We were married for 53 years. Weeks before our golden wedding anniversary my husband told me he had never loved me and married me because I would be good for his career. He died in January this year and I don’t know if I am mourning his death or my lifetime of stupidity.
Why am I crying every day? Is it for him or me.
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@bcf I’m so sorry that must’ve been awful to be told that. It’s not surprising you don’t understand your feelings at the moment. I’m sure it’s a mixture of grief for the person you’ve lost but also the life that you shared but not understanding what that meant to your husband.
I really wish I knew what to say but maybe at some point it might be helpful to talk to someone professionally to help you work out how you’re feeling. For now be really kind to yourself, if you’re upset let the emotion out, don’t be hard on yourself you’ve had a lot to deal with.
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@bcf - welcome to our little family of grievers. You have come to the right place, and while none of us really wants to be here, we are all glad we are, because it is the place we can honest, we can share the lows, the highs and all the bumps in the road in between. My friend, it sounds to me as though you have suffered a double, massive loss. 53 years of marriage is a very long time, time you would have been woven into each other’s lives really tightly. You were dealing with a huge revelation from your husband before a hugely significant milestone in your marriage - that would have been a big enough blow on its own. And then, this year, he died. Partner-loss is so tough, as we lose a big part of ourselves in the process. You are not, and you were not, stupid. You were in a relationship you had every reason to be believe was a close and loving one. You have done nothing wrong. You are crying every day because you are grieving for the man you thought you were married to all that time, for the life you had and the life you now have. All of it is hard but, while getting some professional help is a wise move as @Lucy55 suggested, maybe take a pause, take a moment, to look up.
As with all loss, it is an end but also, a beginning. For me, losing Tom was shocking, ghastly, brutal. I felt I died when he died. We died, Tom-and-me died in that moment - and I, me, alone, standing on my own two feet, was born. Me, taking all the decisions, me making it all happen. Me, in the driving seat, literally, for the first time in a very, very long time. It was tough, but gradually, my friend, gradually, I got to the point where I feel not only ok, but good most of the time. I like having the freedom to choose (not that Tom was a domineering man in any way). I like shaping my days, my weeks, my year as I choose. So, if you can, maybe look in the mirror, and say to yourself, as I did, with a wobbly voice, I am me. I can do this. I can re-start, re-fresh my life and choose where I go from here. You are stronger than you think and braver than you know, even if you don’t think you are in this moment. You are. And you have friends on here that care about you. Hold tight x
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Hello, I’m wondering if these words were said when there was an argument it disagreement? Hurtful things are often said in anger?
I don’t think anyone would stay in a marriage this long to further their career, as for never loving you this sounds like it was said to hurt you?
I would ignore what was said & just think about the times you spent together, the laughter, the mutual support, the lives you shaped together, actions are what’s true, words even though said doesn’t mean the person believes them who said them!
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There was no argument and when he told me a few weeks later “I am really quite fond of you” that summed it all up.
I also found out he had affairs when he was away on business.
I’m devastated for you @bcf and I understand the double whammy that you are dealing with and the endless questions you must have that will never be answered. I found out something after my partner died that made me question everything. He also died in January this year. I had loads of questions but they will never have an answer and I’ve had to let it go or it will destroy me. I do however know he loved me and I felt loved.
I can’t believe that he stayed with you for 53 yrs and didn’t love you or purely saw you as a career move. I don’t know him but I’m sure in all those 53 years of making a life with you, if he wasn’t happy he would have left.
All our situations are unique but I would strongly urge you to let go of what you can’t get closure on. You are dealing with two shocks, the shock of what he said and the shock of his death. Each in their own is devastating.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
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@Vancouver what an inspirational post. Thank you for this. I feel what you have written and could have written this myself. I remember feeling so guilty for the fact that I enjoyed making my own decisions and being totally in control and not having to think about someone else when making a decision.
I miss us but as you said, ‘we’ died with him, its ‘me’ now.
I’ve had a really crap day today, the hardest in a while but I’m doing ok. I will be ok x
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Oh dear, your still entitled to grief for him and yourself and the life you built together.
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Hi @bcf . I think many of us (well me, anyway) look back at our 50 year relationships and try to re-evaluate what happened. 50 years is a long time to.keep perfect. Somethings we manage to make sense of, somethings we dont.
What I tried to do was refuse to let anything contaminate the rest of my life, continually revisiting the past and let it hurt me again and again.
So only grieve the change in your own life, you owe it to yourself. Good luck. Be happy as soon.as you can.
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@Ali29 - thank you for being with me on this very long road. You and me, we have got this thing. We walk through all weathers, sunshine, rain, wind, sleet, hail, thunder and lightening. And we keep going. Thank you x
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