5 months since Mick passed away I feel I’m been tested nothing has gone right.
Lockdown 2 days after
Dear Kim
I am so sorry for the things that are happening to you. I have had things go wrong too since I lost Tony but not to the extent you have. As I found the things that happened to me really upsetting and frustrating, goodness only knows how you must be feeling. My happenings were - the TV refused to work properly. Normally, Tony would have fixed it in a jiffy. It took me an hour. A crack appeared in the wall and went right through to the room next door. EEEK! I got wet just after having my hair done. Etc Etc Etc. I don’t suppse I have helped you at all but I just wanted you to know that I sympathise.
I find the only thing I can do if things go bad is walk away, have a cuppa, calm down and tackle the problem again later. Good luck x
Thank you for replying my brothers come over to help when things go wrong and I just break down. They say we’re here for you no matter what goes wrong. Like your husband Mick would sort it. I have really cussed him lately. Take care x
I know just how you feel Kim. My husband died suddenly 6 months ago. The day he died the en-suite toilet packed up. Then whilst registering my husband’s death his company car which I was driving was spray painted with black paint. The car was white. Then the boiler packed up so I had no heat and hot water. Next was the shower pump that needed replacing. It just went on and on and on. All the jobs like cleaning the pond and clearing out the patio drains seemed to be daunting but little by little I have set my mind to trying to do these things. It hasn’t been easy but the feeling of satisfaction when I have succeeded has lifted my spirits a bit. I look at the dining room which he decorated just before Christmas and am sad we only sat at the table once together at Christmas. I see his stamp all over the house. He was so clever and always attempted things himself before giving in and calling an expert if needed. I miss him every second of every day.
I have often felt that I am being punished for something but I don’t know what. I know I am being irrational but sometimes I can’t help it.
Hi Ellie, the sheer exhaustion of doing everything and trying to keep the house going sometimes is just too much. When I told A friend that I was so tired he just said, ‘ it’s not surprising, you’ve lost half your workforce’ . That’s it isn’t it.? Before our partners I passed away we shared all the jobs snd now it just falls to us. I try to do one job a day, just to keep my head above water but it’s hard. It’s just not fair. Grief is a lonely road.
Hi
My husband was very much “man about the house” so i got used to him doing everythink, i just cleaned and cooked,and took care of the garden. last year we brought a new house with a very large garden, and my husband loved it, we would sit in the garden and make plans. now when things go wrong and I have to fix them or arrange repairs. ‘ME’ proud to say i have done it. I am just so sad that he is not here to see the plans we made happen, I love my house but i cant see a future in this house with out him. so i am thinking i will live here a few more years and then sell up.
Hi
I have never felt so exhausted in my life.
3 months after my husband died his cousin died suddenly as well. We 3 were very close and it was another shock I had to cope with. She also made me executor to her Will so I have been sorting that out as well. Probate is in progress. When my husband died she came to stay with me until lockdown. She reassured me that all the things my husband and I liked to do together she would do with me, like visiting National Trust places and gardens and holidays. That gave me something to look forward to. Now she is gone as well and again I am so sad and feeling cheated yet again.
My 96 year old aunt has been in hospital for 4 months after a fall. She was discharged home on Monday with a full Care package but at the moment is struggling. Because I am her Next of Kin I am called at all hours of the day and night by Carers, Social Workers and neighbours and I am so tired of it all. I have very uncharitable thoughts about her because she is still here and doesn’t want to be and my precious husband who fought so hard to live isn’t. As you say, life is so unfair.
Hi Sheila, I fully understand your sadness looking around the house your husband is now unable to enjoy with you. I have a garden I struggle to cope with but have taken pride in keeping it as up together as I can. We had so many plans to ‘future proof’ the house for our retirement with no inkling there was no future.
I find it’s all just a constant reminder of what has been lost. I’d give it all up in an instant just to have my husband back.
