Where are you mum?💔

This morning I stood in front of a photo of my mum, sobbing and trying to prise her out of it, make her real, bring her back…

I miss her everywhere, every day. I can’t touch her, stroke her painful hands, brush her soft hair, see her smile and hear her voice, tell her I love her and I miss her - it hurts

Where are you mum?:broken_heart:

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NPM
I can relate so much to your feelings, I lost my mum early February, and i would give anything to have her back. Your words of miss her everywhere, everyday, not able to touch her and stroke her hands, brush her soft hair, see her lovely smile and hear her voice, tell her i love her and miss her, those are my feelings of heartache, and it hurts uncontrollably. I cry everyday asking for her back, and where she is. I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Joy

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I’m so sorry @JP20.J I wish there was something I could say to take away this pain, and this longing to have them back with us again - I get it. It sounds as though you were close to your mum - is that right? My mum died on 3rd February, so like you early February, and I am nowhere near being able to get my head round it. Like you, I keep asking for her to come back and the loss hurts so much. It is like you say, such heartache. I hadn’t seen my mum before she died because of care home regulations, and I still can’t believe it’s real… Sometimes it just feels overwhelming, and the sense of not being able to find her anywhere any more is just heartbreaking.

Someone on this site reminded me this is such early days, it has happened so recently for both of us, and it is going to take time to grieve for this loss. Do you have people you can talk to about it? I have found there is a lot of support here, and that has helped me feel less alone with the grief and the pain, although there are times when it just floors me and I cry and cry.

I hope being here and reading other people’s posts helps. Keep posting - there are so many of us here together, with you.

Take care and sending hugs to you xx

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NPM
Thankyou for your reply. Yes nothing will take the pain away on the longing for our mums to be back with us.
Yes I was very very close to my mum. My mum died on the 4th February, so like you nowhere near to getting my head round it. I just want my mum back, or I want to die to be with her.
It was devastating for me too, as like your mum, my mum was in a care home, I last saw her on new years day , we had a lovely chat saying what the new year would hopefully bring. Mum had her covid vaccine in January, thinking it would make visiting safer when restrictions were lifted, but then on the 1st February she was tested positive and hospitalized, and on the 4th she passed away. Yet all through the outbreaks last year she was kept safe from it all. It is very heartbreaking and overwhelming. Up until the first lockdown I spent every waking minute at the home with mum. The home was fantastic. I have feelings of anger regarding the vaccine.
It is early days but i don’t feel any amount of time will change how I feel. I am struggling to carry on without my mum. I have 2 sisters who are not grieving as much as me as all 3 relationships with mum were different. Don’t get me wrong they all loved mum like mum loved all of us, but they had families, I had no one as mum was my world and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Mum meant more to me than anyone.
There is support here which is very much appreciated, but like you I cry and cry everyday , I want my mum back.
Thankyou for being here, hugs to you .
Joy

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Hi you two im same lost my mum on 23 feb annd my dad in october so i dint have time to grieve for my dad then i lost my mum we was really close aswell i moved away from home so i hadnt seen my mum for a year before she passed and that hurts loads. The last words i said to her was i love you on phone i feel pain and upset but no tears is it cause it still raw please help dont know what grieve isxxx

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I’m so sorry @Jillybean1 because to lose both your mum and your dad is such a lot of grief to cope with, and as you say you are feeling too raw at the moment to cry, especially as you hadn’t seen your mum for a year. I’m not sure there are answers for what grief is sadly - all of us will have different experiences of what it means. What I think we share is that awful sense of loss, of missing those we loved, and the pain. To have told your mum you loved her is hopefully something that will be comforting in time - my mum asked for a hug the last time I saw her which was in hospital, and I’m so glad I did. I didn’t know then that would be the last time I ever saw her… And I told her I loved her, too. It’s still so hard to believe it was only a few weeks ago - this is so recent for all of us.

I find that the grief is there whether I cry or not. Sometimes I do, other times nothing. There’s no right or wrong way to do this, and no rules - it happens anyway. Keep posting, and know that you aren’t alone there are so many of us here who know what you’re going through.

Sending hugs, and take care of yourself xx

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I really know what you mean. Mum had had her vaccination, and we were just looking forward so much to restrictions being lifted, and getting together again and being able to take her out - in the end she never even saw outside the home. She was only there 10 days before she died.

I think that is such a part of the sense of loss - the plans and the hopes and everything we were looking forward to, and it was all just snatched away without any warning. And I’m struggling with remembering because it hurts so much.

