When reality hits.

[Karen69]

Please forgive me as this is a long post, but I needed to get it all out or I don’t know what I would of done…

The reality of losing the one you love…
When reality hits it’s like being hit by a freight train…
The realisation that he’s really gone and won’t be coming home hits hard and fast when you least expect it.
The pain is unspeakable, the tears are continuous, the silence is frightening, the loneliness is terrifying, life is unbearable…

I’d give up everything to hold you one last time, To feel your arms wrapped around me, To tell you how much I love you, how much I need you and how much I miss you.

I’m sorry for yet another post. I just needed to let it out. So writing on here felt the easiest thing to do.

Today 18th December would have been Jason’s 51st Birthday. Another first without him.

On top of the pain of losing my beloved husband things just seem to be getting worse. Everything’s falling apart.

On Thursday 8th December my precious King Charles spaniel Ruby passed away. We’d had her for 17 years. My hubby surprised me with her for my birthday that year.

Then on Thursday 15th December my daughter had a bad day and came home in a really bad mood and started moaning at me. It turned into an argument for no reason. Then she said something that hit me hard. When Jason passed the undertakers came to collect him. Now Jason was a heavy man 20+ stone and I had informed the funeral parlour of this and when I called to say he’d passed I informed them of this so the undertakers knew all of this. When they got here I knew they wouldn’t be able to manage it on their own and said that to them but they said they could. While this was happening I requested all the children go to their rooms. Shannon refused and stayed downstairs. She was always a daddy’s girl. He was her hero. Well cut a long story short. The men couldn’t manage and nearly dropped him whilst transferring him from the bed to the trolley. Shannon saw this and jumped in to stop her dad falling and helped get him on the trolley. Then she had to help them out of the house and into their van. It was so undignified for my beloved husband. This is something no one should have to do or witness let alone his 22 year old daughter. It was horrendous. Well during the shouting Shannon was doing she let out an almighty scream at me and her words were “you didn’t have to hold my dead dads body to stop him falling” Those words totally broke me. She’s never spoken of that day since it happened. Even though she always talks about her dad. That has totally traumatised her and I am looking into getting her help and counselling. I never wanted her downstairs when all that was being done. Despite my disabilities I would of tried my hardest to do it myself. She hasn’t spoken to me since the 15th and that is breaking my already shattered heart. The guilt of her doing what she did and seeing her so traumatised is heart wrenching. I’m her mum, I’m supposed to protect her. But that day I couldn’t as she wouldn’t leave the room. The guilt is eating me away.

I’m feeling so lost, numb and empty. I just don’t know what to do.

Reality has hit me harder than ever. I know that my hubby Jason isn’t coming home. I’ve never let myself believe it before. I kept expecting him to walk back through the door. The pain really is unbearable, it feels like part of me has died too. My heart physically hurts. My children was so worried and got the doctor out because they thought I was having a heart attack. I told them it wasn’t that, but as I’ve had 2 heart attacks before they wasn’t taking the risk. The doctor reassured them and said it may sound odd but the pain in my heart is called broken heart syndrome. I’d never heard of it before but apparently it is a thing and that is what is wrong with me.

Christmas will be another first and I’m dreading it. I tried putting the tree and decorations up but really couldn’t do it. So to make an effort I decorated Jasons box and put his cracker in front of it. So that is all Christmassy and sparkly for him.
I’m not doing Christmas at home as I’m just not coping. My mum knows how I’m feeling as she felt the same when my dad passed away in November 2009. So she’s asked me and the children to go to hers and my nans house for Christmas Day. I said I’d rather be at home but the children would love to go. But she insisted that I go as well. So I’ve agreed to go. I’m totally dreading it but will make the effort for everyone.
Maybe next Christmas will be different who knows. But for now I’m taking it one step at a time. I can’t do anymore than that.

If any of you are feeling the same my heart goes out to you all and I hope and pray that everything goes as well as it can for you.

Thank you for reading my post and I’m so sorry it’s so long. I find it too hard to talk to the family as they are all going through enough and I find it easier to express my feelings this way on this forum. Sending love, big hugs and my heartfelt best wishes to you all xxx

[Alex]

Hi @Karen69 ,

Thank you so much for sharing this with the community I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.

