Hi all. I have read and commented on many conversations and I now feel brave enough to admit how I feel
I feel sad, I miss my husband and would love him to walk back in the door, I cry when something triggers me, but most of the time, 3 months after he died, I feel ok.
After reading many of your posts I feel like I’m not grieving enough, although I do know that we all grieve differently. I miss doing things with him and we were together a lot of the time, but I’m wondering if it’s because we also spent time apart, he volunteered at one museum, I volunteered at another one. I would go out with the “girls” and had small breaks with my friends. I have even made new “widow friends” who I meet for coffee. He had his motorbike friends who I didn’t really know. I have a much bigger social circle than my husband and they, and my family ( I have a large extended family who all came to his funeral ) have been amazing helping and supporting me
So am I normal or am I about to explode one day.?
When I was working, my assessments said I had amazing “resilience “ I have luckily never had any mental health issues and I don’t feel depressed. I suppose I am just grieving in my own way, and I hope he would be proud of me, holding the family together. Just looking for reassurance that it’s ok to be ok (we were together 43 years, married for 40 - I met him when I was 17)
Hi @Recentwidow, I am sorry you have lost your husband and find yourself on this forum, you are perfectly normal, there are so many different ways that people will grieve, you are very early into this journey and you are very lucky to have so many friends and family that will support you, this does have a positive impact, so many on here are virtually on their own and that makes things so hard, I lost my wife almost 7 months ago and I have a “handful” of people who can support, out of that handful 2 have been through this and they are the only ones that understand your situation as do the majority of people on here.
The early months can be the worst but you are also involved in what is referred to as “sadmin” (the paperwork) and also the funeral of course however, later on when this has been largely dealt with time can start to weigh heavily and you can start to go over things again and again, I find that the initial rawness and distress is less than it was but I have times of a lot of just sadness and tears so be aware that things do change but they are all normal, some are worse for others and some not, you will see this from the posts on here, you will grieve as you want to grieve, there is no normal or proper way, it is just what you want to do and nobody can tell you what to do.
Take care, look after yourself and do not be afraid to post on here, whatever it is someone will be familiar with what you are going through - good or bad!
I would say to you that you can be proud of yourself, and your husband definitely would be, too.
Reading a lot of posts here I can see how unhealthy it is to put all your eggs in one basket. So many couples just spend their time together and say that they don’t need anyone else, living in a make-believe world where nobody dies and is left alone. It will happen, as we know.
I saw my mum widowed at the age of 42, and vowed that I would never be a helpless female who thinks that only men can do certain jobs.
I have also always had my own interests. S sometimes didn’t like me going away for breaks and holidays without him, but he only ever hinted at this once; I told him that unless he took time off work and came with me, I would continue, and I did. I have always been a free spirit, and it has made me stronger and resilient. You sound the same.
Don’t get me wrong, I still cry every day, hate being alone and without a special person in my life. And the love we shared was incomparable to anything I have experienced before.
All the best, and try not to give a monkey’s what anyone else thinks.
Hear ! Hear!
It is really helpful and encouraging to get a range of posts.
I did fall into the trap of being happy with our world. That was stupid of me because I had already been widowed once and I swore I would never let myself become reliant again. But, for various reasons I did.
However, I try really hard to not sink into the swamp of despair because I know how difficult it is to climb out.
I have made lots of widowed friends, some on here and some in the real world. I also retained friends from the last time. That was by email and phone calls, but I have now started meeting some of them again.
I forced myself to join a Tai Chi class, not really my thing usually, but I am so glad I did. It turns out that most of the ladies there are also widowed.
So, in my personal experience I would say that trying to remain positive when life is miserable is the way forward.
It is undoubtedly very difficult and sometimes seems impossible, but most worthwhile things are hard.
Everyone’s grief is different and personal. We all have different problems on top of the obvious one of losing our loved partner.
But I absolutely refuse to be defined by being widowed for the rest of my life. One lost life on that horrible day was more than enough.
Sending love and strength to everyone.
Xx
We were much the same. John had a boat and did a great deal of sailing in the summer, and I go to a lot of writing groups and meet-ups with friends, many of whom he had never met. Of course we did many things together, but also had our separate lives. But it made our time richer in the evenings, as we had different experiences to share. John died a year ago next Sunday. I’ve found the last year terribly difficult and heartbreaking, and I’m having to cope with lots of problems now he’s gone, but I think it has helped that I have lots of sensible and caring friends who have rallied round, brought me hot meals and hugs, and got me out of the house. My heart is broken, but I’m slowly learning to cope on my own, I think. I hope.
Thanks everyone for your comments, I feel better now I know other have felt similar to me. I do miss him everyday but I know he isn’t coming back and I need to carry on now, without him. I do have many good friends and our daughters have been amazing. We always thought it would be me that went first as I have multiple health issues, so this life is now not plan A or even plan B, it’s probably plan z. But I do have a plan z so I hope I will get through this . I will with all of you helping me too xx