When will I find hope.

We lost our son in an accident in May 2017 a day that will never leave me. I am carrying on as we have two other children who desperately miss their big brother and need their parents but the trouble is that although I do things in my life, see friends, occasionally go out, none of it seems to have any meaning or brings any joy, it’s like I am going through the motions. Do u ever feel even a little bit happy again?

Hi Jan. I’m so sorry to hear you lost your son in an accident. I lost my daughter in Dec 2016 to suicide and I’m still in can’t be bothered mode. I have more good days than bad now, but like you I’m still waiting to feel joy again, or plan ahead. But yes, I do now smile and find pleasure in things which were a struggle a few months ago and there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel even though it’s taking longer to get there than I thought. There are some lovely supportive people on here going through the same thing, I was surprised at how many of us there are, and together we’ll get through it, a day at a time and at your own pace, but you will get there. Hugs, Kathy x

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Hi Kathy, so sorry to hear about your Daughter, what a terrible way to lose her, what date did she pass, we lost our lovely Daughter Dawn 11th December 2016,and like still finding it a terrible struggle , although we try and keep realy busey, I try and smile with our friends so I donot seem misrable, but inside I am in hurting , but we have no choice but to try and get through it . Hugs Maddie

Thanks Maddie, sorry to hear you lost your lovely Dawn. There’s never a good time to lose one of your children, but the run up to Christmas must be the worst. Heidi was 35 and had suffered from mental health problems for several years. She died on Dec 22nd but because it was late at night and we live abroad (she lived in Bristol) the police took time to track down our eldest daughter and visited her in person on Christmas Eve to break the news. And I used to love Christmas Eve… Heidi left loads of notes for us and said she timed it so that we didn’t have too many dates to remember (!) and had left us a beautiful butterfly bauble, in my favourite colour, to put on the tree to remember her by, bless her. As if we could ever forget her. I feel heaps better now than I did this time last year so that gives me hope for the future, but I would so love to feel enthusiastic about something again and take up the hobbies I used to enjoy. I find forcing a smile often helps, even if I’m by myself, and I think friends assume you’re ‘over it’ by now so I smile for them to make them feel better - I bet you do too! A part of us will always be missing, there’s nothing we can do about that, but I’m sure we’ll get through to a happier place in time. Take care, hugs, Kathy x

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Dear Kathy and Maudie.
I am so sorry to hear about the death of your dear children. When you lose a child you feel so alone, but websites like this mad me see that there are so many of us going through this awful thing, in a way I with I was the only one then I would know that no one else would have to suffer this.
My mum passed away 11 months before I lost my son but the way I grieve for her is so different to the way I feel for Jake. We knew mum was dying and in a way I was prepared for it although it was terrible, but losing Jake was such a shock that some days I think I will never find peace again. You are right when you say about the lack of enthusiasm. I am going back to doing the things that help me but I have to force myself to do them or I know I could get lost in my grief.
It is easier now after 16 months so I hope and pray that in another 16 months it will be a little easier still but at the moment I miss him so much that it is hard to imagine ever feeling any other way.
Much love to you both

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Hi Jan, I know what you mean . My younger son died suddenly in August 2015. I have another son 3 years older so now 23 . I still go to work which helps to distract me , ive started to go on long haul holidays which I enjoy , like you I see friends, go to places and on one level I enjoy my life , but I feel an overwhelming sense of detachment about it all which I never felt before Nick died . I feel a bit like I’m going through the motions . I dont see an alternative though . I’ve got to go on for James , and I need to look as though I’m making an effort and not just moping around . The last thing I want is for people to feel sorry for me or for my son to worry about me , which will make it harder for him to enjoy his life . I know my life isn’t ever going to be the same again . I know I’ll see Nick again one day and that belief helps me to carry on , even though it’s such an effort .

Hi paulsm what you said really struck something in me about detachment as I couldn’t find a word for it. Nothing ‘feels’ the same and I describe it as constantly watching through a window. I do have fleeting moments of something near happiness and am hoping these will get more often. Sam died 5 months ago.
Thanks for that

Hi Sal
I miss Nick now as much as ever , but the passage of time has made it easier for me to cope and to deal with the grief that is always there and will always be so , and I hope that the same happens for you in time . Paul .

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