Take good care,
Alex

[Vancouver]

Hello @Karen69,

I am sending you loads of love, my friend. What happened because of the undertaker’s approach to helping Jason has left a deep scar. When you are ready, perhaps you might want to share this with them so they listen to people in future and avoid this happening again.

I am going into my first Christmas, too. My husband died in January and last Christmas Eve he was in hospital and was treated very badly by an impatient nurse. He was dying at that point. Christmas Day, when I visited, he was asleep and spent the almost the whole visit sorting out the issue with the nurse the night before. So, this year, I am in a different place, a different country entirely. It will be difficult but, like you, I will be around people who care about me and who loved Tom, as your family care about you and loved Jason. My friend, please know you have a family here, too, who understand and who are with you in these difficult days. For now, you are doing well there. Take another step, and then another. Hold tight, we are all with you. x

[Solost]

Dear @Karen69, your heart-felt post just moved me so much that I instantly felt the need to reply to you. I’m also so sorry for the health problems you’ve been having. I understand exactly what you mean about the reality hitting us like a freight train. I don’t think I’ve been hit yet, I’m still lost in time. My mind has stood still since that November afternoon two years ago, when a sudden cardiac arrest took my husband away from me. I just cannot accept that I won’t ever see his beautiful face ever again. It was so sudden, unexpected, one minute he was there, the next he wasn’t. I relate also to how your daughter must be feeling after what she had to do. I also have two children in their twenties, and my daughter was the one who immediately tried CPR on her dad. I’ll never forget her screaming “Dad, Dad” at him, but with no response. I feel guilty too, that I should be comforting and supporting my son and daughter more than what I’m doing, but how can I? If I’m still stuck in denial, unable to come to terms with this, myself? We never talk about that day, I sometimes think maybe we should, than maybe not, it may make them feel even more upset.
We haven’t put the Christmas tree up ever since, still can’t, we don’t even discuss it, we can understand each other and that neither of us wish to see any decorations around the house. Like you, I am not at all ready to host anything at our house, but I finally accepted my FIL’s invitation for Christmas Day, noticing that my children wished to go.

Sending you lots of comfort and strength.
Take care of yourself.

[Rottweiler]

Hi Karen, I feel your pain. I lost my husband 4 weeks today, cardiac arrest, no symptoms, no warning. I keep replaying it in my head, washing his car one minute and the I am doing cpr the next. It’s like a dream. I miss him so much, he was my best friend. I am trying to cope day to day for the sake of my kids and grandkids. I have a network of family and friends, but I just want him. He was 53, we had been together 30 years. I just wanted more. Sending love to you Xxx

[Karen69]

@Alex
Thank you xx

[Beachgirl]

Hi Karen69
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I lost my husband Dec 12 2021. It was a sudden death no warning whatsoever. My son who was at home did CPR. Unfortunately he couldn’t be saved. My son has never spoken of that night and I worry that he is holding it in for my sake.
It’s a dreadful thing to have to go through and I really feel for your daughter. Like my son doing CPR it’s an image they will never forget, likewise for us also as we feel we should have protected them at this time. The first Christmas was a blur as I couldn’t take it in that he was gone. This Christmas is a little better, I’m not looking forward to it but the tree has gone up for my grandchildren who will be visiting on Boxing Day. If not for them Christmas would no longer exist for me.
I hope that in time your daughter will feel that she did what she had to however hard it was for her.
Unfortunately my one son lives over an hour away and he had his children staying with him that weekend so never had the chance to say goodbye as they are only 6 & 7. I know he feels it as he likes to watch music on u tube and a particular song was playing that he put on his Facebook page. It was about saying Goodbye to his Dad. I listened to the song and got upset as I know he was hurting.
Sorry for the long message but we are all here for each other.
Take care
Denise

[KarenF]

@Karen69
How difficult it all is for you. My heart goes out to you. The multiple traumas you have had are bound to take their toll.
I do hope the rift between you and your daughter will heal soon as you need each other I a sure.

Sending you my love. xxx

[BeckyC1]

Hello Karen, I have just read your post. Firstly I am so sorry for your situation. My heart feels your pain. Both for you loosing your partner. And your daughter who you obviously love so much. Life is so painful and unfair. The bit I find the worst is the person you entrusted your most deep inner thoughts is the one who’s gone. It’s agony x