I know we all would. Xx
Hi Ellie,
The exhaustion that accompanies grief is in a league of its own. Difficult to convey to anyone who hasn’t experienced it but it affects mind, body and soul. Nothing can prepare us for the total onslaught on all our senses and the unrealistic expectations of society. Xx
I feel for you all. Malcolm was so good at mending things, putting things right, decorating, solving problems… I so miss him, his presence in this house we renovated together, he’s in every stone of the building he put so much work into it all and seems so unfair that he’s not here to enjoy it. I sometimes feel guilty that I didn’t appreciate it all enough, he just got on with things quietly with no fuss and I took that for granted. So many things we’d like to say to them if we could just have them back one more time. Sending love x
Hi Ellie1
I understand where you are comming form, my father inlaw lived to 91 so allways thought John would, he died 58, a short 3 week battle with cancer. His Aunty is 84 and as fit as a fiddle, so yes i somtimes look at people and think ‘why’
Life does seem to be really throwing you some shit, people will say it becouse you are strong, I hate it when peole say that to me. I am not strong i am just surviving. Xx
Ellie you are having such a terrible time .I wish there was more we could all do for each other to try and ease the pain. Because when it comes down to it we are the only ones who can properly understand each other’s agony. I hate the “strong “word, too, we’re just battling every day to keep our heads above water and get through another endless day. Just because wer’e not openly crying it doesn’t mean we’re strong, that’s just putting pressure on us to conform to their perception of grieving. Never thought I’d be wishing my life away like this, just wanting the day to end. . I know life is a gift and I feel so ungrateful but can’t help it at the moment XX
Hi bjane
Weirdly it is almost comforting to know that I am not the only one going through this although I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy! Ive had people including my family who say what a strong woman I am but the only thing I’m good at is hiding how awful I feel from them. Life moves on for them but I’m in that horrible place called limbo.
I had a rough weekend this weekend and worked myself into a state of exhaustion to get through it. I probably shouldn’t have because I had to get up for work at 6am this morning and now I’m so tired and my back aches. When the chores and gardening was shared it was doable and pleasurable. Now I get no pleasure from these things, they just need to be done.
So sorry. I’m having a selfish day today and feeling a bit low.
Ellie. nothing selfish about that! That’s what this site is for, being able to put into words exactly how we are feeling. Hiding it in public is exhausting and you will be doubly exhausted today with the strain and then all that physical work you’ve just done. I don’t think I realised just how much needed doing. as you said it’s all so different when you’re not sharing. It’s a huge responsibility when it’s all on your shoulders and hard to manage when you’re grieving. You’ve done really well as I often really have to push myself to get motivated!! Hope you can have a well deserved rest tonight xxx
I hope so too.
I need to buck myself up or my friends at work will notice I’m too quiet. I am lucky to have such good friends to work with and they are very tuned in to my moods but it’s unfair on them. And you are right. Hiding it in public is very tiring. My friends have been so supporting. They were there for me all through Tennant’s diagnosis and treatment when I was so angry with everything. I work in the hospital where he had his surgery and chemotherapy and I just can’t even look at the building where he sat for hours at a time while they pumped drugs into his system or look at the doctors who treated him. I want to scream at them that they got it all wrong and they should have done more for him but of course I can’t. A colleague has just told me that her husband has bowel cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. I feel for her and the journey she is going to go through. I have to act positively in front of her. I hope her husband’s treatment works for him. It’s just that it has resurrected all the feelings I had when my husband was diagnosed and undergoing treatment. I feel like it’s happening all over again.
I’m glad you’ve got such supportive work colleagues but they must be hell for you to constantly be in that building with all those terrible memories. Life has thrown some pretty devastating things at us, especially with COVID 19 on top of everything., All I keep telling myself is. at least it can’t possibly get any worse , so that’s one vaguely positive thing to hang on to . And then having to go athrough it all again with a colleague is going to be so upsetting for you and such a strain. Life really isn’t fair, I’m sure all of us on here think that. Sending a hug x
Thank you bjane.
It is very hard. I’m not old enough to retire yet otherwise I would consider leaving. But they say that you shouldn’t do anything in haste so I’ll see how it goes.
xx
My husband died last May 2019.
Have had a hellish year. Only thing that came through for us were the finances.
Everything else went belly up. Things started breaking down around the house, journeys to places kept going wrong, like I’d leave shopping at the train station or my train was hours late. The children have suffered too.
I’m knew here, but I long to chat to folk who have been bereaved. It’s a lonely place to be, though friends can be great. Family just says, you’re children are depending on you.
Bet I’m not the only one who struggles to sleep too. Tears just keep coming.
This whole thing is heartbreaking.
Sorry for your loss and children so young know what your saying I do stupid things or can’t think what I was going to do next. Very hand isn’t it. X
Hi Eliza
I’m sorry you have lost your husband. It truly is a terrible thing to have to go through. I joined this site a few weeks ago in desperation because I felt like I was the only one going through this hell. Sadly I’m one of many but I have found some comfort in talking to people who know exactly what I am going through. Some of the posts I read could have been written by me, they are such similar situations. Joining this site is probably the best thing you have done recently. You can pour your heart out and no one is embarrassed or uncomfortable and sometimes sharing thoughts can be very therapeutic. You might even find some coping strategies as all of us have different ways of coping. Mine at the moment is working. I have good friends at work so I’m lucky. So welcome Eliza. You are not alone.
xxxx