When Grief gets worse and worse.....

I lost my dad, who was the centre of my universe, to Covid-19 in April. He caught it in hospital, in being treated with something unrelated, we were not allowed to see him and he died alone, my dad, who gave us all so much love and was the best dad you could ever wish for, my dad, who hated being away from us, was all alone, nursed by staff who must have looked like space people in his final days, what a terrible way to end a special life, he wasn’t old, it wasn’t his time, just like so many other precious souls dying from this heinous virus. I could die with the sadness. My days are getting worse, I don’t see the point anymore, my life is ruined. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t function barely. I have a family, I love them, I do, but if someone came along and said to me I could be with my dad, I’d go in a shot!! It’s terrible to say that and he’d even tell me off, but I can’t even begin to imagine life being anything to enjoy again, I can’t see me ever recovering from this, I just want my dad more than anything x

It’s very early days for you I lost my husband in March my children feel worst now because it’s sinking in. My 2 are 26 and 24 I wish my son would open up more on his feelings take one day at a time look at all your good memories . Lockdown makes it worst I and my children were allowed to stay with Mick at hospital but because of Covid 19 I brought him home he only had days to live with cancer x Take care

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TCT, I’m so sorry for the lost of your Dad. I do understand how raw and painful it feels. I lost my Dad twenty years ago and my Mum suddenly last October.
When one loses a love one, not sleeping is pretty normal, but as the months go by you sleep should improve.
One of the thing my doctor said to me in the early days was that I really should remember to eat whilst grieving. The body goes through a lot of strain, so food is pretty important.
It will get better, but it will take time. Take care.

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I am so sorry for your loss TCT.

To not be with your Dad must break your heart all the time.

From what you’ve said, it would hurt him so much to see you like this, and for that reason try to honour him by taking better care of yourself.

Start small. Eat. Walk. Breathe.

If its suitable try something like Kalms, or speak to your GP. Asking for help right now is important. There are a lot of people who are hurting, but we are made to comfort one another.
If there are any practical things you can do to make yourself heal, try them.

Again, I am so sorry for you loss.

Dolly.

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Hello Kim5, I’m so sorry to hear you have lost your husband, please accept my sincere condolences. I do remember nice things about dad but my mind is just traumatised by the bad things and they keep playing round and round to me. We didn’t see my dad he was all alone, I wanted to go in but we were not allowed then, this will haunt me until I go xx Sending you hugs x

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Hello Daffy123, Thank you for your message, I’m sorry you’ve lost both mum and dad xx I try to eat what I fancy when I can but most of the time I feel like my tummy is full to the brim with bricks it’s a very heavy feeling, just horrible, make me feel nauseous x I have found that this week has been worse than ever and it will be 9 weeks since my dad left us this friday :cry: I hope in time, like you say, it will get better, sending you hugs xx

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Thank you so much Dolly, your message is so lovely xx The trauma is with me constantly I just can’t get it to go and the pain is unbearable, this week has been the worst so far, I still feel in denial, not seeing him hasn’t given me any closure. I feel guilty we couldn’t protect him from it, yet we did all we were told to, we shielded him the best we could, but he must have already had it when they sent him home abruptly from hospital. When he went in they put him in the respiratory ward, he didn’t have a condition anything to do with that, but it must have been the only bed available. He kept telling me they had corona patients in the next room and I said oh don’t be silly they will be completely separated somewhere else, but he was right. He had just started medication that made his immunity completely non existent, and didn’t stand a chance. I was so close to him and I can’t imagine life without him, nothing will ever be the same we did so much together, I can’t imagine ever smiling again. The last 3 months have been like living in a nightmare you can’t wake up from, when i do fall asleep from sheer exhaustion, it’s the only time the pain subsides a bit, it’s excruciating full time, my heart aches, my tummy aches, my whole body is tensed, I could never have imagined a feeling like this ever. :cry: My family are asking me to contact the GP too, I will, I promise xx

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TCT
We all feel guilty around there passing I know no words can comfort you right now about not able to be with your dad it was taken out of your hands this lockdown has a lot to answer to. Go see your GP. I am a nurse and feel so guilty I could not help my husband more but that was taken from me. Chat on here as much as you want x

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TCT,
I am so sorry for your loss and I can relate to your pain so so much!
That’s exactly how I feel about losing the best mum in the world- my mum, my kind, beautiful, resilient mum. Just want to be with her. I feel so darn alone, I just want my mum and if I could go to her I would too. The emptiness, the sorrow, the void - it’s all unbearable. It’s been 2 months and I just feel like I’m getting worse. All these people in the world, but the one person I’d do anything to be with isn’t here. I don’t know what to do, where to run, where to hide from this pain. I’m so lost.