It sounds so lovely the you were able to spend so much time with your mum before the first lockdown - precious time together. And when you have been so close, it does feel like a struggle, especially in the beginning. Like you until lockdowns and then hospital, I spent so much time with my mum - she was sharp and funny and loved company, and was always so happy to see us. I miss that so much - her happy smile, and the laughs together. I didn’t even know how safe I felt as long as she was around, until she died. I get scared now - even with a lovely family to support me. Kind of scared about how to do this next bit, without her there.

I guess we learn as we go through it xx

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Hello NPM
I can relate to every word you say. I have a photo of me and my Mum and it’s so clear, she looks as though she’s in there and I could just lift her out of it.

I say to her all the time “I don’t understand how you’re not here” and I truly don’t.

It is 16 weeks tomorrow since my lovely Mum passed. I talk to her all the time and I have photos everywhere… I don’t know how I’ve got through every day but somehow I have and on the less raw days, I like to think that’s my Mum looking after me.

I still have raw days but they are less often than they were. Other days I’m having happy memories of my Mum but then out of the blue I cry. The slightest thing will trigger it.

It is a tribute to the love our Mums gave us that we miss them so much.

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I’m so sorry about your mum @NJL. They are such a huge part of our lives - it’s just impossible to imagine life without them somewhere in our lives and in the world isnt it - that sense of not understanding how they’re not here is profound. It helped to read what you wrote about the less raw days being when your mum is looking after you - and also that you have a few less days like that sometimes.

I do things like buying tulips, because my mum loved them and the last flowers I bought for her was a bunch of tulips when she moved into the home, even though I never got to see her there. Sometimes though, those things can feel so painful because they just remind me she’s gone…

Yes, photos can be both so lovely and so hard to look at. Like you wrote, my mum looks so vibrant and alive it hurts on the bad days - I stare at them and ask why??? I know there are no answers, and it helps to chat on here with people who get it.

Thank you, and take care xx

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NPM
It is so so sad, restrictions are too late for us, which infuriates me. Everything was snatched away from us without warning, which makes it all the more heartbreaking. Mum was always happy to see me, and loved having family visiting, she always knew I would be there with her every day. She would always be joking and has a great sense of humour. Yes every moment with mum was precious to me. I am really struggling to get through each day. I miss her terribly and like you get scared because we always had each other. Now I have no one.
It helps to know we have the support here, for each other.
Joy

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I am so sorry, that is awful to lose both parents so close together. I have had tears everyday right from the day mum passed, to be honest I am still as bad now, as I was then, if not worse. It is just so heartbreaking. it hasn’t got any easier, I so want to be with mum, we all grieve differently.
Take comfort in knowing we are here to support each other.
Joy

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@JP20.J Something that I read about grieving, which I ask myself sometimes, is what would mum say? Or what would mum tell me? We carry so much of our mums in us - especially when like you, you were so close to your mum - and I try and remember what she would say to me. It might not help, but I sometimes find it comforting to remind myself. Your mum sounds so lovely - you write about her so lovingly and I get a real sense of how close you were.

I see it in the news every day now, about restrictions being lifted, and families visiting their loved people again, and I’m so happy for them and heartbroken for those of us who will never get to do that - it’s too late. That hurts so much. Those hard days are when we need to remember we are here for each other. If it helps, maybe you could share some memories of your mum here? Maybe that’s something we can do Xx

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NPM
Mum would tell me everything will be alright, we’re in this together. She was always there to support me whenever I needed support. She would wrap me in her arms and squeeze me so tight. To me she was the best mum ever.
She always put others first, always willing to help others in anyway she could. She would give her last penny if she had to. She never complained, nothing was ever too much trouble.
Her lovely smile captured everyone’s hearts, and her caring nature didn’t go unnoticed. She was amazing. We had so much love for each other, she meant so much to me. I am feeling lost, lonely and heartbroken without her, we did so many things together, even in the home we would snuggle up on the bed together. She would always tell me to take care and how much she loved me. I couldn’t have loved anyone more than I loved my mum. My heart has broken into a thousand pieces, way beyond repair.
I’m sure your mum was everything to you, and you have memories to share. Please share those, as sharing is comforting.
Joy xx

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Thank you so much for sharing memories of your mum @JP20.J. It is so clear how very close you were, and how important she was to you. She sounds like such a warm and generous person, and loved you very much. To lose that is completely heartbreaking - as you say your heart is broken into a thousand pieces, and it is so natural that you are feeling so lost and lonely without her there with you.

