It’s strange, but my last post on here was almost a year ago exactly. Funny that.
I suppose I’m writing today because at the moment life feels particularly hard. Like the final push before I (hopefully) get some space and freedom.
My amazing, gorgeous dad died in Aug 21, and I will never be the same again. I’ve accepted that, it’s ok, I’ve grown a lot since then. But it doesn’t mean I still don’t desperately want for him when things get hard. After all, girls always need their dads.
He was the most wonderful, difficult, stubborn guy I’d known, but I would do anything to just go in for a cuddle today and to hold his hands in mine. He would tell me things were going to be ok. I would believe him because my dad was the one who looked out for us all and I trusted him.
Now he’s gone, I am the one looking after everyone. Maybe it’s just my personality type, that I’m an empath and I should learn to care less, I don’t know. But it’s very hard to make sure everyone is ok all the time.
There have been a few things at home and at work recently that have broken me down. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I just need someone to take care of me, I need someone to go to, like I could go to him.
I feel like I’ve tried to reach out to my siblings but their lives are so busy and they just don’t respond anymore. They don’t see me sad because I am the strong one.
I feel like they leave a lot of responsibility on me, to look after my mum and have all of my ducks in a row so they don’t have to worry about me.
I feel as if I have replaced my dad in the family and all I can think is “how on earth did he do this for so long?” Because it’s SO hard.
I miss him so much, I miss who he was to this family and I miss being a 20 something year old just navigating my own life as I should be.
I’m mad that I don’t have a life like my friends because I’m taking everyone’s problems on all the time and it weighs me down. Is this just adult life?
Most people will tell me to stop doing that, but I feel like I just attract everyone’s difficulties and negativity despite what I do. If I stay away then everyone thinks there’s something wrong with me. In the end it’s just easier to assume my role and put on my facade so everyone gets back to their places and I’m still the one struggling on my own.
My mum cries every night still for my dad. She looks so lonely and so unhappy and I try so hard to show her life can be good. It sucks the life out of me sometimes. And then I have to carry on with my own difficulties (that then share with no one)
I just wish my dad was here, because everything has changed since he died and sometimes it all just seems like we are pretending we are fine
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