I thought I was coping (ISH) but yesterday was just awful, it’s like it’s dawned on me that loosing my Andrew is forever. I was trying to remember the love we cherished and our lives together but yesterday I couldn’t stop crying thinking of everything that ill miss, our future has been robbed. Never in a million years did I think he would be gone at such a young age. I feel so stupid as when we was poorly (only about 7 Weeks, we only found out he had untreatable cancer on the Wednesday and he died on the Sunday) I never for one moment thought he was going to die and neither did he. He was completely let down by the NHS and I am furious in how he was treated, I had to fight everyday for him.
I just don’t see how I can carry on feeling this way why can’t I focus on what we had instead of what could have been?
We have had his funeral but I can’t bare to tell my friends about it, I’m currently off work and many have texted worried about me but I just ignore them as I can’t bare to say that my Andrew has gone.
I feel so anxious and uncertain about everything, I don’t no how I’ll ever go back to work or live any sort of life. I seem to want to hind under the covers and watching silly box sets.
It’s really overwhelming, it’s a struggle to even get a shower. I just don’t know who I am anymore.
Hi @Katyh
Sad to learn that you are having such a rough time and feeling so very sad. You haven’t told your friends about your loss? I admit that I only told my Steve’s best and oldest friend immediately after I found out he’d died; within minutes I was getting calls, flowers, cards and messages, thanks to social media (which I don’t do). These communications really helped me, and the subsequent visits from friends and invitations to meet up. Admittedly it was hard to face people and their sympathy, but looking back it really helped.
Please reach out to your friends, you will find angels amongst them and they will help you ride this storm. It doesn’t matter if you keep breaking down, they will expect it.
I, too feel very let down by the NHS, Steve was very ill and I went to all his appointments with him but he just kept getting fobbed off and referred to the next consultant with weeks in between and all the time he was worsening. He didn’t expect to die.
It is all so sad that we found such a deep love and it was suddenly gone in a heartbeat.
Please reach out. Meet up with people, even if you find yourself having to leave early. X
I used to feel exactly the same, I reckon we all did.
I did 2 things which slowly started to rebuild my life.
Firstly, every morning I went and sat in “her” chair in the conservatory, and talked to her about what we did together. I still do, after 2 years. Most conversations start with “do you remember when …?”. I learnt to smile again🥰
I then met a lovely stranger, who realised I was in a bad place and talked to me about how I would like my future to be. I started to talk to my wife about it in our morning chats, and I’m pleased she agreed with my thoughts. Slowly, my plan started to form and I’m seeing it through and am pretty happy again after 2 years. I’m doing lots of new meaningful things again
Such as yesterday, I drove up to my “lovely stranger’s” house in the Peak District and spent a couple of hours chatting happily and eating lunch.
We have to have a plan, which rebuilds our lives, and gives us a new routine, so we don’t continue getting up each morning thinking “how am I going to get through another horrible day”.
And the good news is that my wife still comes with me, I never forget her, but I smile at the thoughts I have.
I couldn’t say the words or hear the words I wouldn’t even let the police say it when they knocked on door. Nearly a year later and I still avoid saying it.
It’s early days for you it’s not easy x
It’s so hard and must be a terrible shock for you,it’s early days yet and just do what you can do beat yourself up about what you can’t do.We got our groceries delivered every Saturday and after he had died a couple of the regular drivers asked where he was one said have you given him the day off jokingly another one said where’s the boss today also jokingly.I just said he’s not here anymore they didn’t know what to say they maybe think he’s left me but I was unable to say it ,there’s lots of people I don’t know very well that I’m unable to tell .
I also find it is getting harder the more time passes. I think I am just realising that it is real and almost everything triggers me thinking “we had planned that “ or “that would have been good to do” or “ I want to share that with you”.
I feel that as well , constantly seeing things that remind me of ‘oh we did this there ‘ or went there at this time .
Even walking the dog locally gives constant reminders , went a different route today and saw a corner shop that reminded me of a booze run from a party we had , when we lived a bit away from where we do now , thing is that party was over 20 years ago ( and I was worse for wear ) yet seeing that shop the memory was crystal clear hopefully at some point all these memories will bring a smile rather than tears .
So you met someone ?.and i agree we all need a plan dont we or else.we would go under …i got a few goals but none have come to fruition yet … i know a man who is just my mate but i dont think we will go past being friends. Hes been really hurt by his break up… i dont think he will ever trust a woman again ? Its such a shame but hes got so many barriers … but we have to trust that life has a plan somehow for us dont we ? I do anyway xx
Hi Deb5 You are right I think there is a path we will follow I believe our lives are mapped out for us . And I think it’s a shame your friend was badly hurt and maybe you were meant to help him . By helping him hopefully it will take your mind off your loved one and give you a little pease of mind.I don’t think anyone should be on there own when going through a bad time and by helping him you are helping you.xx
Aw … yeh i agree it does take my mind off my own problems … hes a kind man really and last year when my life felt so bleak he was really kind to me and that’s all we need sometimes isnt it a bit of kindness from people to get us through … kindness costs nothing does it xx
Hi @Deb5 . Yes, I met someone, but not in any romantic sense, it took us about 20 minutes to establish that neither of us would contemplate that. Neither of us could imagine living with anyone else. It’s remained, now over 2 years, as a very pleasant supportive friendship.
Friends of the opposite sex provide a different facet of life, sugar and spice versus puppy dogs tails etc .
It also increases the pool of potential friends by 100,%
Thats nice … a friend bit like mine then. Good to have friends isnt it and yeh it is so nice to talk to another man ya know … cos i missed talking to my husband so much … x
Hi Deb5 you have got to do what makes you happy and no one else.I can tell you it is better to have one true friend than so called friends that you thought were friends. There is so much bad in this world Deb try and some happiness and say to yourself you are doing it for yourself and not anyone else .
It’s been 7.5 years now. Support dwindled after a month as people went on with their own lives. I was invited ( sympathetically) to a few patty’s in the beginning. I tried not be be a buzz kill. Fast forward to today. I still sleep with her pj top hospice put on her and the comfort blanket she used. I have a hard time coping with things. Being a single parent has been hard. I used to pray for death a night but knew I had kids to raise. Moving on or forward has been hard. It gets easier but the loss and grief is always there. Family and friends lost a mother, daughter and sister. She was everything to me.
I’m sure in time things will get easier. I just don’t understand why it’s harder now than when it first happened.
hopefully at some point all these memories will bring a smile rather than tears .
? Its such a shame but hes got so many barriers … but we have to trust that life has a plan somehow for us dont we ? I do anyway xx
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bit like mine then. Good to have friends isnt it and yeh it is so nice to talk to another man ya know … cos i missed talking to my husband so much … x