When family aren't there for you

Dear sadme i am with you on this one. Every night i go to bed i hope i won’t wake up. I HATE the life i now lead. Done the counselling but i’ve now had my 6 sessions so even though my mood and anxiety problems are worse now than when i started i can’t have anymore there. I can self refer in 6 months time if i still need to. Even the samaritans i phoned up one day dismissed me after 2 hours saying i think we’ll take a break now. I think people don’t understand when you say you’re family aren’t there for you. When i say they’re not there THEY’RE NOT THERE. It makes the grieving twice as hard knowing you have family but THEY’RE NOT THERE. My life with alan was so full before on our trips out on the 4 days i didn’t work. Or in our motorhome in holidays. We were never in. We enjoyed each others company therefore didn’t require or want friends. Its like you say. People try to get you to do this or that. Get a pet. No thanks i am not a pet person. Join the knit and natter group. Go to bingo. I have always been a quiet shy person but regardless of that i woyldn’t

Sorry pressed wrong button.

Want to be doing something i never had any interest in anyway. I am typing this as i lie in bed at 11.15 am hence the postings before i finished. How can anyone know what is right for you when we are all different. The people i should be able to turn to aren’t there for me. So why should anyone else want to be. The samaritans the counsellors when they’ve had enough they cast you off. The only reason i’m still here is because i don’t have the bottle to do anything about it. Who knows though, maybe i will get pushed over the edge enough one day to actually end this miserable life without my loved one by my side. I dread each morning when i wake up with anxious thoughts, shaking and stomach churning. There doesn’t seem to be many like us on this forum. Take care. Love janet xxx

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Janet - I send you a hug
Mourning and depression are different things - and I think that you are not only mourning Alan, the life you had but you might also be very depressed
Have you spoken to your doctor?
Sending you love
Sadie

Sadie thank you for your hug. It is depression but I haven’t been to doctors. I get tired of going over and over the things that’s happened in my life other than the biggest thing of all. That was losing Alan. I not only feel depressed and anxious but lonely and drained. A doctor will just pass you over to someone else for a while or give you medication. Thanks for listening and caring. Janet xxx

Janet sometimes medication is not bad. It may help you
sadie x

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Hi Janet, I am so sorry that you feel the way you do. My heart goes out to you. Please don’t think that you are being dismissed by the Samaritans and counsellors. They are volunteers trying their best while thin an the ground. Perhaps the person at the Samaritans thought that two hours was enough for you to cope with, or perhaps they needed a break or it was time for them to go home. There’s nothing to stop you calling them another day and perhaps cut your talk down by half, there are always other days. If you think you need further counselling and it will help then self refer in six months time.
Have you taken your son’s to one side and explained how you are feeling and their selfish behaviour towards you isn’t helping.
People are not trying to get you to do this or that, they are trying to help you. Trying to get you to do something that might interest you and give you an interest. I know it can be annoying if there is nothing that you fancy or feel inclined to be bothered with but sometimes we have to push ourselves. I am mixing with people that I would never have wanted to bother with as I thought my life was full when it was with Brian but I know that if I don’t push myself that extra mile then I am not going to make any headway in finding some acceptance with my life as it is now. It might only be a temporary diversion who knows. No I wouldn’t entertain knit and natter and hate bingo but it’s a shame you are not a pet person because without a doubt dogs (and cats for some people) are so loving and have saved many of us. Don’t give up Janet.
You had an interest in antiques I believe with your husband, can you not find something in this line. Something you know about, are there no auctions nearby, just for the fun of going. It sounds a fascinating interest. Pity we don’t live near to each other. I love antiques as well as auctions.
I also feel that you need further help and perhaps a GP could refer you to further counselling with the NHS. If you fear medication (as I would) then explain your concerns.
Take care of yourself Pat xxx

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Hear hear Pat
You are so wise and compassionate
Sending you love
Sadie xx

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Hi Pat The lady at Samaritans seemed very nice but was just cut short very abruptly. Everything seems to have a time scale on it, which to me means if you can’t be listened to by anyone how are you going to overcome your anxieties. Seems like every time I try somewhere, the door gets shut in your face. It took a lot of courage for me to phone them to start with. As far as the counselling goes, I would have liked to carry on with it now not 6 months down the line. I wonder how many people have committed suicide in those 6 months waiting. Eldest son has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Next son lives with me, owes me a fortune, does nothing around the house. One minute he’s talking, then he’s not. Had a big row a few weeks ago and he called me lazy and all sorts of nasty things he said about me. He left me to make my own way to work and back home again at 8.30 at night. We stopped speaking. Then a couple of weeks later he apologised and said he shouldn’t have said what he did. Then a matter of days later when it was getting on for dinner time and he hadn’t moved out of the house, I said it will be £800 you owe me on Saturday and he hasn’t spoken since. My youngest son doesn’t want to be seen as taking sides in any of this.so is hard work to say anything to. He says he’s happy on his own and doesn’t want anything to do with any of us. I know what my interests are but have no one to share them with. No definitely not a pet person. Save them for people that are. Yes antiques and collectables are my passion but there are no auctions I can get to on public transport. Sorry its taken me a while to answer but I work weekends and I have been dealing with trying to sell my motorhome. That was mine and Alans other passion. Thank you for your kindness and concern. Janet xxx

Dear Janet, it is always complicated when the people closest to you behave in a unkind way
Were your 3 sons always like this?
Maybe the son that lives w you and is unpleasant should move away.
I think what it becomes very obvious is that we are alone
I have 4 kids - they are very supportive and very present in my life - however they have their lives and most of the time I am by myself - the decisions have to be yours etc etc -
I am so sorry you feel the way you do !
Sadie x

