Why aren't I getting any better?

It was 5 months ago since I lost you. And yet I don’t feel I have made any improvements. I wake up each day still in denial that you are gone, I find myself getting angry when I remember why you are gone, find myself depressed when I overthink about it and find myself begging you’ll just come home. I have trauma from seeing your body when we went to see you after we found out. I recently saw a prosthetic hand and had a panic attack because it looked dead and I was right back into that room with you. I remember seeing you, I remember stepping away from your body when everyone else just wanted to be with you I just wanted to run away. Granted I kissed your forehead and held your hand but I still remember stepping back horrified and it haunts me. I remember your cold pale hands and grey finger tips. Why won’t the pain just go away? Some days I find myself just stook in bed, messy room, dirty hair, unchanged sheets. Then other days I get glimpses of happiness and the rest of my body tells me to feel guilty for this. My heart feels heavier each day the more it sets in. I fear people will stop understanding that I am hurting and treat me as they did before because I am not ready for those high expectations and for everyone to think that I am okay. I am still holding on for you to come home and no one gets that my head knows this is impossible but my heart believes it more then I believe in my own being. Everyone tells me this is just apart of my age too. I’m a young, hormonal teenager and that it’s only going to hit harder in this age because of this. But I loved you so much that it hurts to breath knowing your last breath ended months ago and you died alone. I find myself entirely alone all the time. My mum got a boyfriend after he died, my brother (21 now) got a girlfriend and has his friends over all the time. My brother gave up his job, while my mum is on bereavement leave. I went straight back into college and went into my college placement again. I’m in 5 days a week and only left with my evenings and my weekends to grieve. This doesn’t include my time for my coursework. I’m also struggling to find a job and I just feel so lost. I need a friend to speak to but no one understands how it feels, and they just shut it down. One friend after I ranted to her about everything literally said, “I think I’m going to wear purple tomorrow.” I feel like no one understands it even if they are experiencing it. I just love you so much. Its hard to grieve your oldest brother. I weren’t just his little sister. We had a 9 year age difference. I was his baby sister. And now my world makes no sense without him. Who’s going to jump on me, push me in pools on holiday, bribe me with food to help clean his car, drive me around looking for icecream, buy or make me milkshakes, ask me how my day was even though theyd never really listen, give me stupid nicknames, act overprotective, take me for meals and make fun of me but encourage me to get up a hill. I didn’t realise how much I loved you till you were ripped away. I wish I remembered more of you. Because I really really love you. Now you will never get to see me turn 18, turn 21, I will outlive you in 8 years. Well you may see, but never by my side. You will never see me get married, make my own career or meet your neices or nephews. Our mum will never meet the children you could have had and I will never of met my nephews or neices you could have had. My grandparents outlived their first grandchild. Life will never be the same again and I’m finding it so unbearably hard to find a way to cope.

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Hi, hear and feel your pain. We don’t know about grief until it hits us like a steamroller and then it’s to late, it’s flattened us. You are you and we are all different so your grieving is different but the pain we all feel. I don’t know if you have thought of counselling but the college will be able to help you on that and then there’s web sites that deal with the loss of siblings. I would like you to think of getting personal help so you can get your life back into some kind of order. Please take care yourself and be kind to yourself. S xx