Nam thanks fior being there for me ireally feel fo you how old was your mum mine was 74 she got ill round christmas and went downhill fast with cancer but i live away so aint seen them for a year i use to go away to bridlington with my mum she loved it bythe sea we went on alot of day trips it was great just sat on sea front just chilling i will miss them daysxxxx love jillxx
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Jillybean1
No not at all, does it mean you have got over your loss, far from it. We all grieve differently, and our emotions come at different times throughout the grieving process.
Here to share your feelings anytime.
Joy
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Name
Oh no, motherās day was such an awful day, but for all those missed special occasions without your mum it must be really sad.
It is impossible to know what life is now, none existent for me really as Iāve not partner or children. Mum was all I needed in my life, now she has passed, Iāve nothing to live for. I cried constantly for the past 2 days, life getting harder as each day dawns. I struggle to even get out of bed most days, asking mum to come and fetch me.
I find the hearing of laughter in the sunshine unbearable. Mum loved to see the flowers blooming in the gardens, I canāt bear to even look at them.
I know it is still early days but I donāt feel things will ever get any easier.
Thankyou for sharing your feelings with me, the support is very much appreciated.
You too take care, keep sharing.
Joy
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Hi Jill
Thank you for sharing those lovely memories of your mum @Jillybean1- it sounds as though you had such fun together on your trips to the sea front at Bridlington. I know what you mean about just sitting and chilling - sometimes it isnāt the big things we miss about our mums itās all those times together doing the things we enjoyed with them. Yes we miss those days and those times so much.
How awful that she was taken so ill so quickly that must have been such a shock for you. Nothing can prepare us for that can it - it seems to happen out of nowhere and then suddenly they are gone and we are grieving.
I wonder whether, when things are more open again, I might be able to go somewhere mum lovedā¦ not sure yet because of the pain but I would like to think I could visit somewhere for her, in her memory, some day. We had planned a trip to Weston so she could see the sea from the car - she was in a wheelchair and couldnāt walk - we never got to do it. She loved watching the sea. Have you been able to think about anything like that yet?
Keep sharing Jill
Nam xx
@JP20.J
Joy I think when they have been such a huge part of our lives it is literally impossible to imagine what life will be without them - I feel for you I really do. How do we reach a point where we can live because they showed us how to? Because we know that is what they would want for us? Hard when there is so much pain at the moment.
I think what you say about early days is so right - Iām not sure we really know how we feel at the moment - I know I donāt. I canāt make plans - I donāt know what day it is sometimes. And the longing to see mum again, to laugh with her, to have her tell me itās all going to be ok, is unbearable.
I mentioned this to Jill as well, but Iām wondering whether you know Sue Ryder also offer grief counselling for free? Iāve applied for it, because I think sometimes we all need extra support at a time like this. Just a thoughtā¦ It isnāt right for everyone, but I thought I would try it.
I think it is really hard to imagine things will get easier - I can tell myself that but on the really bad days it just feels badā¦ I talk to mum, I ask her how to get through this, and I know in my heart what she would say - because you can. I try to remember how strong she was, how big her spirit was, and I hope that some of that will help.
Keep sharing Joy
Take care
Nam xx
Nam
It is just too much. Every time my thoughts go back to life without mum, my chest tightens and I feel Iām suffocating.
Iām shut away most days, as I said i struggle to get out of bed, the few times I have tried to speak to anyone I start to cry. My supervisor from work phoned me yesterday and all I did was cry the whole time.
Iāve not been happy at work for quite some time, but because Iām not thinking straight, I donāt know if I look for another job or stay put. I feel Iām not capable of anything. I just donāt know what to do. I want mum here to to help me with this. It is the longing to have mum back , but knowing that is not going to happen that is making life so unbearable.
Thankyou for mentioning the grief counselling, I think I may give it a try, as I honestly donāt know how I can carry on alone. It is just , I canāt explain,Iām struggling. Iām not sleeping, this has worsened as the days pass.
I am always asking mum to fetch me, telling her cannot get through this without her. Like you we know what their answer would be, but Iām afraid it is not that easy. I am struggling and I mean struggling. When I try to settle down for the night, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Sorry, I know we are all grieving.
Thankyou for listening, please keep sharing your feelings.
Joy xx
@NPM I know exactly what you mean and you express it so well.
I agree - sometimes the reminders make us feel closer and comforted, sometimes they are too painful.
Sending you a hug xx
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@JP20.J
Iām so sorry Joy it is so very hard, and as you say, it is made even more painful being alone while you are grieving for your lovely mum. I really hope you can find some more support through the counselling service - just having someone else to talk to can be so helpful.
Iām wondering whether you have other friends or family you can talk to? Grief is so isolating, and such a lonely experience, and having someone you can talk to sometimes can help to ease that. I also write down what Iām feeling - itās another way of getting some of the feelings out of my head where they just go round and round. I even have a sort of ongoing letter to my mum, which I have found helps me feel as though I am talking to her. These are all just ways I am trying to cope with the grief, and sometimes they work better than others. Have you tried anything like that? Or found other things to try?
Grief is also so exhausting, and I know for myself I really struggle when Iām not sleeping properly. Since mum died I have slept really badly, often going to bed too late and then waking up at silly-oāclock in the early hours and sometimes not being able to go back to sleep. I am trying things like a warm bath, and lavender pillow spray, to see if it makes any difference. I think maybe it does, a little, because I am now able to fall back to sleep sometimes. Have you tried anything like that?
