I lost my dad quite suddenly after he was taken into hospital for urgent bowel surgery after suffering a blocked bowel. We got the message from my mum and we travelled straight there to see him. Surgery wasn’t great and they had to stop because his heart rate etc was too bad. He ended up on ICU in an induced coma to help his body recover and once it was safe enough to continue the surgery 48 hours later they did so. Surgery went well and they gave him an ileostomy. He was doing really well. We had stayed by his bedside most of the time, then travelled home as we lived 4 hours away as he was awake and talking and seemed quite settled. ICU team were so pleased with his recovery they said if he continues he’ll be back on a ward sooner than thought. Couple of days later we got a call from my mum to say the hospital had called and he had gone downhill really quick and to get there asap. We made the trip back up very late on the Sunday night not knowing what to expect. We got to be with him as he quickly deteriorated and went into multiple organ failure. He passed away Monday morning.
Myself, my sister and my daughter and granddaughter were all there with my mum while he passed.
I feel I took the lead protecting role looking after my mum as my sister couldn’t cope and had to go for a walk. I also had to make sure my daughter was ok and protect her as she was also pregnant at the time.
To this day even as the funeral I haven’t been able to release my feelings and despite numerous occasions I feel I want to I just can’t let it go. I feel numb I suppose. Even going to visit his gravesite with my mum and seeing her cry I can’t let go. I talk to my mum every day and check on her to see how her day was. I just can’t seem to let my emotions flow. I came to the point where I had so much going on I had to stop. My body wanted to stop. I had no more energy. I was making mistakes at work.
Can anyone offer any advice on how to let go of this build up? Thank you for reading. It’s such a long message I know.
Hi @Munchkin7
I’m so sorry it sounds such a shock for you. I can hear how difficult this has been. When my mum died last year apart from a few tears at the time and at the funeral, I couldn’t cry. I was so sad but could not have a good cry. I think I was shocked and numb. Over the last few months the tears have flowed more. I noticed you mentioned how you protected your family. So maybe you haven’t had the opportunity to really let it out. I don’t think you can force it. Your body and mind will act together and in time you may see the tears flowing. Take care of yourself as best as you can 
Thank you for your kind words. I hope that you find some peace yourself too 
. Take care
Keep posting on the site if you find it helps you @Munchkin7. I have found it so helpful as people on the site understand Best wishes to you
Hello, @Munchkin7 I’ve just joined the community site and read your post. It feels like I could have honestly wrote it myself as I am feeling exactly the same. I lost my mum suddenly 2 months ago and felt the need to hold everyone up as her passing was quite traumatic. I have not been emotional either and almost feel like there is a block stopping me from feeling upset. I don’t know if you feel the same but I really just feel angry at lots of things at the moment. I’m going to try counselling next week. Will share if they give me any good tips.