Hello everyone,
I need help and I don’t know where to start. I lost my father unexpectedly 1.5 years ago and things seem to get worse instead of better. He was dealing with cancer but we thought we still had time together. I went on a much needed mental health holiday in the US and he had a heart attack while I was away. I video called him that morning but I feel I never said goodbye. During that holiday I also fell in love for the first time in 38 years and I heard the first “I love you” and “Your dad passed away” minutes apart.
I’ve never been the same since then. Had to fly back to the UK and then to Eastern Europe within 24 h, and leave my boyfriend in the US not knowing when we were going to see each other again. I only had one week of bereavement from work and had to go back to the office straight away, they did not allow me to work from home. I have no family in the UK and going through that alone was not easy. Knowing mum was on her own in my home country was heart breaking. I couldn’t stand being in the office surrounded by strangers. I had changed my job less than 4 months before dad passed away and as it was a corporate job I wasn’t close to anyone yet. Was dreading to get out of bed in the morning knowing I had to pretend I was feeling ok. Was crying all the way there and back. Started having issues focusing while driving and I didn’t feel safe anymore. The only thing that kept me going was my boyfriend. After almost crashing my car twice during the commute and fearing I was putting people on the road at risk I decided to resign so I could have some space to grieve but that didn’t happen as my boyfriend decided to come here and we moved in together immediately. On of my managers from a previous job found out I had resigned and she asked me to go back to my old job. To sum up, within one year I changed job twice, moved house three times, changed town, fell in love, moved in with someone for the first time (and also found out that my life savings that I was planning to use to put in a deposit to buy my own place were basically frozen for an undetermined period of time because I had made a not so wise investment). I feel I didn’t have the time to grieve and honour my father. My boyfriend is absolutely wonderful. Not sure how things would have unfolded if I hadn’t had him by my side. But he had lost his wife and one of his parents days apart (both to cancer) so was still carrying his own grief when we first met. I didn’t want to be a mess around him. On the outside things look pretty settled now - we both work from home, we have a cute cat, we get along like we’ve been knowing each other from a past life and we just love our life together.
What no one can see is that I live in terror every day: hidden panic attacks that he may die suddenly like my father or he may get sick and I will lose him as he lost his wife. Fear that the peace of this moment will turn into pain. Fear that we will witness losing our cat. Fear of seeing him in pain if I get sick. Every beautiful moment is haunted by the thought that I will lose all this one day. His love, kindness and care remind me so much of how my dad used to look after me and although I am so grateful for this, it also feels painful.
I’ve never been like this, I used to be the strong and rational one in the family. I was the one lifting everyone up. I used to have such a strong belief that things will be ok, and even if they wouldn’t, I will just get through it. I don’t seem to be able to find that belief and strength anymore. I can’t get past my pessimistic thoughts. I started to wonder if perhaps I have some chemical imbalance and that’s why is so hard to fight my own thoughts.
So my question is, where do I look for help? I’ve been living in the UK for 10 years but never really used the GP as fortunately I haven’t had any health issues. But now it feels so hard to live with this version of myself, it’s like I don’t know who this fearful person is. Do I need therapy? Do I need medication? Do I just need to give myself two slaps, pull myself together and try harder to get over it? I really don’t know what to do. I’ve started having recurrent nightmares every night, that my dad is alive but ill and I am terrified at the thought that no treatment works and there is nothing I can do to prevent is death. He used to be the tough one in our family and seeing him in so much pain once the cancer had spread to his bones made me feel incredibly helpless. Could I have developed PTSD or this is normal behavior?
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you
1 Like
So sorry for your loss, just wanted to let you know that your not alone on here, i lost my beloved husband on 23rd November to cancer, i wasn’t eating or sleeping and after a few weeks i went to my doctors and was given antidepressants and sleeping tablets.
They help me sleep and ive slowly starting to eat again, i still cry all the time and feel like im struggling without him.