Everything I have read about grief seems to say making big decisions can be tricky when we are grieving - I wonder what other peopleās experience is? I wasnāt able to work for weeks after mum died, and have only just gone back recently. I still find it hard to do a full day - I canāt concentrate very well and sometimes just sit and cry. I canāt seem to focus properly, and get really easily distracted.
Sending hugs to you Joy - yes we are all grieving and thatās why we all get how this feels.
Take care
Nam xx
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@NJL
Itās strange isnāt it - and I also find that what comforts me one day can just make me cry on a different day. Today, I found something that we had brought back from mumās when we emptied her flat, and seeing it in my cupboard just hurt so much - I shut the cupboard door and walked away. And yet I remember so clearly thinking I wanted to keep it at the time. I will keep it for now, because I know this isnāt the time to make decisions about what to do with her things.
At the moment I am surrounded by everything we took from her flat, and sometimes it can feel hard seeing it all when it should be at her place, with her. It is still so unreal that she isnāt there - do you get that? Just not being able to believe it? I know I have dreamed about her, but when I wake up the dreams fade so quickly and I just have an impression that she was in my dream - I canāt remember what the dream was about. I said to my husband recently āthatās the only place where she is still aliveāā¦
Sending hugs to you too
Take care
Nam xx
Nam
Thankyou, I can only try the counselling, I canāt feel any worse than I am doing, 3 days of near constant crying.
I have 2 sisters, but they not very supportive, as they didnāt have the same closeness and relationship with mum that I had. They have partners and families. Mum was all I ever needed. A few friends are trying to be supportive but as they havenāt experienced the loss of any loved ones, they donāt fully understand.
I do have a notebook where I have been writing down things as if Iām talking to mum, it helps for a little while, but then Iām thinking I need you here mum beside me. I have a teddy that I bought for mum that I talk to, sitting on my bed.
No I havenāt tried anything to try to help me sleep, but thankyou for your ideas.
Decisions are more difficult to make while grieving. I just donāt know what to do, or what I want other than to be with mum. If a pill was available to take to get me back with mum then I would definitely take one.
Iām not able to concentrate or focus on anything that I try to do. Everything is a blur, it doesnāt get any easier.
Thankyou again for your ideas and sharing your feelings.
Hugs to you too.
Joy xx
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I completely get it. Everything you say resonates with me. I still canāt believe my Mum isnāt here and I keep saying āI donāt understand how you arenāt hereā. I feel that I dream about my Mum a lot but when I wake up I canāt remember but I just feel she was there somehow.
I am keeping a notebook and I write in it nearly every day about how Iām feeling - itās a very helpful therapy and I think I am my own therapist really. Sometimes I read things back and I think itās very perceptive and helpful.
I have learned very much that the grief ājourneyā is a very personal thing and it can be quite hurtful if those closest to you donāt seem able to understand your feelings. I now feel that my grief is a shared thing between me and my Mum.
I find it really helpful to be among people who understand, I hope you find it helps too.
Nicky xx
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Hi you two iv bin having that same dream to and actually shouting out my mums name but like you cant rembering what i dreamed off but i was talking to a friend and she said the dream is a way of your mum coming back to say she ok now and at peace loves so if that helps any of your to make sense of it sending great big hugs love jillxxxx
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Hi
I remember so clearly from when my dad died having those dreams where it felt like he was just out of reach or just out of sight or had been there and then just left or he was just going somewhere and I had missed him ā but it always had that same feeling that heād been there and then he wasnāt and thatās how it feels now with these dreams about mum.
A friend also said to me try and think of it like your mum is telling you sheās okay and she is where she needs to be now and to try and be comforted by that. Sometimes it works, like with everything to do with grief, and then other times itās hard to find the comfort because of the pain.
It really helps being on here and talking about all of this and reading your experiences and sharing ā thank you.
Big hugs to you all
Nam xx
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I canāt stop crying todayā¦
I miss mum so much. I look at her photograph and canāt believe that all she is now is photographs and memories. I want so much to see her, to talk and hear her voice, to laugh with her and ask her advice about stuff. I just want her to be here, in my world again, even though that sounds so selfish. The pain is hard to bear on days like thisā¦
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Oh my gosh I feel for you. Some days are just so very hard. Big massive hug to you. Be kind to yourself and know that your Mum is with you. x
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Thank you @Danson I appreciate that. She died unexpectedly in February, and I hadnāt been able to see her because she had moved to a care home and there was a no visitors policy. I never saw her room, or helped her unpack her things - she died 10 days after she arrived there and only 2 days before we would have been able to visit her - itās all very raw.
Days like today I just canāt get my head together at all xx
Covid restrictions made everything so very hard. It was inhuman. My Mum had a fall in her care home and throughout her hospital stay no visitors were allowed. Every fibre of my being needed to be there to care for her but that was denied, taken away from us. By the time I could see her sheād had a stroke and could not communicate. She passed a very short time afterwards.
Iām sorry you had to go through what you did. Iām sure there are so many of us who are going to take a long time to come to terms with the unnatural circumstances.
I had a like you are having yesterday. Iām better today though.
Take care and I hope youāll feel a bit better soon. x
Iām so very sorry @Danson what a cruel way to have lost your mum. Inhuman is right - we were kept apart from those people we loved and who we needed to be there with. Sorry doesnāt seem adequate, but I really am - itās heartbreaking.
I agree that there are so many of us who are struggling with these circumstances - even if our loved people didnāt die of covid, which is awful in itself, its impact has been devastating for us in other ways. I believe it has complicated the process of grieving, and meant it is even more bewildering and difficult. It has denied us so much, like you say.
Yes these days come and are bad, and then ease again for a while. Itās helpful to be reminded of that xx
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Thank you, x
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