Hi there V, yes it is awful but I wonder if I was the most thoughtful person when anyone passed away in our family, so perhaps I deserved their treatment. I wrote them many letters requesting that we grieved for their dad together and as they were his daughters I would like to know how they was getting on. I did emphasise that I had no intention of being a burden to them or being needy. However they hadn’t bothered with their father for some time although they live locally and he didn’t want them to visit him in his last days which I felt very sad about. I did apologise to them about this but told them it was their father’s wish and I had to obey it. On the day he died I had decided to contact them but he died in the early hours so I was too late. I have no idea if they hold this against me as they won’t reply to me. I also found paperwork and photographs in the loft regarding them and their father and mother and felt that they should decide what was to happen to them but they wouldn’t come and collect, again no reply to my letter, so I offered to leave them on my doorstep otherwise I would burn the lot. This time it was collected but I never saw anyone. How childish.
Pat xx
Sheila, the second time today that you have me me laugh. It reminded me though of days with Brian. He hated change and when the weather was bad I was like a caged animal as I like being outdoors (Walking or gardening on my allotments) Brian dreaded these days as I would start to tidy out cupboards and then he couldn’t find anything. He was usually pretty easy going but I know he wasn’t happy with me when I started throwing things around in my attempt to tidy things.
Pat xxx
No you don’t deserve their treatment they sound selfish and spoiled (just like my two) the fact they didn’t acknowledge your correspondence is just downright rude. Imagine collecting the items and not even knocking on the door to say thank you. Colin was like your husband and didn’t want them informed that he was not feeling well and we were going to tell them after the hospital tests had found out what was actually wrong unfortunately he took the heart attack out of the blue and it was all over. Obviously it was a terrible shock to us all but they started with the incriminations 
they should have been told he was ill blah blah blah. Like you I was going along with their Dads wishes so pretty much damned if we do or damned if we don’t. Colin’s sister and brother whom I have a great relationship with have both said that when his first wife left he brought the girls up on his own and over compensated for them having no mum by spoiling them and it ended up biting us on the bum. Ah well what’s done is done and they are no loss. I feel that you should at least have been given an explanation as to the behaviour of your lot but they will need you before you need them. I need no explanation due to the fact when they arrived after Colin had passed they stressed me out so much I told them to pack and go. I was hanging on by my finger nails and they start sniping at eachother 
not happening in my home anymore. They also will be well p****d off that there will be no inheritance for them now especially the elder as she’s a money grabbing 
Ah well …tough. Oooh it’s been good to vent 
V xx
It certainly is V. Our situation is very similar or at least Brian’s was. Brian and his first wife parted and she remarried but died suddenly and before Brian could get to his daughters Social services had moved in and wouldn’t let him have custody because he lived in a one bed roomed flat. He fought through the courts and purchased this house so that he would have enough room. He did everything he could for his daughters but they always played the ‘poor little us’ game, reminding everyone that their mother had died while they was still young. And I felt putting some blame on their father. Perhaps I’m wrong. Sad as it is they are in their forties now. So as some would say “Get over yourselves”. When I found the paperwork in the loft it was locked in a case and all the court case and the way their father fought for them was there in black and white. I never knew how much he went through for them. I felt they should see this so that they knew what had really happened as their father was a very private person. I hope it put some of it to rest.
It took them three days to come to see me after Brian died and I tried my best to include them but I can’t remember much of that time, I was worn out I had been caring for him single handed and had very little sleep for a long time. Like you clinging on. In my last letter to them I did ask where they had been when their father had needed the love and support of his family, as they had never picked up the phone to enquire after him. Yes good riddance.
Pat xxxx
That is so sad Pat, the fact Brian fought so hard for his girls and did everything for their benefit then to be disregarded in such a horrible way is disgusting. I would like to think they have a conscience and are taking a think to themselves but I doubt it as it seems to be all about them
Xx
Hi Everyone
I started this topic because I hoped it would help people to find a reason to live after losing a loved one. Most of the recent posts have filled me, and I’m sure others, with dismay.
They are more akin to reasons to give up, in many sentences ! Most families want to help somebody that they love. Sadme
I certainly don’t think my family (or rather Brian’s) has made me want to give up in fact as I have written previously they made me more determined because I never expected their reaction to either me or their lovely father. I am determined to show them (that’s if I ever bother to see them again) that I have coped well without them and will continue to do so and my life is not over yet. Thanks, I now acknowledge that I wasn’t loved by them but their lovely, kind father should have had more respect and that is what bugs me.
xxxx
Sadme, I am quite surprised that two women comparing stories about their step daughter’s filled you with ‘dismay’ as no way was that ever intended. At no time did we ever mention giving up, quite the contrary. Your last sentence ‘most families want to help somebody that they love’ has just confirmed that they didn’t love us so thanks for that 
The topic was intended to be "short reasons to live " but the content of recent posts , not just Mrs Colt and Pattidots who replied to me, were all about complicated family problems.
I didn’t say they made YOU want to give up I said they filled ME with dismay. I think most people would be dismayed at families falling out at such a sad time, wouldn’t they?
