Why do I put myself through this?

I lost my wonderful adored husband 12 weeks ago and it has ruined my life. My family is wonderful but when I am here at home on my own, I miss him so much it physically hurts. . I have just played “there you’ll be” by Faith Hill and now I am a wreck! Why do I put myself through this? It’s not as though crying helps at all. I am an idiot.

Hello Ann

It’s a natural thing to do and there’s nothing wrong with it so please don’t be hard on yourself. I look at old pictures and reread old texts often and it always leaves me a mess but you can’t help it. I think we’d be inhuman if we just “get a grip” as I’ve recently been advised to do.
In a way we need to do it, we need to get it out, relive memories and songs and places because if we don’t, we are just bottling things up which is the worst thing to do. I believe a day will come when we don’t need to do it but we have to get there xxx

1 Like

Sorry for you loss i lost my partner 12 weeks ago this last couple of weeks ive been struggling i go through my phone re read msgs look at photos and thats me im a mess again i havr bought a canvas with me him and our daughter on its above the fireplace but i keep looking at it and breaking down it hurts so much its not easy is it dont bee too hard on yourself your not an idiot you are grieving and its the hardest thing ever x

I do the same. I play Enya, Only time, , this song was played as the curtains closed at his funeral. That’s only a very small part though. Tonight I am in a heap, crying. Steve passed 17 months ago. I am ok for quite a few days now and suddenly I am in the depths of despair again. A big part of me died when he passed away.and although I have family I have never felt so lonely. He was 63, we had plans and now there is no one to plan with. It all seems so pointless . All of us on here hope, with time, that we can start to look forward. Everyone on this site understands what it is to lose someone. I don’t know if it would help but I have started a memory book, any little anecdote, I jot down and when I feel a bit down I read them.


Thank you. Steve212. I so hope you are right. I know I am not the only one grieving and that somehow makes it worse.

You are so right Fg15. It surprised me that grief would eat me up and my world change in the blink of an eye. Thank you for caring xx

1 Like

Dear Montague, I know what you mean about being lonely even with a wonderful family. And how part of you died when your husband did. I have friends who have lost their husbands and they now seem happy and relaxed. I can’t imagine ever feeling that way. I am so sorry you lost your husband. It is reassuring to me that you are still feeling so bereft after 17 months because people seem to think I should be over it now, or at least coping and I’m not. Let’s hope things ease up with time, but I don’t feel too sure that they will xx

I’ve always kept a ( this ages me ) Journal. Could use Evernote or something like that nowadays I suppose. I just can’t imagine reading any of it right now. Bet the bits from when I was 20 could be a right laugh. But it’s a good idea, the memory book. I like that.

You can’t imagine feeling anything right now. Too soon too soon. I wish I could remember who said this, but some very clever person on here did. It went something like "You can’t think about a future life when you are still living the “might have been " life.” It was something like that. I’m avoiding music just at the moment. I’m not ready to “put myself through” all that, as you put it. Yes you are a complete IDIOT. We all are. We are complete idiots. It can’t be helped. We’re all stumbling about in this mess, and the good thing about here is that we all know that, all are feeling or have felt that, and if we say something shocking , or something “off” there’s enough sense here to know that we are all only trying to do our best. Isn’t it be better to be an idiot and say what you feel amongst people who ( half) understand what you are going through rather than listen to the trite same old same olds ( Sorry for your loss/anything I can do to help/ don’t be a stranger/ blue skies are just around the corner ) from either 1) friends , if you are lucky or unlucky enough to have them or 2) theorists and handbooks. You BE an idiot and do whatever you want to do. It might seem to be making things worse but crying COULD be helping : you were remembering him fiercely and strongly in those moments weren’t you? What’s idiotic about that. If you adore someone what are you supposed to do? Laugh and move on? I do wish some non-idiot could tell me straight. But they can’t. I’m staying here with the idiots for a bit. They make more sense right now than - oh I don’t know - “5 Stages of Grief” or whatever. My kindest wishes to you.

1 Like

Thank you so much. Thast really helped. x

1 Like