I lost my wife to Cancer last month 26th September 2021. It is comforting to read messages on here knowing that I am not alone in my grief and loss of my wife. We had only been married 10 months and got married in lockdown. We had been together for 10 years. My wife had other medical problems other than the cancers. Which meant I was her carer for the last three years together.
our home seems so empty like a lot of members have said and its so quiet.
Nobody comes to visit me as they feel the pain is to raw to visit. So I sit alone most days in silence with a beer looking out of the window sat in her office chair.
I always thought that a week or two after the funeral you were supposed to JUST move on and get on with your life. But I now realise that this is not the case.
Our two male cats won’t go into the room where she sat to watch TV.
I just don’t know what I am supposed to do now. I have bagged all her clothes up and should donate them but I can’t touch them. I look in the food cupboards and see the things that she bought and it brings back a mountain of sorrow.
Thanks for reading this. I know I am not alone E
Hi Elmo,
No one should tell you ‘what you are supposed to do’. Each person’s loss and their grief are unique and everyone has to find their own way to continue their life without the person they loved.
Recently someone posted a new topic on here, called ‘Getting over it’. She had been told by some one to get over the loss of her husband and move on. This had really upset her and she asked how others felt about this. It may help you to read the many responses she received. You can fins the posts here: “Getting over it”
Sending you my deepest sympathy, I hope that your friends will realise that you need them now more than ever, and that even though your pain is raw, they should be there for you.
Dear Elmo
As Jo64 has highlighted we all deal with grief differently and no one, especially those who have not lost a spouse/partner, should tell you how to behave and grieve for your wife.
In truth many so called ‘friends’ move on with their own lives and contact is lost. I now have two close friends and two family members who contact me once a week. Would like it to be more but I know that I can rely on them to call and they also take my calls if I have to ring them. I hope that perhaps you can identify a small group that can support you at this time.
Also keep posting here because people are supportive here. You are not alone.
Sheila
Elmo,
I hope you find this site helpful. I most certainly do. This is my new go to family, at any time I choice, especially when I am feeling vulnerable.
Reach out and talk to us. We are here to give you as much support as we can.
Be kind to yourself
Hugs
Dee xx
Hello, I don’t know but something has happened, Like an epiphany. I know longer feel so sad and I feel really positive now. Yes my Wife has gone. But she has left me so much ( I don’t mean money!).
I have some lovely memories and I was thinking of her yesterday as I spent almost all day in bed. I got up and had a couple of beers and they did not taste right almost sour. So I cooked some tea, ate it and went back to bed. I have got up this morning with a positive warm glow.
I don’t know what has changed me? Maybe it is the thought of my wife if she could see me so sad.
Yes It’s upsetting writing about her but I have decided on the following.
Turn off social media.
Put my phone in a draw and check it once per day for calls.
If people don’t ring you not to be worried.
Do at least five things that need to be done every day.
Stop watching daytime TV.
Get out of the house once per day.
I will let you know how how i get on.
Elmo
Hi Elmo
When I started to read what you had to say, I was horrified.
Staying in bed all day.!!!
Had a couple of beers!!!
Went back to bed!!!
All a sure way to self destruct.
Then I came to the latter part and I am full of admiration and encourage you to go for it.
Who needs social media. I never use it.
My mobile phone is put away but I do use it when I am out in case of accidents but only three people have the number. I have the landline if anyone want me and then I am very particular who I give the number to.
I used to write down everything I did in a day even the mundane things and this encouraged me to do yet more and prove to myself I could do it.
I get out of the house because I have a love of walking and two demanding dogs and it does me a power of good.
Can I add to your list. Smile at people and say good morning/afternoon. I decided to do this at least three times and now I have regular people that wave and smile and even stop for a chat.
This change doesn’t happen overnight and you will still have testing times but I am over two years on now and the loss does become a little easier for some with time and determination.
Good luck to you
Hi Patodot,
I have just been to pick the car up from the garage. I met a young chap at the bus stop who asked what was the best bus to get where he was going. He did not know as he said he had just moved into the area. I told him which buses went where and not to catch the one that was approaching as it would take him ages to get where he needed to be and to catch the one I was waiting for as it was a lot quicker. He thanked me as I got off.
It’s little things like that that keep me going.
Thanks for your reply and the same to you.
Elmo
You are so right. The things we took for granted once, now become important to us. We change and everything else has changed but life does become acceptable again. Not always easy but acceptable. I can’t help you with a time scale I’m afraid.
Take care.
x