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I think im going mad. I drive past mams care home and imagine she is still there waiting to hug me. It will be so upsetting when the home has visiting again as i longed for that day which now won’t come

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TCT so sorry to hear of your loss and to the others that have commented on this post. Losing a loved one is always so hard and to this horrible virus I just can’t imagine. My dad passed away 5 years ago this year. They say time is a healer and don’t get me wrong I don’t cry everyday anymore but I find myself always thinking of him each and everyday. I was 23 when he passed and had to organise and arrange his funeral and debts. I have came onto this support group as I know that I have never grieved properly. None of my family talk about him or have supported me during all of this. My mum actually said that she was shocked that I was upset that my dad had passed, which I can’t forgive. It is very hard. I’m hoping by expressing my emotions through this, hopefully I will find some peace

Hi Kim5, Apologies for the delayed reply I’ve been avoiding father’s day yesterday, so hard to bear :cry: Yes the lockdown and whole pandemic situation has made it so difficult but I can’t help but feel guilty not being there when he needed us the most, I would have gone, it would have been horrendous to go through but I would have been with him and he wouldn’t have been alone, it will haunt me forever that he was alone xx Sending you and your family many hugs during this such terrible time <3 x

Oh sanjab, I know exactly how you feel, I feel like I’m completely destroyed, they were there forever for us weren’t they, and gone when they should still be here, like you say the one person we need, want and do anything for…gone :cry: How on earth do we get up again after this, I feel like I’m living in a world I don’t know anymore xx Sending you huge Hugs xx

Hi Jeeny, I feel the same, think he’s still sat in hospital and will ring me at any moment like he always did for us to come and collect him, we would take him home to mum and the dogs would go bananas to see him again, but that will never come again and the pain is unbearable xx Sending you huge hugs xx

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Hello EP1, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, you lost him when you were so young, and I’m really sorry your family have not supported you or spoken about him through your grief, that must have been very hard for you to deal with. I have found this forum a lifeline to get through the days, you were amazing to be able to arrange the funeral and all the paperwork you’ve had, you should feel very proud of yourself. You do need to grieve though. I’ve been told the time will help to heal too, but I won’t ever get over the loss of my dad like this, the pain, it is off the scale, the last time I saw my dad we were laughing and joking in hospital in March when I took him some fresh clothes in, just before he came home to recover, yet they sent him home with the virus, no testing done then, very wrong because it was obviously in the hospital at that time, my mum caught it from him, I’m lucky I still have her. It’s been horrendous. I’m sad that you find yourself here, but express and share on here all you like, I find it helps to have contact with others going through a similar experience xx Huge hugs xx

Thankyou so much

Hi

I am new to this group. I have just read your heartbreaking post and am so sorry. Your lovely dad would not have wanted you to feel like this. He would want you to remember him with the love you hold so deeply, but at the same time, he would want you to carry on and try to find the joy in your own family and make memories with them. Sending you a big virtual hug xxx

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Thank you so much for your lovely reply Prettygreeneyes <3 I am plodding on, getting through the hours and the days, keeping busy is my go to therapy really - I have lots to do, with family, looking out for my mum who is on her own now, and my work xx I have had help from the doctor, to be fair everyone has been incredible, coming here helped me so much too. My wonderful and very philosophical mum keeps me going, when darkness comes, she shines a light for me, and when I know she’s in darkness too, she’s amazing xx I try to imagine what dad would say to me at the moment, and you’re right xx Thank you so much, hugest hugs back to you too xxxxx

Hi TCT
I completely understand how you feel. Since losing my Mum I have had many days were I have felt like I would do anything to have My Mum back and I don’t want to live without her. I have three young children and feel so guilty that I feel that way.
My Mum died suddenly in February. She was so well and full of life. Just woke up normally and went to the toilet and that was it. She was only 64.
I felt better yesterday and my sister and stepdad came round for her birthday yesterday in the garden. We all got through it, cried a little and even laughed so I am feeling hopeful that we will create our new normal. Xxx

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Hi Lisa2, I’m so relieved to know I’m not the only one who feels like this, I feel terrible for feeling like it, but I still do, my dad was my world and it has stopped, I feel like I’m carrying on just existing for everyone else really, it’s hard to explain, life will never be the same, yes we must get used to the new normal :cry: It’s so hard to accept when they’ve gone before their time, I feel completely robbed, it’s not right they should still be here shouldn’t they xx

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