Why do I feel so much worse?

My partner died 9 weeks ago. I have been here reading other posts - at first finding them too sad - but gradually beginning to find comfort from reading about what other people have been through - feeling the same as me. I started to feel a bit better - I started to go out and see people - started to plan little trips away. But last week I seemed to go completely mad.

There is extensive building work going on in the house next door which started about the same time as my partner died. I have managed to ignore it - but last week I went out and ranted at the builders, the architect and sent angry texts to the owners - who have moved out while the house has been turned into a building site. I ended up ringing Samaritans at 6.00 in the morning and realised I have poured all my grief into anger about the building work next door.

I think I am now - for better or worse - more in touch with my grief and to be honest I just don’t want to be here any more. I am so good at trying to plan my way out of this - but it’s just not working.

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Jaydel,
Sorry for your loss.
It is understandable what you are going through and feeling.
You have actually summed it up. In my non professional opinion, I would say it’s late grief.
I don’t have all the answers but being on here helps me

Dear Jaydel

I am 10 months into this horrible journey and to be honest feel the same or sometimes worse than the day I was told my husband had not survived the crash. I think I am stuck in anger so have reached out and am waiting for counselling. My anger is directed towards my husband and his motorbike but predominantly my husband. I feel he has abandoned me for what a stupid machine which never comes out the winner when there is a collision involved. He had so much to look forward to - a little grandson, another on the way at the time of the accident and our retirement plans. I really don’t know how he could have done this to our family - seeing our kids suffer is just unbearable. I don’t care about me but there is no fixing our kids pain on this occasion.

Your right, I think grief makes us fixate on particular things and I suppose we have to try and work around them - says she who doesn’t feel that I can ever forgive my husband. I have rang the Samaritans in the early hours to have my rant on the subject.

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Hi Jaydel
Reading your posts shows me where I’m at with my grief…four weeks today and…ahhhhh !
Yeah pain, pain,dispair, pain,emptiness…all of it and tons more, heap it on, I can take it, brave face it, then Bang…you crumble, don’t matter where, who’s around, nothing you just go…
Happened to me today at work in front of all my work mates…Sh!te.!
I’m normally the go to guy, the old head, been there done that, Younger men at work have respect for me…Strong, a leader in dark/hard times, normal bloke I am, just like listening rather than talking all the time.
But I’m lost, totally lost.
I feel your pain, and know coming on this site and interacting with people that are going through the same thing will bring me out of this never ending crushing physical pain and torment that we on this site find ourselves in.
Stay strong, for all of us.
Foggy

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I was thinking exactly the same after 10 months without my husband. I feel worse now than I felt months ago. I Googled and it came up with a very rational explanation that has calmed me down. Looking back I realise that at first I was numb from shock, busy with arrangements, supported by friends and family, supporting my adult children and holding it together to get them through it, but all these things diminish over time. Shock has turned into grief, daily routines have turned into boredom, friends and family contact less often (and in the case of some, never), children still show their grief but seem to expect me to have moved on, I am hopeful that I will be able to cope better in time but right now I’m at a very low ebb. Reading that it is a normal reaction helps.

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Hi Eagle 1. Reading your post I can identify with everything you say. It’s just over 7 months since I lost my beloved husband but it feels so much worse now. Mind you, memories of the first 7 weeks or so are a haze now. I think I just shut down. We were in lockdown so nobody visited me and I didn’t go out at all. I don’t remember how I passed the days, how I got out of bed. I don’t think I even so much as ran a brush through my hair. I recall my phone would be going crazy with message alerts and would ring all the time but I couldn’t speak to anybody. Now, 7 months later, after I’ve somewhat climbed out of that hole, I find hardly anybody calls. I can go days without speaking to anybody. When I am in the company of others I tend to put on that face we do to make others think we’re okay. I sense I need to do this even for my grown up and married kids as it’s not fair to drag them down to my level. After all, they are also dealing with their own personal grief. I think the numbness in the early days somehow acts as a shock absorber for us as you need to somehow get through the arrangements, funeral etc. I also suspect that like lots of others on here I had to be strong when my beloved was still in this world as I was caring for him and revolving my world around him. You just keep plodding on, then suddenly that person that filled your days and nights is gone and It’s just you. “Be strong” is what people tell me all the time. My question is how long do you have to be strong? I’ve been told this for the last 8 years, when he was first diagnosed with his condition. I continued being strong, even though it rocked my world. I didn’t even tell my kids how I felt. I would hide myself away every day and cry my eyes out, then splash cold water on my face and go on showing that “strong face” to the world. But how do you keep fighting on when there’s no fight in you? Now he’s gone I’m physically and mentally exhausted. Not only am I drained from the 8 years of worrying about him and looking out for him but I’m also drained by this never ending tidal wave of grief that takes you for all you’ve got. All I can see for the future is going through the motions of living but not really living. Life will never be the same, that’s a certainty. I wish everyone well on here and hope they can find some kind of comfort on their own personal journey through the grief.

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Dear Sakinah

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I can relate to the phone calls and contact shrinking although I do have three constant friends who call me weekly and I go round to see my grandsons almost everyday. If I am being honest, I immediately delete any text that I receive where it tells me to ‘stay strong’. If they bothered to call they would know there is no strength, it has been consumed by the grief and tears I shed for my husband. Taken tragically in a motorbike accident.

Like yourself I can go days without speaking to anyone - these tend to be days when our grandsons are spending time with their other grandparents. This past weekend was one of these occasions and I just cried constantly, the emptiness of the bungalow drew in and the coldness that I felt when my husband first died returned. Like Eagle1 I am now approaching 11 months and certainly our son appears to think that I should be showing some signs of ‘progress’. I don’t attempt to answer him anymore on this subject because I know that after being with someone over 42 years there will be no ‘progress’ until we are reunited.

Take care and sorry you find yourself on this road.