When does the pain go away

I lost my husband just over a month ago. It feels so surreal as if it’s not happened and he will walk in the room any minute. He suffered with cancer for over 3 years, the last 6 months being brutal. I watched as he went from a strapping active man to a weak shadow hardly able to carry his own weight. I would give anything to have him back. We were married just weeks short of 51 years and the thought of going on without him frightens me so much. He didn’t deserve to suffer the way he did. Friends and family have been brilliant but they have their lives to lead and life goes on. I know it’s early days and time is a healer but it doesn’t feel like I will ever get over this awful ache in my heart.

Pomilu,
my wonderful partner died nearly nine months ago and, like you, I would give anything to have him back here with me but know that can never be and have to accept it.
It is so very soon for you but I think many of us might say we felt the same way, initially frightened about the future, apprehensive as to how we will cope.
The pain and loss will never leave me, but it does seem to get a little easier as the weeks pass by .
You still have the good memories of when your husband was strong and healthy but at the moment take time to grieve, rant, weep, shout, whatever gets you through these early days.
If you just want to talk there is always someone on here who knows what your going through and who will listen with empathy.
Love to you.

12remember, thanks for your response. Like me you are a recent widow that is coming to terms with being alone. You think you will grow old together and do things in your retirement commitments and family prevented. We were just enjoying our time together when cancer reared it’s ugly head and urban end to our future. I feel bitter and angry that he was taken so early, he had so many plans for us. I see couples who are not happy together just bowling along and I feel like screaming at them to make the most of there time together because all too soon it could disappear.

Pomilu
My partner was diagnosed with dementia which became progressively worse over time.
We went on days out, hand in hand, as I tried to keep him occupied and interested in things.
Now I see couples and am not bitter but envious of their comfortable partnerships as they walk and smile together.
Then there are some couples bickering and, like you, think there may come a time when they regret those wasted moments.
I want to stand and shout you don’t realise what you had until it’s too late, make the most of every moment!

My wife also had dementia. It’s an awful business and one I would not want anyone to go through. I try not to dwell on it.
Yes, I too look at couples hand in hand, young and old and say to myself ‘love one another, be kind to each other with compassion and understanding, because you never know what will happen’. But hindsight is all very well. When alive and happy how can we think like that?
Planning ahead then having our plans shattered by events is heart breaking. So many seem to go through this awful trauma.
You are in the right place because everyone here knows and cares.
Take care. Blessings.

You are in the early days and as you say everything is so surreal. I too watched my husband become so weak that he couldn’t do anything for himself, I watched his frustration and fear. So I know exactly how you feel. Like you I keep asking myself why a good kind man had to suffer so and as a result my faith died with him when I had prayed so hard If God wanted my Brian why wasn’t he taken earlier. Fortunately my faith is returning now as I was told that even Jesus lost his faith when he was on the cross.
I was told time would heal but I am still waiting but I am seeing that light from time to time. Something that you must keep looking for. I know that I will have to live with my grief but learn to accept it as part of my life now and one day those wonderful memories will bring me joy. I will smile more, find joy in things again, I will accept the life I now have and do the best I can with it. I will also grieve forever, which is the price we pay for loving.
My heart goes out to you and you are among people that understand.

Yes Pat. I have always found the symbolism of the Crucifixion inspiring. ‘Lord, Lord why hast thou forsaken me?’ Even He lost hope. But turning to the two thieves who were crucified beside Him He said ‘Today thou shalt be with me in paradise’. In other words all is forgiven. There was a purpose in His suffering just as I believe there is a purpose in ours.
In giving forgiveness we are forgiven. In giving love we are loved. No one can ever take that from us.
Christ also said ‘Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do’. People who make hurtful remarks or are unkind need to be forgiven. Not the deed. We all have to be responsible for our actions, but the person themselves.
Some people find this difficult I know. They hang on to grievances and won’t let go. It eats into them and makes them bitter.
There is no explanation to the question ‘why the suffering’. We will know one day for sure. In the meantime its what we are stuck with and have to do the best we can for ourselves and others. Blessings.

Thankyou Jonathan, I should have remembered those bible quotes but it took a woman in a local church to remind me of them.
I have always been one of those people that have found it hard to forgive and you are quite right when you say it eats into you.
We know a particularly spiteful woman, almost dangerous, what get’s into her head to say the things she does is beyond me. But she is elderly, alone and in poor health and I have managed lately to talk to her pleasantly when I kept well away previously. She still says untrue things about people, my husband and I included. How I have wanted to ‘have a go’ at her, how dare she say these things, but managing to let it go. As hard it might be. My husband was an incredibly kind person and was always trying to help her even though he knew her failings. She was still unkind to him on occasions and I wondered how he could be bothered with her. I am trying to forgive her.

Pat xx

Yes Pat. 'To err is human, to forgive divine. ‘How many times should I forgive Lord, seven times’? ‘No, seventy times seven’ was the answer.
Forgiveness, like real love, has to be total or it’s worth nothing. The old lady to which you refer is no doubt in psychological pain. She doesn’t know what she is saying and is no doubt bitter. Forgiving such a person is not easy.
But above all we must try and forgive ourselves. ‘Do unto others as you would do unto yourself’. If you don’t forgive yourself for whatever faults you may have or things you may have done, how can you forgive others?
I gave up getting angry a while ago. It serves no useful purpose and only upsets us all the more, and God knows we have enough emotional problems to deal with!
Good to talk to you again Pat. XX

I lost my dearest husband just about a year ago in a road accident that I saw happen… His car was hit by a huge lorry. . Nothing and no one could have saved him… It was instant…We had been married for 51years and 11 days.
I can’t tell you what it did to me.
Like you I have been expecting him to come home , every little noise made me think
he had arrived. It took to the first anniversary of his death to realise he wasn’t coming back…It seems so silly as I visit his grave often and with all that’s happened I know its not possible.
Then there’s the small panic attacks. .Not for any particular reason other than knowing I will never see him or give him a cuddle again .
These panic attacks go as quickly as they come.
I used to feel I could never cope without him, but have been surprised that I have handled everything thrown at me so far… I also think my dearest love would have been proud of me.
My family is very small and well spread, and we were both only children , so coping with lonelyness has been not been easy.
We live in a small hamlet and never really mixed. I am having to go on solo
trips and mini holidays just for company. Have tried various groups. No can do…
After a year there is a very feint light ahead …I don’t cry so much , although the tears have rolled writing this.

I lost my dearest husband just about a year ago in a road accident that I saw happen… His car was hit by a huge lorry. . Nothing and no one could have saved him… It was instant…We had been married for 51years and 11 days.
I can’t tell you what it did to me.
Like you I have been expecting him to come home , every little noise made me think
he had arrived. It took to the first anniversary of his death to realise he wasn’t coming back…It seems so silly as I visit his grave often and with all that’s happened I know its not possible.
Then there’s the small panic attacks. .Not for any particular reason other than knowing I will never see him or give him a cuddle again .
These panic attacks go as quickly as they come.
I used to feel I could never cope without him, but have been surprised that I have handled everything thrown at me so far… I also think my dearest love would have been proud of me.
My family is very small and well spread, and we were both only children , so coping with lonelyness has been not been easy.
We live in a small hamlet and never really mixed. I am having to go on solo
trips and mini holidays just for company. Have tried various groups. No can do…
After a year there is a very feint light ahead …I don’t cry so much , although the tears have rolled writing this.
Bed wishes for the future.
Jo

That should say …Best wishes for the future.

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