The comment I made " most families want to help somebody they love " is a simple statement of fact, most families do try to help even if they don’t know how to. Sadme
I never fell out with his family, they decided to cut me off. I was so upset and made every attempt to make contact with nothing but friendship and support on offer. Now I know that they helped me to be strong and that I don’t need them to live my life. Sorry we have dismayed you. Hope this is short enough.
I think a lot of posts go off tangent and digress as people chat and open up to each other which I think is lovely because people’s grief can also be tied up in lots of complicated family problems. This post has gone off tangent but so what!!! Let people talk
Sheila you made me laugh when you said that " they are neither use or ornament "
You are so right with what you said - however so often at this forum we can see unkind behaviour by the kids but the mums feel so powerless and trapped.
Why? Why are mums unable to take action? And why are the kids so selfish and and dependent?
Just wished I could understand better
Sadie
Hi Pat
I find such an inspiration your strength!
Have you made a new will?
Sadie x
Dear daisy Janet, I’m sorry you feel so alone…I too am having to sell our camper van , it represents a lot of the great times we shared and I found it very hard to put on the market. I spent all day crying for my loss last Sunday when I listed it for sale…I know you will be feeling the same loss at having to sell yours…it’s not the van, it’s what it represents isn’t it. I feel these things make it feel like another degree of separation…I too feel bereft, but I am trying to forge ahead and to keep my head up for his sake. My husband lived life with such passion…I have to live my life, at the moment it’s terribly hard to keep going every day, but I know if I do, there will come a time when I will feel some happiness again…life will never ever be the same, but I may find a different happiness. I have to trust in that. I send you love, and hope you can keep going. Little steps will rebuild us x
Dear diverliz my motorhome is in storage, but every time i go to pay the rent on it i get saddened as it is in need of some tlc. A really good clean as it is now starting to go green. Alan would make such a good job of doing it. He would spend all day on it. You wouldn’t think i had 3 sons and 5 grandsons who are capable of doing it but none of them want to know. We had 10 wonderful years with that particular motor home and you get to see so many little towns and villages in this country that you wouldn’t normally get to see ordinarily. I used to write a journal everywhere we went. Alan said mrs dales diary is at it again. I wrote it thinking that one day may be my sons would be interested in reading of our little adventures as i often think i wish i had known more about my mums life as she died when i was 23. But the way all 3 of them have been leaves me in no doubt that won’t be the case. They are just so selfish. There are rogue genes in my family, alcohol being one and selfishness another. My sister and niece, are both alcoholics. My 2 sons and grandsons who are old enough can’t leave it alone. It ruined my dads life and my 2 brothers can’t live without it. My youngest son is ok until he goes in a pub, which isn’t very often these days, but once he does he’s the last one out. Selfishness seems to run through my sons and my sisters son and daughter. Her son last saw his mum 6 years ago when his dad died and he said right i’m going now mum and i’m never coming back. She hasn’t seen him from that day to this. At least when my van sells i won’t have to watch it go or the car because thats at my youngest sons house on the drive and he doesn’t want me to visit him anymore. I put the van up for sale last year but it didn’t sell. Had it on gumtree, motorhome madness and autotrader. Put it back on autotrader now. My grief is made worse by my uncaring and unhelpful sons. Alan loved life and didn’t retire until he was 72 and was a very fit man until his last few months of life, when he passed away at 77. Good luck with your venture and hope you do well with your new business. May you find peace in your life. Love janet xxx
Dear Janet
A very big hug !!
I feel so sorry for your heart ache
Sadie xx
Hi Sheila, that is awful what your son said to you. I would take him out of my will or leave him only a token amount. Such selfish behaviour deserves no reward.
Regarding our grandparents I so wish I had talked to them and found out more about their past, it is one thing I desperately regret. My grandfather served in the army in the first and second world wars, one he was too young and the other too old but he volunteered and survived both wars. I have thought about trying to search but he has a very common name and I have no one I can ask now for further information, all gone. It is a big regret of mine.
Love and take care of yourself.
Pat
Pat - have you tried to contact the army ? With his date of birth and where he was born you maybe able to find him
Sadie x
Thanks Sadie but you know I can’t remember his date of birth as he died in the sixties and it’s completely gone out of my head. I realise now how little I knew about his past, yet I lived with my grandparents for many years and was very close. It just shows how we take them for granted. He was a real tough guy and not one that many people would argue with. I remember my Nan (who was only 4’ 10" to him being over 6’) saying to me that it was a wonder that Hitler didn’t surrender straight away when he saw my grandfather appearing. All information about him has long since gone in the family, it’s so sad. I’m not even sure of his town of birth although I know it was the midlands. Might be something worth trying though.
Thanks xx
Pat, when we are young we are so busy growing up and learning new things that we don’t see our parents and grandparents as people - they are just there!!
When I was about 4 I couldn’t believe that my dad had been a baby!!
Even without his date of birth you might be able to find him - do you know where he was born?
Sadie x