I lost my husband 4 years ago. We were married for 27 years. His first wife died from cancer. He had an adult family from his first marriage. There were 4 step grandchildren. Despite my kindness over the years, and always ensuring the wellbeing of my husband, I have not seen them since the funeral in 2020. They have unfriended me on Facebook, not sent Christmas or birthday cards and were critical of my every action during my husband’s final illness and death despite me following his wishes to a T. I thought they were my family. I am an only child and have no family of my own.
I needed to put my affairs in order and discussed this thoroughly with my 4 best friends, who all know each other.
These 4 friends agreed to become named next of kin and take on PoA. I have tidied my affairs and made everything as easy as possible for them. The 2 physically closest living friends were named Executors with the other two taking over should this fail.
Yesterday these 2 friends dropped the bombshell that, with their increasing age (we are all late 60’s) they did not want the responsibility of being Executor or having PoA. They told me to find a younger member of my family to take it on. Ha ha, who???
I feel like a rug has been taken from under my feet, let alone the cost and aggro it brings.
I am seeking legal advice, but not sure how what I thought was a special friendship can be salvaged.
Has anyone else been in a similar position? Thank you.
It’s upsetting to read that friends who you thought you could rely on have let you down just when you thought you had everything sorted.
Maybe put it all in the hands of the solicitor and in the meantime spend your money and live your life for yourself. Nobody else seems to be doing anything for you so why concern yourself about them?
I think we need to be our own best friends now.
Hello, I’ve been Executor & Power of Attorney, it’s stressful and at times complicated and you’ve got the fear that it’s such a legal responsibly that you must get it right.
So I’m not surprised that these friends have had second thoughts, I personally wouldn’t do either again.
Maybe try and see it from their point of view and remain best friends, I don’t think they have meant to hurt you they’ve just realised the enormity of it & realised it’s too much for them.
In respect of what now going forward…? A solicitor can be the executor & certain solicitors will act as power of attorney so that will sort these two points out, you’d have to re-do your will, you could include the solicitor dealing with the funeral & clearing your home & putting it up for sale etc…
Beneficiaries you could think of charities that strike a cord with you.
So there are solutions, once you’ve tied it all down you can carry on, making sure you treat yourself regularly
Thank you for your replies. I have been Executor three times and held PoA twice so also know what it’s like. There are 4 friends who hold this so I guess both are still valid because it’s jointly and severally. I’m seeking legal advice. No way would I have a solicitor act as PoA, only if I had great wealth, which I don’t!
Yes, I’m trying to see it from their point of view but at the moment I just feel rejected. They were also my named next of kin (of course this was all being recognised in my Will and they were due a large ratio of my estate) . Charities are also beneficiaries.
No problem rewriting the Will as I can add solicitor as Executor. My other two friends are happy to continue.
What hurts is they said they would never have agreed to being Executor in the first place whereas I know it was fully discussed, even to the point of knowing where the Will was kept.
I can sort out the practicalities, it’s the fact the friendship has been damaged and I’m feeling sorry for myself that I’m struggling with. I treat myself often …
Hi
I am in the same position as you as I have no family. I have made my solicitor as executor of my will but what really bothers me is having a medical power of attorney as if anything happens to me I have nobody to advocate for me. It’s a real worry. If I had a stroke or something there is nobody to look after me. What do people do in a situation like this? Forgot to add I have several friends but they are all older than me?
Thistle, your will is fine as you have alternate Executors/Executrixes named therein. Tell the alternates that the first 2 have dropped out and so now they step up in line. Educate them on your estate as you did the first 2. You do not have to change your will.
You will have to prepare a new POA and have it notarized.
Also, if you choose, you can type up a new will exactly like the old one, excluding the first named friends, and take it to be notarized. Most notary offices have staff to be witnesses. Should be very little cost - the price of a notarial stamp.
Personally, I do not advise you to name 2 executors/executrixes. Name one and the other as an alternate. Having 2 people just causes problems as one will no doubt perform more tasks than the other and it can cause friction.
Can’t say I blame your friends for not wanting to take on the estate, it is time consuming and stress inducing, especially since they don’t know what they are doing and it will require them to hire an attorney to prepare the documents for court. I am an retired trial lawyer in the US, but other than format, wills are wills.
I am sorry that after 27 years of being their step-mother these “adults” have abandoned you. Such dreadful people!
Here in the US, the Executor/Executrix fee is 3-6% of the gross estate. I don’t know what it is in the UK, but it could serve as an incentive for the friend to handle the estate.
You’re good, don’t stress. It is just another bump in this long road.
Lyn, talk to your physician and pastor to see if they would be willing to serve as medical POA. It is scary when we have no one to look after us should we become incapacitated.
I suggest an insurance policy for long term care which will pay for nursing assistants to care for you at home.
I have access to a free legal helpline and I contacted them here today in the UK. My friends are husband and wife. The will states that my other 2 friends step up if the first 2 do not want to be involved. The lawyer also said my first 2 friends could just delegate the work to my solicitor, and he would deal firmly with any difficult situation arising from my stepfamily.
The PoA is also signed by all 4, jointly and severally so can stay the same, just ignoring the first 2.
The other 2 friends are rock solid and happy to continue as things are.
Yes, I too worry about who is there for me should I have a stroke or whatever. We all so need support and love around us.
I would be happy to support a friend in a similar position, it’s called caring for each other.
Thanks for your lovely reply. Sadly you can’t even get to see a GP now in the UK let alone them act as a poa.
I am thinking of asking a friend but it’s a big responsibility for them. Hopefully I just drop dead without needing any looking after lol
Hi
Yes it’s the National Health Service, NHS and is free but yes we pay taxes to support it. It was the best health service in the world but it’s been used, abused, mismanaged and understaffed. It’s surviving by the skin of it’s teeth (as we say in the UK) but the service is fairly bad depending on where you live
I am in exactly the same position. No family left, partners children are useless and disappeared shortly after they got their dad’s stuff. I redo my will periodically and am struck by how much things change. When I first did mine in my 30s, it was easy to find executors and POA’s. After my partners passing I had to rethink all of it, as the people named previously are all 60 and up. Didn’t make sense to rename them. And so I started looking through my relationships outside family, whether they be dog rescue associates, community service friends, old workmates or people I’ve mentored. Considered their skillsets and went from there. It was not an easy task, however I spoke to each personally, asked them what they thought, what would they do and if I was satisfied with their thought process, took it from there. The latest iteration has people that are 20 years younger as primarys - social worker who will be Health POA, financial planner who will be executrix/financial POA. My previous designates are named as secondaries, and all else failing my lawyer (or his firm) are designated as the fallback. Hard to do, but necessary.
I do not have close friendships with anyone who could take on that for nothing as it is huge ask as I know it. Doesn’t seem fair when solicitors charge huge fees. How could they seriously commit to all that freely when no offer of payment. I know as ny husband helped me sort out my mother and he had loads expenses and was 20 years younger then
