WHY? Unanswered questions of suicide

Hi everyone, 8 months ago a relative of mine committed suicide. He never presented as depressed, stressed, of low mood, or anything else that would cause us concern. In fact he (appeared) to have a good and happy life. I’m really struggling to come to terms with his passing, and all I can think of is WHY?
WHY didnt he talk to someone
WHY did i not realise
WHY did i not notice anything untoward
WHY did I not help him
WHY, Just WHY??

I feel I have let him down, and what if he was crying out for help, but none of us noticed?? I keep imagining how he was that night, on his own, so many miles away, sad and feeling like he had no other choice. What if I had got in touch with him that night? Would he still be here? Would he have opened up?
Do these WHY questions ever go away? Does the guilt every leave you?

Much love to you all. Thank you for reading xxx

Hello,
I am so sorry to read about your relative, and most of all, the way it has affected you. Some years ago, I knew a family who owned a successful farm. A lovely family and the Dad was just like you described your relative. He would do anything for anybody and seemed a very happy man. Then one day, his daughter went to the farm to take him his lunch and found him hanging in the shed. No-one could identify any issues with him and it was a real mystery and still is.
I wonder if, sometimes, we get a blip in the brain and we are compelled to end it all. It is the most awful thing but in this case, no-one was at fault. I expect it was the same with you. I suppose we just have to accept that it happened and we will never know why.
Please don’t think it was your fault. If someone makes up their mind to kill themselves, I don’t believe anyone can stop them. Maybe delay it a little but if that is what they want to do, they will do it.
My thoughts are with you, and I hope you can stay strong.xx

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Dear Kjh76,
You sound like a very caring person. You may never get an answer to your questions, because as AnnR writes, sometimes there were no signs and there is nothing anyone could have done, but I do understand that it is something that is difficult to come to terms with.
When you scroll through posts on this site you will find posts from others who have lost someone to suicide (you can use the search option for posts on specific situations) and the effect it has had on them.
There is also a website for those who have lost someone to suicide that you may find helpful. This is the link:
https://uksobs.org/
Jo

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Hi my son took his life ,9 weeks ago and it’s if buts be honest don’t think I can go on my life ended when he died I have a daughter and son but at this time I don’t won’t to be here the guilt is eating me a way

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Dear Gail1
I am so sorry. You say you feel guilty. Why is that? In my previous post above, I said that if someone wants to end it all, nothing and no-one will stop them.
It is heartbreaking but a fact. Your other children need you now. Please don’t let them down. Think how they would feel if they lost their brother AND their mother. Please try to find strength from somewhere. I am sure your late son would not want you follow him. Please stay strong and honour your late son by being the best mother you can be to your other children who love you. My thoughts are with you.

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Hi Gail,

I’m so sorry to hear about your son. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.

You deserve care and support so please, Gail, get in touch with one of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,

Hazel
Online Community Team

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Hi thank you I feel has if I can’t go on I know I have to for my son and daughter it feels has if no one can help I really don’t won’t to be here the pain the thoughts what my son did it’s taken over my horrible life

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Thank you so much for your reply. I do believe that he did what he felt was the right thing at the time, I just keep trying to imagine what state he was in that night when he felt hanging himself was the only way to fight the demons he had in his head. I just hope he has now found peace.

Thank you again xxx

I am so so sorry for your loss. As a parent myself I can not even start to imagine what you are going through. Please just take every day one step at a time, and speak to someone about your grief. I’m so sorry again xx

I’m so so sorry for those of us that just have so many unanswered questions about our losses on top of the actual loss.
My mum took her own life when I was 5 & my granny took her own life when I was 6. I’ve lost friends and relatives since then 4 years ago we came home to find our beautiful spaniel had died, she had ruptured her main artery while out with the dog Walker who just thought she’d sprained her leg following getting her to jump over a style. Most traumaticlly of all I found my darling youngest son had passed away suddenly in June. So many unanswered questions, just haunt me daily adding to the burden of grief. It’s all so exhausting and devastating. Why why why.
My heart aches for me, my family and for everyone suffering xx

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Oh rach25 I am so so sorry for all you have had to go through from such a young age. To lose a child is uncomprahendable. You must have so much strength. Sending lots of love. My hear breaks for you xxx

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Thank you for your kind supportive words xx

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