When the support diminishes…...

I don’t want to sound a selfish person, but I’m beginning to notice that the support I have been so grateful for from family and friends over the past 8 months is starting to diminish and I feel lonelier than ever……….

Has anyone else experienced this?

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Hi there,

Sadly this is something many of us have experienced and it makes everything so much worse. My wonderful husband died just over six months ago and at the time, I mistakenly thought family and close friends would be ‘there for me’ indefinitely, as they all promised. Now, with a few exceptions who I am so grateful for, they have all melted away back to their own ‘normal’ lives and I rarely hear from them. Some have organised ‘get togethers’ and I haven’t even been invited which has hurt and shocked me. It makes the loneliness and isolation so much worse and I admit I feel sidelined. It’s all so hard, isn’t it?



Since the service, 3 months ago, I’ve hardly heard or seen anyone .
One neighbour has been marvellous knocking on the door several times to make sure I’m ok. A dog walking friend fantastic and ex neighbour supportive .

Particularly upsetting is a friend my partner and I helped time and time again over the last 20 years, with lifts, household problems and looking after her dog. She has phoned me 5 times , once to see how I am, all the rest to ask for help.
Another friend who I helped through a very difficult divorce and job loss, hasn’t been in touch at all, not even a phone call.

A cousin and his wife haven’t called me at all, despite all the support we both gave them following his mother’s death and their wedding.

A couple of other people have given unasked for and very upsetting “advice”- telling me " I’ve got to come to terms with it " " to stop moping about" " and " you need to move on"

You’re not being selfish , I think unless people have been in this situation they have no idea how long grieving goes on for.

There are some people I’d rather not have around, I feel lonelier with people around who don’t understand how sad and upset I feel .

Take care, Jx

Thank you J for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. I think its shocking that some people can be so insensitive and isn’t it surprising how short some peoples memories are? Best wishes Elaine x

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Thank you Ann for your reply, its so appreciated. Its hard, you’re right, and some people are very insensitive, they have no idea. How hurtful for you to find out about get togethers when you haven’t been included, thats horrible and the last thing you need when you are in this situation. Thank you again for caring and best wishes x

Hi yes mine was less than that including some of my siblings .your not alone .

I can relate to all of you. Lost my husband just over a year ago after 66 years of being married to him. We had four children and they have all gone back to their busy lives. I am happy with that except for the fact that they seem to think I should be ‘over it’ by now. I never get asked to barbecues or taken for a drive to the big shops, and live (or exist) in a small sheltered flat where I hardly see anyone. I do everything for myself and am not a liability to any of them. But I have a very good memory !!! Warm regards to you all. Eileen

I can relate to this too. I lived with my Mum and when Dad passed away we were asked out together as a unit, nice for Mum and me but not the same really. I know she found people could be very unthinking. She plucked up courage to go on a group holiday with people she had known some years and was amazed at how some of them excluded her as she was travelling on her own. Funnily enough as these people lost their husbands they wanted her friendship again all of a sudden.

When Mum was ill some people promised all sorts that never came to anything. After she passed away those same people were all apparent concern but not once did they knock on the door to see how I was coping. It is very hard when you have lived with a parent just the two of you for over 20 years. Other people were lovely, just quietly there in the background and asked me to their family birthday parties etc.

There is nothing you can do except remember it is not you it is them who are the problem. The big thing I have learned through the loss of my Mum is that I will be kind to others in the same situation.

Just little things like someone knocking with cakes that their daughters had made and they had thought I might like some meant so much to me. The lady who saw me walking past her house and ran out and asked how I was then bundled me inside for tea when she realised how upset I was that day. She said to come back anytime I felt sad and meant it. Nearly two years on and I have moved house but still go back to see her and she is pleased to see me.