When does the depression lift?

My son passed away 7 years ago now and I still feel devastated. Some days are better than others, but I’ve never felt whole since he passed. It’s like a piece of me is missing and it’s caused a real depressive and low and hollow feeling inside. I mean, I feel better than I did when it happened but now it’s like this feeling is just there, like a cloud. Does it get better than this?

Hi @Snoopie1999 and a warm welcome to our Online Community.

I’m so sorry about the death of your son, and I’m sure people here can relate to all of those feelings you’ve described. I’m sure you’ll receive some replies soon from others who’ve had a similar experience, but in the meantime, you might find it helpful to read through some other threads in this section of the community.

We also offer a free bereavement counselling service (via video) which you might find helpful. You can read more information about this service in the post pinned to the very top on the community home page.

best wishes

Hi, I’m sorry to hear that you lost your son. My daughter died 20 months ago, she was 35, and although I feel so much better than I did this time last year I still can’t find the energy or the enthusiasm to enjoy life fully again. Most days I would class as good days, but I still feel like I’m just ticking over, living in a bit of a fog, like part of me is missing. I was hoping that would pass in time and my mind would feel sharp again.

How old was your son when he died? Do you have good support from your family? Do you have any other children? Being part of this community is such a big help because we all know the awful emptiness that losing a loved one brings and how hard it can be adjusting to the new ‘normal’ that’s been forced on us. I find it helps to talk about it and to read what others are going through, especially those who’ve also lost a child. Everyone on here cares so keep posting. Best wishes, Kathy

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My son died on the 17 August 2015 and I’m feeling particularly unsettled and anxious at the moment. I feel restless a lot of the time anyway but it’s worse right now. I know I won’t ever get over it. I think we just have to keep trying to keep going, to enjoy life as much as we can , for our sakes and especially for our loved ones , in my case , my other son, who is almost 23 and is just about to start his first post graduation job. I lost my own dad when I was 17, the same age as Nick was when he died and it’s only now that I realise how much children need their parents when they emerge from being teenagers and into early adulthood , and that is quite possibly the one single thing that has stopped me giving up .i completely relate to and empathise with the way you have said you feel and hope that we can all find a way to muddle through somehow .

Hi I’m June and new to the forum. I lost my daughter 4 months ago, I managed to cope for 3 but then just crashed. I have a husband and son. Also my daughter has a 4year old who I have been involved with from day 1. But to se her now because she is my daughter in miniature makes me worse which seems so bizarre. My husband gets great comfort from seeing her but I just dissolve. I’m so numb sadness and fear/anxiety seem to be the only emotions I feel.

I would so like to hear how you other folk cope with your day to day life.

I’ve started bereavement counselling and have been told that I still seem to be in shock, I can spend half a day in tears.

Hi June, I lost my daughter, aged 35, to suicide 20 months ago. The first few months I was numb, on auto pilot, then I picked up a virus, my body went into meltdown and the grief really kicked in. I was sick of life but scared of death, started to have anxiety attacks, couldn’t summon the energy to do anything I used to enjoy, couldn’t sleep through the night despite being exhausted but felt I needed to doze all the time between jobs during the day. Gradually I started to sleep more at night, and after a while have more good days than bad. I still have a doze most afternoons but since I started to rest if I need to rather than plod on because that’s what I’ve always done, I do have more energy. I would describe myself as in the ‘can’t be bothered’ stage now, but it’s a much better place than I was in this time last year.

People used to say take one day at a time, but when I woke I would to panic at all the sad, empty hours ahead so I coped by splitting each day into small sections, e.g. getting out of bed to washing the breakfast dishes, morning coffee to lunchtime etc, and that way I could manage without falling apart. Like you I have a supportive husband who was also grieving, and another daughter and son, but grief is a very lonely place despite that and you need to work through it in your own way and in your own time. We’re all different. They say time is the greatest healer, and after a while you learn to cope and the raw edges are at least numbed as you adjust to the new normal.

