When you're usually so strong

These last couple of weeks I have felt so numb and sad. Physically, I feel like I am turning up to do what I am supposed to but Im struggling to feel anything but sadness. I am usually so strong, I try to be positive, I try to remember the good times but it feels so difficult to hold back the tears and I’m struggling to be motivated with life.

I lost one of my closest and oldest friends earlier this year after a long battle with cancer. We spoke or messaged almost everyday and he helped me manage my grief with my father’s death 4 years ago. When my friend died, I handled it well and listened to his friends and family about their feelings. There wasn’t really a funeral, but a service a month after he died instead.

This month will mark the anniversary of my father’s death, and then will come my friends birthday and then christmas (that we’d always spend together). At the moment it just all feels too much and I don’t know how to get past this.

I’m struggling to process all this pain and sadness and I don’t know what to do. I’ve got a very small family and I just don’t feel like I want to burden them. But crying in secret isn’t working very well either.

People too see me as a strong person, a strong lady but underneath i am as weak as the next one…dont be afraid to show that weak side, let it out…

I am assuming you are a lot younger than me, i have had 68 years of this being a strong person…but trust me, these last four months have proved our emotional and weak i am after the sudden loss of my partner Richard 84…

Crying in secret is ok and so is crying in front of people, let them see that you are human too…dont bottle it all in…

Jackie…

Jackie…

Thanks Jackie. I am in my 30s, so yes a little younger than you.

I am sorry to hear about your partner, it must be incredibly difficult. Do you have friends and family around you to support?

Thank you for asking but no, I-we moved here three years ago from Bedfordshire to Dorset due to giving up our house for a bungalow as I was diagnosed 11th April with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis four years ago at age 64, I chose a parkhome, my big mistake…Ironically it was 11th April four months ago my partner of 20 years passed away suddenly at home sitting in his armchair…He had not long driven our dog to the pet groomers with the intention of going back a hour or two later to collect him, he passed away from a heart blockage…Now i have told you more than you asked for…
We cant be strong and positive all the time, no matter how hard we try…

Jackie…

Just want to add, a very small family is better than none…dont forget, this anniversary they will be marking your fathers death, so they will be still grieving too, so they will know exactly how you are feeling, give them a chance and they might just surprise you with helping you cope with the losses of your friend ad your father…dont forget your father is somebody’s son, brother, uncle…they too will be missing him…

Jackie…

Hello ewilko
I lost my husband at the end of June after looking after him for a year with lung cancer and COPD. He was my soulmate and best friend. He helped me through some very difficult times and I could never repay him for that. I was a very strong positive person when he was here because of him. Since June my confidence and strength have been knocked. I’m 39 and my husband was alot older than me but watching the journey of his last year was so hard. I kept him positive even though I knew I was going to lose him as treatment did not work. Now I take days at a time and never plan too far ahead.
I have a small amount of family but they can’t truly understand as they have not gone through it. I have found so much support through the lovely people on this forum so keep posting and there is always someone to talk to. I also have a couple of friends who understand because they have been through it but that’s all I really have. If you ever need to talk I am always here to listen.
Take care Emma x

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