I lost my partner nearly six months ago now but it is not getting any easier. Today I have felt so isolated and despairing, the silence is deafening and nobody calls. Why should they? We used to do everything together and had no need for anyone else. Last week I went to the theatre - on my own - as we regularly did this. I put my hand on the chair next to mine where he would have been and felt a measure of comfort in doing this. Coming out of the theatre, I felt so alone and in utter despair and howled all the way home. He felt so near but wasn’t there. I shant do that again. There was so much togetherness in all our outings and everything we did and now I feel unable to do anything without painful reminders of how things were.
Yes, I know only too well. I thought about moving because of all the associations of my wife where we live, but no matter where you go you take yourself and your memories with you. Instead of trying to escape I decided to face the pain head on.
My wife died over 10 months ago and slowly, very slowly, I am coming to terms with loneliness.
I shied away from going to places we went to together, but now I am going although it’s still painful. I have realised that if I want any future peace I must try or sink into despair, which is no life at all. Nothing is ever easy in grief. Despair is giving up.
Giving in is different. It means you give in to the emotions. Let them come with the realisation that it is the process of grief. No bottling up emotions.
You howled all the way home. It’s OK, howl away, we all have done it. Releasing feelings in that way can only help.
I am sure he is there. My wife is here. It’s not possible to destroy love and those who truly love will never be parted. We should never judge by appearances.
Our vision as humans is extremely limited.
Take care and take it easy, well as best you can. I used to take it an hour at a time now it’s a day at a time.
I do see some light. Vague, but I know it’s there, and I try and walk towards it, not turn my back on it.
Give yourself more time. Bless you and be kind to yourself.
I have been lucky enough to make a couple of good friends through this forum - one who lives locally and we try and meet at least once a week. And one who lives too far away but we speak every day (sometimes for hours) on the phone. Yes we cry together but we laugh together too and understand completely how the other is feeling.
There is no facility through this forum really to make these one-to-one friendships but I have also joined another forum that does facilitate this - and there are meetings and theatre trips local to where you live. It is WAYUP - it originated from the Widowed and Young forum and the UP bit is for those of us over 50. Mind you I have not been brave enough to go to a meeting yet - but I am not ruling it out the quiz night one day soon. Like this forum there are discussion boards and depending on your state of mind their are different ‘rooms’. Being recently bereaved I tend to read the posts on the quiet room . I know I need to consider a different life to what I have had for the last 40 years with Gary and have considered evening classes too - but at least the WAYUP meetings are for people like us who have lost their partners. https://way-up.co.uk/
Trisha, thanks for the information on WAYup. Looks really good and look forward to exploring it when my application is approved.
Thank you for your kind and comforting words, Jonathan. Yes, I think they are nearby. I have a book which says, they are still there, it’s just the relationship has changed. There is so much we don’t know or understand, but why does it have to be such a mystery?
Thanks so much for your reply Trisha and the useful information. It’s good to know of another avenue of support. Take care.
Hi Trisha Thankyou for the details of Wayup. I have looked into it but felt the questions asked were too intrusive and numerous when I know nothing about this group. I’m a private person and don’t like having to put so much of my personal information on the website. I didn’t like the idea of having to go into detail about myself and Brian and how he died. Writing by choice is not too bad but it seems to be compulsory on Wayup Perhaps I will try again and see if I can get away with not putting personal details. However I am sure it will of great use to many people on this forum, so again many thanks for thinking of us.
“The ways of God are a mystery unto men”. OK, so it’s a religious quote but it has meaning, well to me. We just don’t know what is happening beyond our very limited vision. As humans we want answers to everything and so many things appear to be unanswerable. I say appear.
When you feel a breeze on your face you can’t see it but you know it’s there. One of your senses comes into play, feeling! But suppose there are more than those five senses. Some people can see what most of us can’t. My wife was psychic but rarely talked about it because as a child she was ridiculed. She saw so called ‘dead’ people as if they were alive. She was the most honest person I have known and would never lie.
There is a wonderful book about a boy who saw such things. He was branded as abnormal. “The Boy Who Saw True”. I think it’s still available on Amazon. We so often judge by appearances when we miss what is beyond. Someone who is colourblind will not ever be able to appreciate colour. You could sit all day trying to explain it but still they would have no idea.
So it is with Spirit. As to why it’s not made easy to understand! If, say five years ago you knew what was going to happen recently, you would have spent five years in anticipation and misery.
It’s good we don’t know. Every second that passes leaves one more second ahead that is untouched by events. It’s called the ‘now’. If we can live in the now and not anticipate life would be much easier. But, alas, in our present circumstances that is very difficult. This pain seems to override all sense. Thinking logically is nigh impossible. But the above is worth bearing in mind when we ask ‘why’?
Hi Jonathan. I ask why quite often …
I like your colourblind example. Thank you.
Thank you for your comforting words, Jonathan. I was only speaking to my neighbour the other day who had been to a psychic. She was just curious and kept her mind blank but the psychic told her about her deceased family, and could see even what they wore and what they would be doing regularly. There must be something beyond this material existence. I do have some books on the ‘now’ and other good reading so thank you for your enouragement.
Hi pat I to looked into way up as another avenue of support, but like you I found all the questions a bit to much so didn’t register, I am an outgoing person so not sure what held me back especially as I have found this forum so supportive. maybe like you I will look again later, take care Jan x
I have joined, it does ask for a lot of info but you can limit it. It’s very different so not sure if I’ll stay in or interact.