Why do I feel so sad today?

My beautiful mum passed away on the 5th April - she was diagnosed with lymphoma on the 28th February and originally we thought chemotherapy would be an option. On the 11th March we were told her body wouldn’t sustain high dosage chemo but a low dose may be possible. On the 31st March we were told that nothing could be done and that we should expect about 3months with mum. We came home from hospital and began to plan some nice days out for when the crisis was over and lockdown lifted. She was so brave - much braver than me - and seemed to be looking forward to just spending time with her great grandchildren. That night she developed a high temp and on the advice of her consultant we rang for an ambulance. She never came home again and I can’t forgive myself for that. I think I should have coped better and looked after her myself and then maybe her final days would have been at home where she desperately wanted to be. The two weeks since she went have been a blur but I thought I was doing ok . Today though I woke up and it was like it had just happened again. I just keep crying and can’t see that this sadness will ever go away. I really feel like my heart is going to break. I’m supposed to be doing a reading at her funeral on Monday but I’m not sure I can do it now. I don’t know why I’m feeling so bad today and I think I just want to know that I’m not going mad.

Hi Jus you are not going mad. The grief will come in waves. I lost my mum last July only 3 weeks after a lung cancer diagnosis… I didnt compute any of it. I felt so stupid and guilty that I didnt handle things better. I dont know what I thought really I just went with the flow and when she passed away it suddenly hit me that how poorly she had actually been. It sounds stupid just saying it. Then the dark thoughts and nightmares followed. I was in a nightmare all thr time. So ni you are not going mad. You are grieving and that completely messes with hiw your brain processes information. I hope you find the strength to do your reading. But if you cant dont worry. Be kind to yourself . The pain and sadness j know is unbearable. Cry, scream if you need to. Sending you warm thoughts xx

Thank you Mosie and I’m so sorry for your loss too - I feel like I’m the only person going through this at times but then I read the posts in this forum and realise that there are so many of us going through the exact same thing and that brings me some comfort - not that other people are suffering - but just that there are people who understand what it feels like .
I will try and do the reading and if I break down then so be it. My mum always said that we should just try our best at things so that’s what I’ll do.

Thank you and sending all my best to you xx

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Hello All,

Just wanted to respond and say I feel the same!
My dad passed away on March 11th and my mum three years ago and I’m really struggling at the moment. We also had a funeral where only around 5 people could make it and we had to maintain social distancing.
I’m actually dreading the end of the lockdown and going back to my normal routine as it isn’t normal anymore-even when my dad was well I would visit many times a week after work, we would go walking at the weekends, sit in the garden and watch the sun set in the summer.
I’m also due to get married in August and that I’ll be doing it without my parents.
Sending lots of love and warm wishes to you all. Xxx

Hi Jus,

Firstly, I wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling as I lost my beautiful mum only a day after you, 6th April. Similarly to your mum, we were told mum could have radiotherapy but then when it came to the first day of treatment, the side effects were too much for her body to handle and we were told she would only have 2 weeks to live. This all happened within 6 weeks from cancer diagnosis.

Having everything happened so quickly and in the middle of this pandemic, it’s a lot to cope with and get my head around. It still doesn’t feel quite real and I can’t bring myself to speak the words that mum has died. I feel like everything has been paused and I’m not sure whether I want normality to resume as we will feel that something is really missing. I’m sure you feel pretty similar. All we can do is be kind to ourselves and remember how beautiful and amazing our mum’s were. The only thing easing any pain right now is looking at pictures and videos of us as a family. Hope it gets easier for us both.

Take care

Jess

I’m so sorry for your loss it’s just heart breaking isn’t it and even harder because of the current restrictions. Living so far away must be hard too but your mum was able to blow you a kiss so try and keep that picture in your mind. Your mum knew you loved her and that’s what counts and please don’t pay any attention to people who are disapproving now. You have to do what’s right for you and grieve in your way. Mum’s service is on Monday and there will be five of us there but I know her extended family and friends will be thinking of her and hopefully remembering happy times.

I think the feelings of guilt about their final days will stay with us for a long time but our lovely mums would want us to remember how much we loved each other all of our lives.

Take care and be kind to yourself xxx

Hi Victoria and I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad especially so soon after losing your mum . Your post made me smile when you talk about the things you did with him it sounds like you had such a lovely relationship and in time I’m sure it’s those lovely memories that will comfort all of us - I’m just struggling at the moment because it’s the bad memories of mum’s final days that are blocking out everything else.

It’s so very sad that you’ll be getting married without your parents being there physically but I’m sure they’ll be at the forefront of your mind every day.

Take care of yourself xxxx

Hi Jess and I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum.

Reading your post has brought me some comfort as what you’ve said is exactly how I’m feeling.

I think it’s the speed at which things have happened that is so hard to come to terms with and that there was absolutely nothing we could do about it. It feels like someone has just wrenched my heart out of my chest the pain is unbearable.

I can say the words - that mum has died - but I’m still not sure I really believe it. Like you I’m dreading the world getting back to normal because my world will never be normal again.

Thank you so much for replying to my post - I’ve found using this site a real comfort and I hope it helps you to know that you’ve made me feel a little bit better at such an awful time.

Please look after yourself and take care xxxx

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Welcome to all our new members, this is a group which nobody wanted to join, it is heartbreaking being bereaved, all our members are in the same boat, please tell us about your loved ones who have passed.
Of course this is not compulsary (sp) it does help,
Stay safe,
Blessings
MaryL x

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Yes, I completely understand. The last few months with my dad were quite traumatic and it’s these things that I think of at 3am when I can’t sleep as things are whizzing round my brain!
I hope that over time you will begin to heal, everything is so fresh and raw at the moment.
Look after yourself xx

Hi jus
You are perfectly normal in the way you are feeling and you are doing so well considering your mum only died this month. My mum died very suddenly in june. One day she was fine (she had a mini stroke on the 2md june but was discharged from hospital on the 7th june with instructions to take medication for about 12 months) on the 13th june she said she felt funny down one side whilst at the hospital for an appt, then she became unconscious and never woke again. She died the following day.
I am still not over the shock 10 months later.
You will get through Monday and you will do the reading fine. I did the reading at my mums funeral. I look back now and I wonder how I didn’t collapse but the strength comes from within.
Its later after the funeral and the paperwork and probate that the pain often comes when everyone has gone back to their lives.
Good luck with it and i will be thinking of you.
Cheryl x

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I feel guilty that i put my mam in a care home

Hi Jeeny, my advice is don’t. Did she need care you couldn’t provide? I’m guessing yes. You did what was best for your mum. I get these feelings of guilt sometimes… should’ve done this or that. I doesn’t matter anymore. You loved your mum. That’s the important thing. Take care. Xxx

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