When is the rite time to move on.

Losing a child
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Hi all,. A phrase you here quite a lot,
Time to move on. Or other variations. It’s time YOU moved on.

I,ve had this said to me once or twice. Or you have definitely heard it in conversations when someone is talking about somebody they know,. “It’s high time they moved on.”
So what is meant by that?. Just forget your dead child, it’s in the past , they don’t matter, you can’t bring them back.
My boy may not have mattered to others, but he certainly matters to me and he always will. If that means I have to loose all my friends or I have to move in different circles. I’m good with that, my son far outweighs those friendships.

At one time I would carry myself in a sheepish manner such was my pain and anguish. Loosing a child isn’t like loosing your house keys or forgetting where you parked your car. It’s a life changing trauma. It alters the rest of your life. If you haven’t lost a child it’s not like you don’t understand the off side rule but you can have it explained to you and then you go “aaarrhhh I get it”. Doesn’t work like that grieving for a child takes you all the way to the bottom. Everyday your brain is trying to rewire itself trying to understand all the things that’s happening to your body and mind. If you’ve ever seen the film. The imitation game". About the inigma code. Boffins have all day to try and figure out and solve 20 million morsecode messages and just as it gets to midnight and you think you are getting somewhere. The code goes back to zero and you have to start again. That’s what your brain is doing everyday trying to fathom and process the loss of your son/daughter. There is no “rite time” to move on. You have to go through what you have to go through and we are all different. Yes you can find distractions . Or you can build those walls up and keep a stiff upper lip. You can do all manner of things, but you can’t run away from the fact that you have lost the most precious thing you will ever have. You whole very existence is completely intertwined with your children. You made them, you nurtured them. You would fight Tigger’s for them without question. And yet here you are, just supposed to carry on without them almost as if them dying was just a bump in the road. I will carry my boy in my head and heart forever he was part of me and vice versa. Totally understand he meant little to other people or to strangers he might as well not existed at all. But he is a giant in my life and will carry on being so. The proudest 24 years of my life was when he was in it. It’s taken me a while to feel proud once more. Because you do loose yourself for a while. Grief can and does eat you up. It is very much all consuming. But you do reach a place when the good outweighs the bad. Ok I’m a bloke we don’t have feelings or cry. :thinking::roll_eyes:. I’ve cried enough to end the hosepipe ban believe me. But these days it’s only once in a blue moon. I suppose you could say I’ve moved on. But it’s not a conscious step you make, more of a transformation. I personally don’t think you can sidetrack grief and just be the person you were. You need to travel that road and and when you come out the other side. Then that’s the person you are.
Ok thanks for listening
Jim

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Quite honestly @Jim10, any human being who feels it’s OK to tell another, bereaved human being, that it’s time they “moved on”, needs to take a long, hard look at themselves and go and sit alone in a corner until they’ve learned some humanity and compassion.

You have to be someone with a very narrow view of life and no imagination whatsoever if you cannot grasp the concept that a bereaved parent will be traumatised on some level, for the rest of their lives.

It is not the natural order of things.

Parents are not meant to outlive their children.

But, as with all bereavements, we all have to learn to adapt to living in a world which no longer has our loved one in it, and each of us does this in our own way and at our own pace.

For what it’s worth, I very much doubt that your boy lived on this earth for 24 years and didn’t touch the hearts of any other people.
Take care.

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Wise words again Jim,

I haven’t lost a child but whoever is missing in our lives now leaves a huge pothole.
At the moment I don’t like the person I’ve become - but as I keep travelling the
road I hope it’s just a temporary “blip”.
People who still have their children/partners think they know how it is.
Those who suggest moving on should basically be told to do one.

G. X

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Morning Jim. Yes I’ve had it said to me and it’s only been 7 months since I lost my daughter I was gobsmacked how can you possibly move on so soon she was my flesh and blood I’m totally devastated and they say try and move on I was fuming I’m all on getting through a day at a time I know we are all different and some can move on forward but I’m struggling big time if I can get through each day without having an anxiety attack I’ve achieved something. People really should think before opening their mouths shellyanne XX :heavy_heart_exclamation:

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Thanks Jim
I have been reading your posts with interest and they are all helpful. There is no way you can contemplate losing a child. Three months ago I would have had no idea. I could be empathic and supportive but that’s all I would know. I too would have filled up the local ponds with tears. Crying although as upsetting as it is, is somehow the least of the trauma experience. The physical heart wrenching heartache, the sleepless nights, the agitation and restlessness, the deep deep deep sadness, the loneliness within, and the fear of the future without our child in it is the worst feeling of all. Their own life lost and the hopes and dreams they had as well all gone forever. Your brain is trying to fathom this and it can’t. I wish I could back in time and you could prevent the loss. Life is hard enough as it is without losing a child.

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Hi everyone hope you are all. As you know I’ve lost my 2 daughter s my oldest daughter basically told me to stop phoning her up crying she’s trying to move on I was absolutely horrified it’s only 7 months since she passed it crucifies me every morning I wake up wondering if the day will be any easier wondering if il make myself look a fool breaking down in the shops or in the street unless you have or are going through this why do people say you should move on but this is her sister and I just think it’s a bit callous or am I being a bit over sensitive I don’t think I am. Shellyanne

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