I like to read anything that inspires me to recover from the awful shock of my husbands unexpected death and I found this picture.
I know we all travel this road in our own way and visit these various points in our journey at different times and many times and with different intensities.
It helps me to know where I am on this map of sorts, so I thought I would post it and ask you all…
”where are you today?” I ask this in the hopes that recognising where you are will help you as much as this, and all of you here have helped me.
I’m so grateful for all the continuing support we have here.
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I’m between depression and testing I think. I’ve accepted he’s gone and that I need to find a way forward but I still have days and moments here and there that it hits me like a train. It’s the first anniversary of his death on the 24th so I’m aware that I’m feeling pretty highly strung at the moment but I’m just going with my feelings and not trying to avoid them.
I do have to stop myself thinking “this time last year we….” Because that really does wear me down and upsets me.
I’m getting more able to do the things that Tony would sort out i.e maintaining the house, sorting the car out etc even though that usually involves having to pay someone to come in and do it but at least I’m more practical about it now where as in the beginning I just felt panic.
I also have several hours at a time where I’m not totally consumed by my grief as well now but I am still completely exhausted - who knew grieving was so bloody tiring!
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Anger. Still a little shock and denial. But so angry all the time. It’s been 7 weeks without mum. Right now though I feel so angry all the time.
Nic x
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Thank you both for sharing that, I hope you find it helpful like I did. I know we are all still in pain.
As for me I think I still flutter between all the stages but I do recognise that I have my toes on the last step. It’s been five years for me and it’s been an indescribable struggle made worse because I never thought I’d be the one left behind. It’s a relief to know though that my lovely husband doesn’t have to suffer this agony.
Be kind to yourselves 
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Hi Daisyrose,
I think I’m more towards testing with the occasional depression. I always suspected my husband would leave first, he is alot older than me and had become unwell for the last few years of his life. It still doesn’t make it any easier.
It’s been thirteen months for me with out him, but as mrsa73 says it’s the tiredness and feeling weary all the time.
Love to you all 
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@Daisyrose hi daisyrose I’m between anger and testing. Everyday is so hard and tiring. I thought we had years before going through this. But I’m glad it’s me going through it and not my darling. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. It will be a year for me next week I’m dreading it. I don’t know how I’m going to get through that day. Love and hugs to all x
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Hi
I found myself a bit stuck in the depression so had to go and see my doctor. He has put me on antidepressants and have an initial consultation for counselling soon.
3 weeks in with the tablets and my mood has definitely lifted and my anxiety is much better. Hopefully I am moving to the next stage. It’s all really hard isn’t it ?
Xx
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Hi @Barbara61
Yes, it is very hard and especially so when we have what we think is a good day, or even a few good days and then find that we are experiencing something we thought we had worked through. This is why in my second post I said that I flutter from one stage to another sometimes. It’s as though (for me) I am getting to know myself as a different person now that I have such a different life that I certainly wouldn’t have chosen for myself.
I hope the counselling helps you Barbara, be kind to yourself, this can be a long journey.
I am so longing for acceptance.
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I said that to the doctor that I feel a different person. Anxious, no confidence and don’t know where I fit in with people and situations.
I did a group grief thing on zoom a couple of weeks ago and they said the pendulum can swing from the sadness to the restoration phase a lot but with time it will swing less. I could certainly relate to the swinging pendulum.
Xx
I seem to go through the first 5 all in one week sometimes, going back and forth in no particular order, its been 3 months since I lost my wife, I think I have moved on one day, then I have flash backs of the day it happened, and i am back to square one,the pain seems the same all the time though ,I long for the last one. Acceptance, But will always Love her and never forget the 50 wonderful years we were married Miss her so much ,Take Care x
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I don’t know where I am today as I prepare to go back to the place where we lived for such a long time. I feel like my emotions are up and down that scale like someone playing a fast tune on the piano.
I think these fluctuations are natural so I’m going to make myself a hot drink, give myself a gentle but firm talking to and settle myself down.
Love to you all as you travel this journey.
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I can relate 100/0 Today, I picked up my instrument up ( we were a professional duo ) and it was murder without his banjo playing, harmonies and sense of fun.
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Think I am fluctuating between bargaining and depression. I have had zero motivation to do anything this week. It’s a difficult journey that’s for sure. Wishing you all a peaceful evening 
x
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You took the words right out of my mouth, I too am so glad it’s my hell and not my sweet Angel. He suffered enough.
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Hi nicnic, I get this. I lost my mum to Alzheimer’s just before Christmas 2021. I’m still angry that we lost so many years with her and she lost so much of the last years of her life. If you needcto talk, please reach out x
Hi Kim,
My mum was sudden. Probably still in shock and mostly angry at myself for not realising something was seriously wrong. Just so cross at myself for going on about my life thinking all was well but it wasn’t. Thinking maybe I’d not be on this forum if I’d of done more or realised. Makes me feel like I let her down and let her die. I’m here if you need to reach out too xx