It’s been 9 weeks since my husband died in his sleep. There are memories in every corner of the house, garden and garage.
I stay inside most days but without my husband the house feels like a prison.
I’m torn between wanting to stay near the memories but at the same time hating the pain they bring.
Is it just me?
@Lonelyplanet
I can identify with your feelings 100%.
Yes… exactly the same. We lived a beautiful and very happy life together for 20 blissful years. The reminders are everywhere… all over the house. The D.I.Y he did with so much love and attention to detail. His personal possessions… slippers are in the hallway, jacket on the coat stand, gloves, beanie hat, work bag, trainers on the shoe rack, headphones he listened to his playlist on his way to work every morning, his watch on the worktop. Everything is there, as it was left, before our lives were shattered by cancer. The chair he sat in at the dining table, when we discussed the day over dinner, after work. His place on the sofa he always sat in when we watched tv together. His vast array of gardening and diy tools are in the garage, along with his wellington boots, well worn gardening gloves and baseball cap. All the beautiful flowers, plants and trees he planted in our garden with so much care, that we selected together from the garden centre. He kept everything immaculate. Everywhere I look there are memories of what he’s touched and all the love, care and attention he put into our home, as well as all the stuff that was yet to be done, things we had planned to do in the future! It’s all very painful, because the house feels so empty now… souless without him. But at the same time I would never want to erase any of it. I want to hold him and everything associated with him very close to me forever, that probably includes the pain and the agony too. He put so much time and effort into everything he did. I will always appreciate and be thankful to him from the bottom of my heart for everything. I value him so much and everything he did for me, for us, and our home, he did it all with so much love, so much effort, care, commitment and devotion. I love him so much, with all my heart and soul. I always have, from the first minute we met, and I always will… for a million years, and for as long as the stars come out at night. Nothing can, or ever will change that. Love wins, not cancer 
On the 20th of this month it will be two years since I lost my wife to acute myeloid leukemia,she/we were given six to eight weeks and I lost her after six weeks.
During the early stages,maybe the first year,I couldn’t cope with being at home because like you and @HeartofGold the memories were everywhere,I simply couldn’t escape them and that absolute intense pain from crying at the thought,sight or particular memory.
I hoped that one day the painfull memories would become happy reminders of the years we shared but what has happened is that day to day they can be both. I am nowhere near where I would like to be because for example I sometimes feel stronger and think to myself maybe it’s time to take some of her clothes to a charity shop or where ever,the minute I open a wardrobe and see her clothes or her jewellery cabinet it destroys me and I know that I can’t do it.
Everything,every single thing,even the place that I sit on the seafront is a painfull reminder of the love that I lost and an equally painfull every day reminder of how different my life is.
In time your memories will,like mine,begin to change and create a happier feeling but it will take a long time and lots of pain and tears. It doesn’t matter where you are,in a library,supermarket,garden centre etc, suddenly a memory pops up and you cant’s stop the tears.
I’m a lot better in that I can be at home for longer but I still need to be outside away from the constant pain of memories,you/we cannot escape,all we can hope is that the memories will in time make us smile or feel less pain. You are sadly in the very early stages of a pretty horrendous journey, you may feel like your home is a prison at times but I think that if you left that prison you would leave an awfull lot of your husband there and maybe at some point wish that you hadn’t. I’m learning,still in the early stages even after two years almost that the pain of remembering the love we shared is part of our loss, we can’t escape it so we have to bear it.
Take care and be as strong as you can be,it’s going to be a long journey for both/all of us.
So sorry for your loss. My wife passed 13 weeks ago tomorrow morning, in my arms at home.
I still can not sit in the living room and watch TV because my wife had been using it as a bedroom for a few years. The TV is positioned exactly where she lay in a hospital bed.
So yes, for me this house is no longer a home.
You take care 
I do find that the home we shared provides comfort for me, feels like my safe place. Even though my husband passed away with us, nursed in the living room, the fact that he lived and died here is important to me. I can’t remove anything of his. His boots are in the hallway and dog walking hat and jumper on the radiator. It’s so hard when you have built your home up together over the years to think of changing anything. It was one year since my husband died last week and being where he was in our home was important to me and helped. It’s all so hard and difficult to navigate. Wishing everyone going through this love and strength x
Hi, Lonely planet,
I am bit of the same, 19 weeks tonight for me. We moved up to Northumberland nearly 8 years ago. Sue said this is the happiest she had been in her life the beaches she loved. Now the big but i see where she collapsed in the spare room and me giving her cpr. The medics working on her in the passage way. Sue being carried out on the stretcher. Then i can still see her smiling sat next to me.