My mum, like yours, loved company, and seeing family and friends. She had terrible rheumatoid arthritis and was sometimes bedridden, but as soon as she saw us come in she would smile and say ‘oh hello’ so happily, and even if she hadn’t been able to get out of bed that day just seeing us would give her the energy to sit up and have a cup of tea and a chat and a good laugh. I miss that so much - seeing her happy smile, the chats we had almost every day on FaceTime, and when she was having a good day going into town for a wander. Even in town people knew who she was, and would stop to say hello. She was so interested in people, and loved talking to them - she made them feel special.

I miss so many things about her - right now she would be telling me you can get through this, it’ll be hard sometimes but you can do it. She would remind me that there are always really hard times, and there are also times when it doesn’t feel so awful, and to trust that the worst times don’t last forever, even though it feels like it sometimes. I remind myself of that…

Take it slowly, don’t rush yourself, take the time you need and keep sharing xx

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NPM
Another day of not wanting to be here.
Yes mum and I couldn’t have been any closer. She was everything to me.
Your mum also sounds like a lovely lady. It is so hard to be able to live life without them. It was lovely you was able to facetime and have those memories to hold on to. I miss everything about my mum, even thinking of mum telling me to go and live my life as she has had hers, is driving me to despair. I don’t want a life without her. To think of all the things we are missing of being together is so unbearable.
Thankyou for listening. How are you managing.
Joy

Hello Joy

I know what you mean about thinking of all the things you are missing - even though mum only died last month we have missed being able to share mother’s day, 3 of her grandchildren’s birthdays, and her eldest grandson who is my son getting engaged. Everything feels so hard not being able to call her and say mum you’ll never guess… It is as you say unbearable, and there are going to be so many of those now.

Yes they would be telling us to live our lives, but it’s impossible to know what that means, without them there to support us, to talk to, to be with us. They have always been there for us - right from the start and before anyone else.

There is just such a huge sense of absence, of the hole they have left - today is one of those days when all I can feel is the sadness and the awful weight of grief - it makes trying to do even the most ordinary things so much more difficult, if that makes sense? Sometimes it even makes it hard to cry… I try and do something, however little, and if that’s all I do it’s enough. Having a dog helps a lot, because it means I get outside for a bit while I walk her.

Mum was so looking forward to spring - I am buying a little bunch of tulips every week to put by her photo, although it hurts so much that I can’t give them to her.

Someone said to me that a lot of the time it can feel as though you are just going through the motions every day, without really feeling much, but it is important to do that. I am trying to, even when it feels hard. Like me you lost your mum so recently - only the day after - so I really understand what you are going through.

Keep sharing - we can support each other as we go.

Take care
Nam xx

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Awww nam i tooo understand how you feel i lost my mu. 24 feb and my dad in october suddenley iv sobbed like a baby at funeral then i few tears tears after have igot over it now please help me anyone as it dont feel like grief but then again nevet being through itxxx need helpxxxx

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Hello @Jillybean1 I can’t imagine what you are going through losing both of your parents so close together. For me, I can only say that grief doesn’t go in straight lines from bad to better. I find I can have times when I feel nothing, times when I cry till I can’t breathe and even times when I feel kind of just about ok for a little while - and I can go between all of those in all directions. Also I have other reactions as well like guilt, anger, despair - it can be a real muddle of so many, overwhelming emotions with no particular reason for any of them. I think our reactions to this kind of grief don’t make sense, so I find I just try and go with whatever I am feeling at any time. I’m learning that it will change after a while, although that might be days sometimes, and I’m also learning that I will probably feel things lots of times, if that makes sense?

Have you seen that Sue Ryder offer grief counselling sessions for free? I’m wondering whether that might be something to think about? I have applied myself, it’s very easy to do, and I think it can be really helpful at times like this when we might need some extra support - it’s just a thought. I’m willing to try it if it could help me through some of this grief.

Would it help to share memories of your parents? Some of us have shared memories on here, and I have found it makes a difference, to read what people write and also to share my own memories of my mum. It can be really hard, but I have found that it helps me remember some of the happier things about my mum, especially when all I feel so often is the sadness and the pain.

We are all here for each other, please keep posting and maybe sharing if that feels right for you - we can support each other through this xx

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Thanks joy so cause im not crying it doesnt mean im over losing them thenxxx

I think that’s right @Jillybean1 - I think the crying can come and go and sometimes it’s worse than others. I guess it’s going to take time to move through the grieving, and there are no helpful rules for how long that might take - it will be different for each of us. Trying to be kind to yourself while you are grieving, and taking care of yourself, are also important. It is really hard work, even when it doesn’t always feel like it, and it can be so tiring - look after yourself.

Nam xx

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