normal day since.
I still find myself getting up early in the mornings because I can’t sleep and having a teary morning before husband gets up. I’m not one to show emotion to others, never have been (get that from my mum)!
Always been the emotional rock of my family until my mum passed. It just broke me… i lost all will to be strong and can’t seem to find it…
In still can’t watch a film with a cancer scene or a funeral.

I can’t seem to go a week without a breakdown, and I can’t seem to get the old me back.

I’ve piled on nearly 4 stone of weight so my health is suffering, I made myself so busy so I didn’t have to think that now I’m drowning. I’m studying a different charter ship, I run my own business and I still work full time (Covid hit hard financially hence the 2 jobs) but ultimately, my own business will give us so much more freedom when I can finally release from my employed job and fully work for myself so I don’t want to give it up.
But I feel I’m drowning so much, I don’t want to talk to my husband, I want to talk to my mum and she’s not here… and I just feel like I’m back to step 1 all
the time… how do you move on to some sort of normal? When do you finally stop the heartache…

Hello @Dezra,

Firstly, I am so sorry that you lost your mum - that is really hard and sad. You have soldiered on through grief, the pandemic and bad money worries- a really horrible combination. In response, you opened a business- which is doing well and has great potential in the future, while holding down a full time job. You have a home that you are running, too. Wow - this is a lot you are carrying. You are a very strong person, my friend- with no time for you. No wonder you feel like you are drowning. I want to give you a hug and say “look how far you have come”. You are surviving this and there is hope and a new life, within reach. You mention putting on weight. Crikey- we all have done this. It is something you could tackle gently- if you want to lose some weight. I lost weight through a bit of exercise and changing my diet - I got back to where I wanted to be. That felt good - something for me. I have started a bit of self-care, too. Nothing fancy, just using moisturiser again - just as a start. Could you talk into the silence- to your mum and ask her advice? What do you think she would say? From what you wrote, I think there is loads of love there. And this love continues, I have no doubt. I think my husband is with me, even though he died in January. That belief keeps me going each day. I have to adjust to this new normal- but he encourages me along the way. You have figured out and fixed so many problems. I hope you can stop, and think firstly of all you have achieved and then what you really want. And how you can get there as soon as you reasonably can. I think the heartache will start to recede, as you walk towards the future that you choose- with the knowledge that your mum’s love is with you, every step of the way. Take care, my friend and remember, your Sue Ryder family is with you.