Please forgive me as this is a long post, but I needed to get it all out or I don’t know what I would of done…
The reality of losing the one you love…
When reality hits it’s like being hit by a freight train…
The realisation that he’s really gone and won’t be coming home hits hard and fast when you least expect it.
The pain is unspeakable, the tears are continuous, the silence is frightening, the loneliness is terrifying, life is unbearable…
I’d give up everything to hold you one last time, To feel your arms wrapped around me, To tell you how much I love you, how much I need you and how much I miss you.
I’m sorry for yet another post. I just needed to let it out. So writing on here felt the easiest thing to do.
Today 18th December would have been Jason’s 51st Birthday. Another first without him.
On top of the pain of losing my beloved husband things just seem to be getting worse. Everything’s falling apart.
On Thursday 8th December my precious King Charles spaniel Ruby passed away. We’d had her for 17 years. My hubby surprised me with her for my birthday that year.
Then on Thursday 15th December my daughter had a bad day and came home in a really bad mood and started moaning at me. It turned into an argument for no reason. Then she said something that hit me hard. When Jason passed the undertakers came to collect him. Now Jason was a heavy man 20+ stone and I had informed the funeral parlour of this and when I called to say he’d passed I informed them of this so the undertakers knew all of this. When they got here I knew they wouldn’t be able to manage it on their own and said that to them but they said they could. While this was happening I requested all the children go to their rooms. Shannon refused and stayed downstairs. She was always a daddy’s girl. He was her hero. Well cut a long story short. The men couldn’t manage and nearly dropped him whilst transferring him from the bed to the trolley. Shannon saw this and jumped in to stop her dad falling and helped get him on the trolley. Then she had to help them out of the house and into their van. It was so undignified for my beloved husband. This is something no one should have to do or witness let alone his 22 year old daughter. It was horrendous. Well during the shouting Shannon was doing she let out an almighty scream at me and her words were “you didn’t have to hold my dead dads body to stop him falling” Those words totally broke me. She’s never spoken of that day since it happened. Even though she always talks about her dad. That has totally traumatised her and I am looking into getting her help and counselling. I never wanted her downstairs when all that was being done. Despite my disabilities I would of tried my hardest to do it myself. She hasn’t spoken to me since the 15th and that is breaking my already shattered heart. The guilt of her doing what she did and seeing her so traumatised is heart wrenching. I’m her mum, I’m supposed to protect her. But that day I couldn’t as she wouldn’t leave the room. The guilt is eating me away.
I’m feeling so lost, numb and empty. I just don’t know what to do.
Reality has hit me harder than ever. I know that my hubby Jason isn’t coming home. I’ve never let myself believe it before. I kept expecting him to walk back through the door. The pain really is unbearable, it feels like part of me has died too. My heart physically hurts. My children was so worried and got the doctor out because they thought I was having a heart attack. I told them it wasn’t that, but as I’ve had 2 heart attacks before they wasn’t taking the risk. The doctor reassured them and said it may sound odd but the pain in my heart is called broken heart syndrome. I’d never heard of it before but apparently it is a thing and that is what is wrong with me.
Christmas will be another first and I’m dreading it. I tried putting the tree and decorations up but really couldn’t do it. So to make an effort I decorated Jasons box and put his cracker in front of it. So that is all Christmassy and sparkly for him.
I’m not doing Christmas at home as I’m just not coping. My mum knows how I’m feeling as she felt the same when my dad passed away in November 2009. So she’s asked me and the children to go to hers and my nans house for Christmas Day. I said I’d rather be at home but the children would love to go. But she insisted that I go as well. So I’ve agreed to go. I’m totally dreading it but will make the effort for everyone.
Maybe next Christmas will be different who knows. But for now I’m taking it one step at a time. I can’t do anymore than that.
If any of you are feeling the same my heart goes out to you all and I hope and pray that everything goes as well as it can for you.
Thank you for reading my post and I’m so sorry it’s so long. I find it too hard to talk to the family as they are all going through enough and I find it easier to express my feelings this way on this forum. Sending love, big hugs and my heartfelt best wishes to you all xxx