So most of me wants to stay here,because i feel closer to her. Then again my family and friends live over 100 miles away and i have not seen them since Sue’s funeral in February. So i feel so alone as the phone calls are few and far between, but like i said i feel closer to Sue here. So i think i will be staying.
@HeartofGold @Sandie5 @Johnr @Nightwish1 @miker
Thank you all for making me feel less alone in this grief journey. I’m so sorry for your loss and the rollercoster of emotions you must also be feeling.
In time, I may look at his clothes, laptop, coffee mug etc and remember my love without bursting into tears…for now they are all I have of a person I loved deeply for the past 24 years.
Love and warmest of hugs to you all.
P.
Thank you all for saying exactly how i feel,my dear wife passed away in february aged 66.she had a rare blood condition.she passed away in the living room here with the paramedics doing cpr but sadly they could not restart her heart.it has broken me,mentally i feel exhausted.i have gone back to work but its a physically demanding job.come home shattered worn out.the house is so empty,quiet,but it was her home with me.i have photos of her i talkt to her too.i cant remove her clothes on our bed,her toothbrush,her belongings,i cant move them.she meant everything to me,i tell her i will always love her.it has helped that there are people on here that feel the same.the guilt hurts too,that i should have done more.why the doctors didnt do more for her.why i didnt pressure them to do so.so many ifs and what ifs,so much grief.i feel so helpless at times.just eating for the sake of eating.my wifes place at the table still there.thank you everyone on here,it is so much appreciated.
@brummy I’m so sorry for your loss. I also carry a lot of guilt about not doing more. This is all part of grief I’ve been told.
I can’t sit in the evenings any more because of the memories. What can we do? Just breathe and remember.
You are not alone 
Warmest of hugs.
thank you so much lonelyplanet.i dont think i will ever get over what happened.you are right in what to do just breath and remember.i have the football on in the background but not interested,i have lost interest in hobbies and interests.why is life so cruel and hard.?maybe we will know one day.Thank you so much for your support.Warmest of hugs to you too.Thank you
@brummy
I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely wife, and the pain you’re going through. I understand all the feelings you describe. The home you shared together feeling so empty and lonely now. Not having any interest in anything or being able to focus. It’s difficult when you don’t have family and friends to lean on. I have talked about everything you are feeling on my previous posts and replies. Even so, really and truly, it’s that one very special, unique person, whom you shared your love, life, home and time with for so many years, that you want. No one can compensate for that. I will never understand, accept or come to terms with what has happened. Our life, future, hopes and dreams have all been stolen from us and replaced with grief, sadness, loneliness and worry. Life is so cruel and none of it makes any sense to me. It’s the hardest thing in the world… for the person you love with all your heart and soul to just disappear off the face of the earth. I dont know how any of us are supposed to process that?
Heart of gold,
thank you for your lovely reply,you are so kind.i have only just joined the forum.lt has been so supporting,everyone so understanding and caring.i look for answers ask WHY?the nicest kindest,loving caring people are taken from our lives and we are left with emptiness,lonelyness,stress,worry,heartache,broken hearts that will never heal.My dear wife Dawn was my world,my everything,taken from me by some rare blood condition inherited from her great grandfather.thank you so much for your kindness and support
@brummy
I totally agree. It’s always the kindest, most loving, caring, loyal and gentle souls that suffer the most. WHY?? is the question we will never have the answer to. None of it is fair and none of it makes any sense. Somehow, we are expected to find a way of constructing some kind of existence for ourselves using our broken hearts, shattered lives and stolen dreams
I have asked myself many times,why bother carrying on as the future is nothing without my dear wife.i cannot bring myself to move anything of my wifes,the dining table is still set where she would sit,her space on the sofa still empty and forever will be.its just all so hard.i have visited her grave for her birthday in may and since too,just cried my eyes out and told her i loved her and wished she was still here,i blame myself for everything,i always will.Who did you lose?thank you for your support,your username is so true.
@brummy
My darling partner and soulmate sadly has a very rare cancer - bile duct cancer - he was a big, strapping 6ft 2in man, fit, healthy and active. There weren’t any significant symptoms really, nothing that would cause any alarm bells. He was diagnosed last September/October (57 years old) with stage 4 terminal bile duct cancer. He was so very positive and determined to beat and overcome the cancer and tried absolutely everything… immunotherapy/chemotherapy x2/radiotherapy… mri scans/ct scans/x-rays/blood transfusions. Believe me… my darling sweetheart has been taken to the gates of hell and back, without ever complaining about any of it. He is a true hero in every sense of the word. Devastatingly, nothing worked and there have been many, many setbacks, complications and hospitalisations every step of the way. Our beautiful life which we shared and loved just suddenly stopped and we were hurled into this horrific nightmare against our will. He has been so very unlucky with everything… as hard as he tried, everything was against him. I am heartbroken and devastated to say that he is now receiving end of life care in a hospice. It’s excrutiating and soul destroying to watch him go through what he’s going through, trapped in a body that no longer functions, completely bed bound, so very weak and staring at the same walls day in and day out, when he’s not sleeping due to all the heavy duty medication being pumped into him constantly. It’s total torture for him and for me. My beautiful, kind, loving soulmate of 20 years, who was full of life, is fading and I know that one day very soon, I will lose him altogether. We were joined at the hip and did everything together, happily and madly in love with each other and the life we shared. Now, all our dreams are shattered, plans destroyed, and I am filled with fear of a future to be lived without my soulmate and the love of my life. The pain is excruciating and I don’t know how I will cope in this cold and horrid world without the love of my life. He would have walked over broken glass for me, if he had to. I could rely and depend on him 100% and don’t know how I am suppose to carry on without him?
