Today I spent a lovely day with my cousin we met for breakfast , went for a walk in the local forest, looked around the shops then went back to my house . We sat talking about all kinds of things then she said “ what do you do when your here on your own” it took me aback if I’m honest 1: is because I wasn’t expecting it 2: I wanted to answer carefully and say what I thought she wanted to hear 3: I dint want sympathy. I just bluffed my way through the answer by saying I read play games on my iPad housework etc when really I sit and think is this what my life has become and sometimes I say it out loud .
So so many hours spent sat alone or doing things alone .
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I have become an accomplished liar, telling folk what they want to hear, playing the pretend game.
Yes, kept busy today, pottering around, some cleaning done, stuff in garden
Yes, nipped out earlier for petrol and a few groceries
Yes, all good, was talking to X, Y & Z today
Yes, ate well today
When all the time I was either in bed or lying staring into space. My record was 9 days straight in bed with only text human contact. 5 days when house alarm didn’t need switched off cos no one came near, door was never opened.
That’s what it’s like when you are on your own, I can’t be honest.
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How true my friend text me today to see what I was doing I lied said I was busy doing garden and cleaning if fact I was in bed crying my eyes out. She just wouldn’t understand if I told her I was not coping very well and just wish I could be with Jim 6 feet under.
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sometimes being honest can open up feelings … like, I have no idea what to do sometimes on my own.
I get lonely … etc. if we dare
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