Dear Sadie My eldest son has been like he has for years. Always letting you down. Its his life style he leads why he’s like that. He has always appeared to have had a chip on his shoulder and a control freak to any woman he has had. The one who lives with me is also the life style he leads. I do think he suffers from narcisstic personality disorder but wouldn’t dare suggest that to him. I keep telling him it wasn’t supposed to be a permanent arrangement. I wouldn’t mind if he was any help or cheered me up, but his constant humming and other things he does just annoys me and even depresses me at times. I would love to have just one that supported me fully. My youngest one doesn’t reply most of the time when I text him, even though its in the evening when he will be at home with phone in hand on facebook or games. I have been thinking about writing my own eulogy to be read out in church when I die, which might make them think they wished they had been there for me more. Thank you Sadie for your kindness. Janet xx

Janet, you are been held hostage by your son’s
How to solve this I don’t ! I wished I could say something to help
Maybe go for some counselling , which may help you to deal with your family
Sending you a hug
Sadie x

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Hi sadie I noticed today my son has taken a bottle of Glemorangie (a liqueur whisky) which belonged to Alan, which he’s had for a few years. My point is he owes me money, he’s not talking to me and has nothing good to say about me. I was going to give the whisky to someone who has helped me trying to sell my motorhome. Being at the place where it is stored when anyone wants to view it. I said you could have asked instead of just helping yourself. So all hell broke loose yet again. Harping on about when he took me to leeds to catch a bus to scarborough because i had missed the bus which connected. I could have given him some money for fuel and all the rest of the stuff he keeps bringing up time and again. He said did i really want to lose another son. I said i didn’t even know i had you. I feel far better off with the one who has nothing to do with me than him living with me. I thought when i took him in i was doing him a favour, then he treats you like that. He makes it sound like i should be the one thanking him. He seems to think more about a woman he has met on tinder (a dating site) who he has only met about 3 times in 12 months, but he does everything she asks of him. Like how he dresses, he has grown a beard for her, had new teeth and now he has to put on some weight for her. Sorry for going on but all of this on top of my loss just makes life so unbearable. Janet xxx

Dear Janet,
Throw him out now, he is neither use nor ornament. You are better off without him, you do not need the stress, I think it is parent abuse, he knows you are on your own and is taking advantage, at least our sons don’t live with me and they are bad enough always on the take but I put a stop to that before I started being ill in November and because no-one came to visit me or see if I wanted anything I stopped helping them out and if they lived a million miles away from me I would not care because I hardly see them now and they only live a 15 minute drive from me. They never take me out, just come for a meal, spend two hours and they have then done their duty for another month and off they go leaving their pots and glasses behind them. I am happier when I don’t see them, when I know they are coming, I get stressed out.
I should have drowned them at birth.
Love
Sheila.x

You always make me laugh Sheila :joy:
X

Dear Mrs. Colt,

I say it as I think it, children are a blessing and if you are lucky they turn into decent human beings, our two have never given us any problems until Peter died, then they both got divorced, got in debt, bank of mum opened and now five years down the line, they are back on their feet with flashy large homes and cars and mum is no longer needed, but they still expect the bank of mum to pay for meals or tips after a meal. I am going to do what they do and say, I have no change. They do not carry cash around with them only credit cards so I pay for parking and tips and if the credit card machine has broken down, I pay for the meal as well, so now the bank of mum has closed, no more mrs nice guy, they can go and play on the flaming motorway.
Love
Sheila.x

:joy: Good for you Sheila there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. They are grown men and should be looking after you they way you looked after them all their lives. I just wish my Mum was still here to take out and treat. I have two step daughter’s who I have tolerated for years because I loved their Dad but since he passed I have decided to have no contact with them again as they brought nothing but stress and pressure into my life and I can be doing without that at the present. Only positive people in my life from now on :wink:
V xx

Good for you V, we deserve better than the treatment we get from our offspring or step offspring.
I think I have told you I have joined Slimming World, I wanted to get ‘ME’ back to what I was before Peter became ill 13 years ago, I let myself go as there wasn’t time for myself as I was Peter’s carer but now is the time to lose some weight and get my life back on track, Peter is no longer here and I cannot live the rest of my life wishing and hoping he was because he is not coming back, so until we meet again when it is my time to go, I will try and live my life the very best I can.
I have been going through all the cupboards in the house, lots and lots of things for Charity and lots for the tip then I can concentrate this summer on the garden and going off for days. Everything is spick and span now inside my home, going to get a new garage roof on in the summer and I have just spoken to a garden who is coming this afternoon to see what needs doing so he can add me to his books.
Now I have decided to stay put for the time being, I wanted to ensure that everything is tidy and in boxes so if I have to move at any time, it will be easier than sorting through a cupboard full of things I have forgotten about.
There was something to be said about the old term, Spring Cleaning, which my mum did every year, out with the old, and in with the new. I think it is something that does not happen in the modern world today.
Sheila.xxx

Sheila, I am impressed!
Good that you made decisions and I think I will follow your example and sort out and pack some stuff
Sadie x

You have inspired me Sheila with your clearing out so I did my kitchen yesterday and was mortified at the amount of old out of date things that I came across at the back of the cupboards :scream: felt ashamed at how much I had accumulated but that’s it done now thanks to you. I did my two big storage cupboards last year thankfully but will start on Colin’s ‘man cave’ when I am up to it. As you say they are not coming back so we need to let go of certain items.
I am sure you will be successful at Slimming world my sister lost quite a bit of weight with them. Colin and I ate out a lot so maybe now he has passed I will lose a bit weight :pig::pig:
Hope the gardener turned out to be a good guy :+1:
V xx