Hi, it is now six and a half years since I lost my husband Eddie, after almost 48 years of marriage. I turned to Sue Ryder maybe a year on since I lost him, because I just didn’t know what to do. I do think it helped me a lot, as so many people have been through the same thing. I spent many nights over the last few years reading about how we all survive, and how it is so difficult to survive.
I would give everything I have to have him back, but eventually I know that will not happen. My two (adult) children used to say ‘please mum, do something to help yourself, we feel like we have lost our mum as well as our dad’ but even that didn’t really resonate. Anyway, a few months ago, my son asked me to go to a computer class not far from me, and my sister said why not try it? Long story short I met a lovely genuine man (with no intention of meeting anyone ever again) . It is now 8 months ago since we met, and he is the loveliest person, who also lost his wife suddenly at the age of 52 (almost nine years ago), I will never feel the same about him as I did about Eddie, but my kids, grandkids and my best friend say he has brought me back to life. So, (and i can’t really believe I am saying this) life has to go on whichever way. I will be 72 at the end of this year. and although I didn’t ever think I would say this, I am going to try and live whatever life I have left. I went to see a spirit medium a couple of weeks ago, and she said your husband would want to be here, but he knows he can’t, but please live the life he would have wanted, and the man (John) in my life is kind and very good for me. I have always believed that my husband is watching over me (and he said as much himself just before he died). So, although anybody out there who is not believing they can feel differently, just maybe they can. God bless anyone going through all this, it is so very difficult xx
@HeartofGold so sorry that you and your lovely husband are going through this. Nothing anyone can say helps because it is so wrong. My husband was 61 and died last may of pancreatic cancer about 10 weeks after diagnosis. He was all lined up for chemotherapy but had a stent inserted into his bile duct that went wrong and caused sepsis. I was fortunate enough to be able to get him home to die with us. As I look back now, I am relieved that he didn’t have to suffer chemo although I am still angry that he has gone. Treasure every moment you now have left with him and take care of yourself x
@Sandie5
Thank you for your kind reply, and I am so very sorry for what you and your lovely husband went through, for your sad loss, and for what you’re going through now.
This is truly the stuff of nightmares.
My darling soulmate is (was) a young, fit and very strong man. He is still fighting with everything he’s got, but suffering so, so much with it. In the last few days, he has developed end of life delirium/terminal agitation, which is something I was definitely not expecting. It’s the saddest, most soul destroying and horrifying experience for him to suffer and for me to witness. I am unable to do anything to help him, other than try my best to comfort him and assure him that I am always at his side. I have been told by the staff at the hospice that this occurs in the last few days of life. My darling soulmate was a force of nature, loved, adored and admired. Having suffered so horrifically all the way through this nightmare journey… his suffering continues with end of life delirium/terminal agitation. This (unwanted) cancer journey over the last 9-10 months has been the most heartbreaking, soul crushing, life destroying, world shattering experience any human being could ever endure, and one that could never even be imagined in your wildest dreams. At the start of all this, I made a solemn promise to the beautiful man, who is my heartbeat, that we would go through it all together… hand in hand, every step of the way, and that I would be at his side throughout. I have kept that promise… and gently whisper to him every day how much I love him with all my heart and soul, that I will always keep him safe, and will never leave his side. (I have spent an entire 6 weeks at the hospice - only existing in the most basic way - and sleeping beside him every night, so that I am always with him). I hope and pray that he knows I’ve kept my promise to him, and that I will be with him always, until the end of time. If love could have saved him… he would be a walking miracle now. It’s been torture for him, and toture for me, but I would do it all over again, for this beautiful soul, who is the love of my life. Despite having fought a hard, brave, heroic and courageous fight… devastatingly, cancer will win this battle… but it will NEVER break what binds us together -
PURE, AUTHENTIC, UNCONDITIONAL AND ETERNAL LOVE