I would say listen to your body, eat properly, be kind to yourself and accept all the help and support you’re offered and it will get more bearable. I can understand how you feel about seeing your granddaughter, being the image of her Mum, it must be a constant reminder of your loss but hopefully in time you’ll see her as your husband does and it will bring you comfort. I find sharing on here helps too. Sending you warmest wishes, Kathy

Hi Kathy
Thank you so much for replying so quickly.

How so very tragic to lose your daughter in that way my heart really goes out to you and your family.

Your advice for coping is what I try to do , as someone said to me today it will still be there tomorrow. Mornings are the worst I agree and I too throw myself out of bed shortly after my husband goes to work at 7-30am, we have always be out of bed by 6am as my daughter and I had horses, I still have mine but a friend looks after him for me at the moment as meeting a lot of people is too much of a challenge.Sadly we also had to have my daughters horse put to sleep 3 weeks ago… well at least they are together again.

Verity was in hospital for only a week and died of a brain aneurism from a rare virus , the hospital couldn’t have done anymore. I was with her when she died, those last moments will be with me for the rest of my life.

I have always “ buried”; my feelings , a legacy of loosing my parents at 14 and 15 also a grandmother the year before. That of course had to come out years later as a major breakdown. So I was not going to do the same this time around.

I have also started to except help from friends , and this forum I was hoping to help which your reply has given me.

I did have a moment today (where I wasn’t crying my tears out ) that a stared at Verity’s picture and for a nanosecond felt a glimmer. There’s hope.

Thank you again for your advice, warmest best wishes. JUNE.

What a lovely selfless attitude you have, June, to see the death of your daughter’s horse as their gain rather than your loss, especially after all the grief life has thrown at you already. You must sometimes wonder if it will ever end, but I hope having your husband, son and grand daughter to help you through will be some comfort.

I have to drag myself out of bed each morning, albeit later than I used to, to feed and care for our four legged friends, except in our case they are donkeys not horses, but they give me another reason to keep going. And like you I struggle even now if there’s a lot of people. I even feel uncomfortable in a busy coffee shop yet I used to be very confident and outgoing. But I am slowly getting better in that respect. Don’t force yourself until you’re comfortable with it, which you will be again in time. I accepted a lunch invitation from some kind friends far too early, just because I felt I ought to, and I was exhausted for the next couple of days, and felt really weird, like my body was there but the rest of me wasn’t, all the time I was with them!

It must have been such a shock to lose Verity so quickly and so unexpectedly, I’m so sorry. Although suicide brings a host of other emotions with it at least I know that Heidi chose her moment and planned it down to the last detail. Mental illness is such a difficult thing to comprehend but she’s at peace now. I can look at her photo again and smile. We’ve decided as a family that none of us is going to die, we’re just going to find Heidi, daft but it keeps her close in a positive way.

There is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m sure one day we’ll be back in the daylight even though the world will always look a bit different - so keep plodding on at you own pace and keep sharing on here if it helps. Take care, Kathy x

I am in a similar situation. Depression is always there but I tho k you learn just to some how cope with it all. People may comment on how string you are…it’s called coping and I think we all develop our own copi g mechanisms. Talking about him will help it may open wounds but it validates his life. I hope things get better for you xxx

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My son Nick died suddenly 3 years ago, in August 2015. He was 17 . I miss him so much and I think about him all of the time . Ive learned to control the grief over time . I can live with it , I think , although I still get times when I don’t want to go on , and just want to be with him, but I won’t , because I’ve got another son, James , whose 23 and he needs me and we love each other very much . Keeping my mind busy is key to staying sane , my concentration span these days is very small, and it’s pretty exhausting , but I don’t have a choice so I must make the effort . I’m still more or less here . I think that is the only way to handle it . It’ll never go away , the grief , I’m sure about that .But I feel I owe it to Nick not to give up and I have an obligation of love and responsibility to James so I’m just going to keep going as long as I can.

Hi… everyone. My heart goes out to you all. I relate to many of the things you are saying . Sending hugs. I would like to ask did anyone get help from their GP. I feel I am losing my battle with grief. Nothing feels real . My daughter’s battle with cancer has taken over my mind. I feel so empty. 20 months have passed . Nothing seems important any more. Love to you all xxx

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