My husband died July 2018 after only 5 days in hospital. We had no idea that he had cancer, and neither did he as he was not in any pain, which is a blessing. Apart from feeling grief I feel so guilty for two reasons. 1 - was there more I could have done and 2 - I was not with him at the end as the hospital never once mentioned how serious things were and never phoned to say we needed to be there. There is not a day goes by when I don’t feel some type of guilt. I don’t know how to move on.
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02/09/2018 Was the day that John died. I have spent too much of the time since feeling guilt. Guilt because I should of made him go to the doctors earlier. Guilt because I was mowing the lawn when John died. Now I know , when I think logically 1. John had refused flatly to go to the doctors and 2 we were told that he was much better and would be out of the hospital in the next few days. So I rushed to do the lawn before my visit.
It’s very hard to do but I try to put aside what I can’t change. It doesn’t always work but now I can think about the 41 years of marriage, lot of good times and of course a few not so good but I wouldn’t change any of it.
Hard I know but try to accept that you are not guilty of anything.
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Hi there Brocc, you are not alone but don’t beat yourself up, we all suffer from guilt. I have heard of others who had not been contacted by the hospital and was therefor denied being with their loved one at the end. This is terrible and I don’t think the hospital staff realise just how heartbreaking this is for you. Why not try writing to the hospital, it won’t change your situation but it might make them treat other family members with respect. I would not let my husband even go to the hospice in case something like this happened. I kept him at home and cared for him single handed and we was together at the end. However I have since found out that he had been taking medication that I had no knowledge of. I found empty packets in his wardrobes, in cases and recently in the garden shed. Now I feel I let him down as he knew my dislike for medication and constantly told me he hadn’t been given any. He knew I would have been asking questions about the drugs. Deep down I know he was protecting me but the guilt nags at me. I don’t know whether to be annoyed with him or apologise for being no support. I too wonder if there was more I could have done, did I care for him well enough, should I have let him go to the hospice etc etc etc. I do hope you will find some peace soon.
Hi, thank you for your thoughts. Everybody tells me it gets better as time goes by. If I close my eyes I can’t see his face and that makes me feel panicky. I never thought it would be like this. I keep myself busy during the day but evenings and weekends are the worst.