Where to start...I think I have PTSD

Aw crikey this is gonna be a tough one… And so much has happened so apologies in advance for the long text.
Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer stage 3a in July, 74 and had smoked all her life. She was always borderline for surgery but it was her decision and they finally agreed.
She was admitted Dec 20th for lobectomy, the day after I visited and they were planning on her coming home. Amazing, she’d smashed it I thought. I’d sorted my spare room for her to come stay during recovery (she was a cancer widow of 9 years) but everything changed so quickly. I was called on Dec 21st to say she had been moved to ICU for one on one monitoring and a tracheostomy and CPAP mask. Lots happened there including surgical emphasima following double lung collapse. That was especially tough and horrible to see. She saw me very upset. She also had ICU delerium. I was told next few days critical then. She batted on and went back to ward after 11 days in ICU. Even managed a few messages on her phone and a facetime with us. Thought she was doing well but then after another few days was taken back to surgery for a bronoscopy as they thought she was swallowing fluid into her lungs. It was horrific, like looking at her 2 weeks prior in ICU​:cry: the poor woman came back from that and then got an infection. They tried everything to save her , and actually overall her situation was improving. But Friday she told me she’d had enough and wanted to stop, she was back onCPAP and hated the mask, it made her panic and anxious. I was communicating on whiteboard with her as she couldn’t talk and they kept removing her hearing aids so she couldn’t hear much. Doctors wouldn’t let her refuse treatment as they thought there was still a clinical chance although I was stood there fighting her corner. She was such a strong woman I knew if she said enough then it must be. She was exhausted and wanted the mask gone. She’d gone through so much and at that point had 30 days in hospital. I tried to keep her spirits up but failed… miserably. It was downhill from there. Saturday she couldn’t write on the board and Sunday she was on her way out of the world still with this mask strapped to her face. I was furious, they didn’t give her the chance to decide herself and it was all really undignified on a ward setting, she couldn’t even squeeze my hand. Sunday night before midnight I was called to go in as blood pressure dropped. I asked to for palliative care to come see me but nobody was there and they said to keep her comfortable until the morning. Finally around 9am things started moving and palliative care arrived and intervened. She took her last breath at 12pm, literally as soon as they finally took that horrid mask off her face :sob: her consultant was really sweet and said she was remarkable for getting as far as she did and so determined but I can’t shake the fact I’m angry with the hospital for bit listening to her on Friday and dragging this out. My poor mum. I was already feeling traumatised myself from going through this with her, I’d been his r by her bedside every day. She’d beg me to to leave towards the end which was horrible… I’d say I need to go see to my daughter - which is another side issue, dealing with an 8 year old who missed me for 5 week as well as her nanna :cry: I was already quite traumatised by events and there’s something about the oxygen smell and the ICU experience that had me triggered. Today my husband took me for breakfast and I smelt something which took me back and completely made me ill. I ran to the bathroom and threw my guts up. She did only pass yesterday and I was awake for 40 hours overall seeing it through with her. But… That smell got me before yesterday too. How on earth do I begin to compute and overcome all this?! I’m such a strong person , however I’ve reached my limit. It feels more than bereavement - I’ve been there before with my dad 9 years back again to cancer… This feels bigger and much worse :cry: no idea what I need from this… Or where to start


hello leanne, i’m so sorry for your losses. the shock and stress of being a carer for your mum’s last 40 hours is taking its toll on you, mentally and physically. you must be a strong individual, mentally, to be able to do what you did for your mum. but, there’s a saying that mental strength has less to do with carrying on during a grieving process than it has to do with being able to let go. of course, it’s easier said than done. i hope you can find some peace of mind sharing on this site. my heart goes out to you.

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Hi , my mum passed 9 weeks ago , she had late stage alltzimers I cared for till the end , but now my memory and thought process seems to be getting worse , sleeping not great either ,has anybody suffered with PTSD